I really do suck at poetry...

[tracilicious]

So here goes nothin...


Oh, Lonely, now I've found you!
Won't you lay with me in bed?
Wrap your bony arms around me,
how I love your icy breath.
Oh, Lonely, can't we take a walk?
I'll pretend to hold your hand.
We'll speak fondly of our solitude,
with only the faintest hint of despair.
Oh, Lonely, come and comfort me,
I'll be awash in your ghastly glow.
Caress me lightly with your tendrils
I take solace in your chill.
Oh, Lonely, you're my oldest friend
come chat with me awhile.
We'll mock the ones that brought you here,
Who needs them anyway?
Oh, Lonely, never leave me
I depend on your embrace.
I may flirt with warmth and company,
but from Lonely I'll never stray.

[tracilicious]

Ok, now criticize me. This is the first poem I've wrote in years, mainly because I was so traumatized by the tremendous badness of my angstful teenage poetry. I'm hesitant to post a less than happy poem for fear I'll sound depressed, when really it's just a snapshot of an emotion.

Tell me how it could be better. Word usage? Grammar? Structure? Punctuation? Or if it's just terrible then tell me that too. I can take it, don't be nice or sugar coat your criticism. Lay it on me, baby!

ETA: I know the ending is weak, but that seemed to be the hardest part. What would you have done differently?

[wendybeth]

I have to recuse myself from critiquing, Traci- I can give the Vogon's a run for their money in the horrid poetry department.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by wendybeth

I have to recuse myself from critiquing, Traci- I can give the Vogon's a run for their money in the horrid poetry department.

That's ok, I'll take opinions if you've got em. Or not. I just had this rolling around in my head, so I figured I'd give it it's own space.

[wendybeth]

To me, the poem reads like lyrics to a melancholy song, and I like it very much.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by wendybeth

To me, the poem reads like lyrics to a melancholy song, and I like it very much.

Thanks! Hmmm...I'll have Michael start on the chords....

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Great poem, Traci. Here's my critique, but remember, it's just my opinion

It has a beginning middle and end, which I like. You can feel it rise and fall. That can be tough to accomplish.

The contrasts between comfort and sadness are fantastic. Here's my favorite bit:
Oh, Lonely, come and comfort me,
I'll be awash in your ghastly glow.
Caress me lightly with your tendrils
I take solace in your chill.
The bed part is also fantastic. Everyone enjoys being depressed sometimes and you capture that perfectly. I think the emotions in this poem are real, and the way you state them makes them easy to connect with.

Who needs them anyway? is in my opinion the least effective line. If you could find another way to state the same idea it would work better. I can't exactly say why, but it just doesn't work for me. Something about the cadence, and the fact that it's a rather non-original turn of phrase, in the middle of mostly original lines. The very last line is a little weak but you're definitely close.

The cadence is mostly great. Whenever I do a chanting style poem I get very picky about how many syllables, which words should half-rhyme, etc. With this poem in particular I think you have a lot of leeway regarding "rules". It's all together, no spaces, which brings to mind someone that really is alone, repeating bitterly to themselves about how they really don't need anyone else. I especially liked the repetitveness of "Oh Lonely", only because I personally would use "Oh" all the time when I talked to imaginary friends as a kid.

The only things that I'd personally change are the lines I pointed out. I like everything else.

Thanks for the bravery! Keep it coming!

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

Great poem, Traci. Here's my critique, but remember, it's just my opinion

It has a beginning middle and end, which I like. You can feel it rise and fall. That can be tough to accomplish.

The contrasts between comfort and sadness are fantastic. Here's my favorite bit:
Oh, Lonely, come and comfort me,
I'll be awash in your ghastly glow.
Caress me lightly with your tendrils
I take solace in your chill.
The bed part is also fantastic. Everyone enjoys being depressed sometimes and you capture that perfectly. I think the emotions in this poem are real, and the way you state them makes them easy to connect with.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by CP

Who needs them anyway? is in my opinion the least effective line. If you could find another way to state the same idea it would work better. I can't exactly say why, but it just doesn't work for me. Something about the cadence, and the fact that it's a rather non-original turn of phrase, in the middle of mostly original lines.

Honestly, I could tell that when I wrote it. My big problem is that I'm lazy. I typed it all out in one shot and just couldn't think of something better off the top of my head. I think being a truly good writer takes either hard work, or natural talent and I have very little of both. I'm still stumped as to what should be there. Any suggestions?

Originally Posted by CP

The very last line is a little weak but you're definitely close.

Again, lazy and couldn't come up with anything better in the space of a minute. I'd really like a better line there. Last lines are so hard for me.

Originally Posted by CP

The cadence is mostly great. Whenever I do a chanting style poem I get very picky about how many syllables, which words should half-rhyme, etc. With this poem in particular I think you have a lot of leeway regarding "rules". It's all together, no spaces, which brings to mind someone that really is alone, repeating bitterly to themselves about how they really don't need anyone else. I especially liked the repetitveness of "Oh Lonely", only because I personally would use "Oh" all the time when I talked to imaginary friends as a kid.

Thanks. The rhyming thing was really tough for me, because I had to try hard not to rhyme specific words, but I still wanted it to go together. I should probably either expand my vocabulary or use a thesaurus once in a while.

Originally Posted by CP

The only things that I'd personally change are the lines I pointed out. I like everything else.

Thanks for the bravery! Keep it coming!

Thanks so much for the critique. Makes me miss school! Once again though, lazy. That and I've tried really hard to avoid poetry because of the teenage angst thing stated above. If a flash of inspiration ever hits again though, you guys will be the first to hear it.

[€uroMeinke]

I really suck at poetry criticism - to me, I like imagrey, rythem, and the sounds of words. One could debate endlessly on word choice, but I can't suggest changes unless we start talking about the subtexts and meanings of certain words and what they evoke to you and others. The only sugestion I would make id to break up the piece into seperate stanzas beginning with the "oh Lonely" refrain, if nothing else to make it more readable and better call out the repetition as unifies the piece.

My other suggestion would be to write and share more, the more you do the more you'll know what works and what doesn't.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by €uroMeinke

The only sugestion I would make id to break up the piece into seperate stanzas beginning with the "oh Lonely" refrain, if nothing else to make it more readable and better call out the repetition as unifies the piece.

I thought of that, but it's a formula I've used frequently in the past and I wanted to try to break out of that. Plus, when I see separate groups of lines (what the heck are those called?) I tend to read them as separate paragraphs, and that wasn't necessarily how I heard it in my head.

Originally Posted by Euro

My other suggestion would be to write and share more, the more you do the more you'll know what works and what doesn't.

You're absolutely right. When I was forced to write more I was much better at it. I'm quite rusty by now. Thanks for the ideas!