[Cadaverous Pallor]

GC, I really empathize. I have been battling the same demons on the Jewish side of the fence. I tend to make things black and white and it's rough.

I've decided that there's no way the one God of my personal beliefs would condone some of the things said in the Torah (including killing gay people). Having said that, I can't possibly believe that God himself wrote the Torah. This completely undermines being able to call myself a Jew. Even if I believe that the people and events in the Torah actually existed, which I still do, a big claim within the book itself is that God told it to Moses word for word.

So, ok, fine, how about if the Chosen People were divinely inspired, but not dictated to? Well, then I end up with a book without any oomph to it. It's one thing to read a human's take on reality and agree with it, but I sure as hell aren't going to think it's the be-all end-all.

Losing the rock-solid black and white of "God said so" has shaken me ever since. Am I really a Jew? I try to think of Abraham and take comfort in it. Being a Jew has little to do with challah and Hebrew - in the end, it's a belief in one God, and an intent to do right by others. That's what "the Chosen People" means - we're supposed to be a good example for the world.

I still love the culture, the language, the food, the gatherings, you name it, but I've been so seperated from it for so long, it leaves me feeling conflicted. I have issues with synagogues but that's a whole other subject. I know that one day I'll bring more Judaism into my life, but it'll be a while.

My disgust with those that wish to legislate according to their religious beliefs echoes onto my problems with organized Judaism, even though those in gov't are almost always from the Christian Right. Religious persecution is religious persecution, and I don't care what side it comes from.

Anyway, that's my ramble on the subject. I have no way to console you, GC, because I feel the same way. I'm also trying to take the wise words others have said here to heart, for my own inner turmoil. I can think "I should deal" but that doesn't mean I can make it manifest...