Re: Balconies

[blueerica]

This is a bit of correspondence I had with a friend recently. It makes me laugh in retrospect, and in realizing that I don't seem to share as much here anymore, this is my sacrificial offering to the LoT Gods.

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If I had a balcony last Tuesday, I'd have jumped off it!

I guess I'll go back a bit. I've been wound up, as you should well know... Frustrations with myself mostly, battles with my self-worth, a strange shyness that overcomes me at awkward moments.

Last Tuesday, for me, was basically another day. I was stressed, feeling a bit low, just sort of realizing the semester, that it was almost over. I go to my 5PM class: Comic Spirit. I know I've told you about this class before. We talk about everything from religion, philosophy, science, George Carlin, love, you name it. In reality, these are the most important things we can be talking about in our human existence. What does all the science and math in the world mean if we're not happy, if we're not having compassion and love in our lives? Anyhow, I digress.. or did I? This is the sort of impact Ray has had on me, and he insists on being called Ray, and not Professor So-and-So.

The most difficult thing about his class is that a lot of people just don't seem to get it, and I get that. It's hard to understand how important these things are when you just got your drivers' license 3 years ago. Some people got it, some didn't. It's difficult to want to talk about these heavy topics, when you thought you were signing up for watching Dumb and Dumber (which, incidentally, we did watch, and I got my eyes opened to what the movie was really about - beyond the gross-out jokes and goofy moments). People just aren't listening and just aren't getting it, by and large.

On my way out of class, I contemplated how I could thank him, because seriously... what I've taken from that class is life-altering. It reinforced how I felt about humanity at large, how I feel about those I know, and most importantly, in some way it's helped me to understand and accept myself, even if that's a slower process than the rest. The self-loathing I put myself through had to end, and it has started to, I think, for the better. So, how to thank Ray?

I considered a card with a letter. I wasn't going to go into the details, but just a thanks. As I was walking the 15 minute walk back to my car, I tried to work out what I would put in this letter. Immediately, I recognized that without writing a 10-page essay, I'd never say what I meant to say, plus my handwriting could gum up the works. I most sincerely do not know what posessed me to turn around and head back for class in the hopes that my teacher was still there. I think I thought I could convey more with spoken words than written, that it would mean more for me to say it. Plus, hand him an envelope at the end of the next class - WEIRD! So...

I get to the forum, and he's there. A few members of the next class were already in their seats, and a couple of my classmates were there talking with Ray, so I waited. I noticed that the cute TA was there, Oh Boy! I wanted to be quiet, because... I don't know. I started to feel nervous, but I was determined.

Wow... the semester's already over. I'll only get to hear one more lecture....

The other two students did their talking and quite a while later, I got my moment. I stepped up and said "Ray, I just wanted to thank you for your lectures, they've meant a lot to me." At which moment - I STARTED TO WELL UP WITH TEARS. Oh my goodness! Tears? What the fvck were tears doing there?!?!

Oh! The concerned look on my teacher's face. He said, "Oh, thank you honey. May I ask your name?" And sh!t, if I could talk I'd have told him, but I couldn't... I was forclempt! I said lowly, "I'm having a hard time talking..." Motioned my finger that I needed a moment. The moment apparently wasn't enough, so I eeked out, "My name's Erica." Then he really got concerned and asks, "Are you okay?" At that point, I wasn't sure. ... I started to chuckle, and cry. I finally got enough voice to say that it was all I wanted to say. I'm sure other things were said in the confusion and my tears (DIOS! WHY DID I CRY???), but I can't be so sure anymore.

I left, and as soon as I hit the clear air, I thought, "I should have written the letter!"

At least I laughed the entire way home.