Vignette attempt.

Cadaverous Pallor · 06-16-2005, 10:59 AM

Ok everyone, I'm making myself a bit vulnerable this time.

This is an experimental piece for me. The idea would be many different vignettes from different perspectives, all concerning Disneyland and those that frequent the place. Perhaps eventually it would morph into a novel or screenplay, but I think I need to start writing it this way.

This project is something I'm trying to get comfortable with and make into something I can attempt to publish. I would appreciate comments and constructive critique. Seriously. If you don't want to shame me in public, PM me. I really want to work on this.

Thanks for reading, as always.

--------------------------------------------

Vignette #1

Jason sipped at his coke float and smiled.

It was just after sunset at Disneyland, and already Main Street glowed reassuringly. The simple white bulbs on each eave radiated comfort to passersby. Even in the midst of countless strangers the effect was similar to that of sitting next to a crackling fire in your favorite plush chair.

The line for ice cream at the Gibson Girl was as long now as it had been during the heat of the afternoon. Some sat on the curb enjoying their last sugar rush of the day. Tourists were slipping in and out of shops, perusing mementos, trying to lock the fun into one physical object. Many were in the Emporium, the largest store on Main Street. Would their niece back home prefer a t-shirt or a purse? Elbows were bumped but the apologies were always quick and heartfelt.

Jason's feet were propped up on a vacant chair as he watched the DayPasses scurry about. This might be the only time in their lives that they're here, he thought. That one day to bask in the glow of the Happiest Place on Earth.

Rod was playing ragtime piano a few steps away from his table. Though the music was jaunty and upbeat, the familiarity of it was soothing. Jason knew all of the Rod's songs by heart.

He noticed a large group appear, toting piles of hot dogs and pretzels. They began the attempt to gather enough chairs at the one open table. Jason quickly sat up and pushed the empty chair in their direction.

"Is this free?"
"Yes, yes, go ahead."

The preteen girl seemed somewhat surprised to see a man with greying temples sitting alone at Disneyland, but she took the chair anyway and promptly forgot all about him.

Jason watched the family settle in and eat their overpriced snacks. They talked of what they'd enjoyed during the day and what they still had yet to do. They bemoaned the closed rides. To Jason it seemed they'd done a pretty good job of canvassing the park. Imagine it, he thought again. Just one day to do everything, perhaps without the possibility of coming back, ever!

Jason thought about his own itinerary that day.

Arrived at 2:30pm. Checked the construction walls in Tomorrowland. Rode the Monorail so he could see how far the paving project had progressed. Took pictures of the new paint job in Toontown. Chatted with a Cast Member in Disneyana while he looked at the latest limited edition figurine release. Had an early dinner at Rancho Del Zocolo, then here for dessert. Lots of strolling around and sitting on benches in between.

Yup, definitely a productive day. He smiled at no one in particular and slurped the last of his ice cream soda.

Cast Members seemed to appear out of nowhere, carrying poles and rope. Quickly they began setting up boundaries along Main Street.

"Parade soon," mumbled Jason to himself. "Gotta get out of here."

He stood, making sure to pick up his napkins and wipe the table clean. On his way to the trash can he noticed someone's receipt lingering on the floor. He picked that up as well and threw it all away.

He caught Rod's eye and gave him a smiling nod. Rod nodded back, in thanks and recognition, never missing a beat on the piano.

Without haste, Jason moved down Main Street to the exit, smiling to himself because he was alone, smiling at the tired parents pushing children in strollers, smiling at the Cast Members who were getting ready for parade crowds.

As he approached the end of Main Street, he nodded once more, in the direction of the furnished but vacant apartment above the Firehouse. The light in the window burned brightly.

"G'night Walt. See you real soon."

Tref · 06-16-2005, 11:09 AM

Beautifully written, CD. I look forward to the next installment.

Boss Radio · 06-17-2005, 01:39 AM

Well written, and somewhat sad. Is he a lonely soul?

Cadaverous Pallor · 06-17-2005, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boss Radio

Well written, and somewhat sad. Is he a lonely soul?

Hmm, interesting. I didn't intend sadness. What specifically made it seem sad?

Anyone else want to say how it made them feel?

TheatreTech · 06-17-2005, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

Hmm, interesting. I didn't intend sadness. What specifically made it seem sad?

Anyone else want to say how it made them feel?

Very well written. (And motivating for me to continue with my story.

)

It made me think of...well, me. Not in a sad way, though. (Although, I let out a sigh at the mention of Rod because he hasn't been at the park lately.)

Aside from that, it was very...calming. (If that description works.)

Cadaverous Pallor · 06-17-2005, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheatreTech

It made me think of...well, me.

Good!

The more real it feels to those that do go alone, the better.

Quote:

Aside from that, it was very...calming. (If that description works.)

Also good to hear, thanks. Others, please chime in - what works, what doesn't?

Drince88 · 06-17-2005, 07:30 PM

It does seem very real to me, as well (even though it's been eons since I've been to DL (but I'm going in October!). I guess it seemed a little sad/lonely, but that may be because at the end of the day spent alone, I can feel sad/lonely. Not that I feel that way WHEN spending the day alone (but that's my own demon to deal with).

It's a great job at describing the sights/sounds/smells/thoughts - but if you do develop it into something more, there needs to be a bit more plot. However, my understanding is that was not the point of THIS example, so I almost didn't write that last part.

Cadaverous Pallor · 06-17-2005, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drince88

It's a great job at describing the sights/sounds/smells/thoughts - but if you do develop it into something more, there needs to be a bit more plot. However, my understanding is that was not the point of THIS example, so I almost didn't write that last part.

You've got it right. I think I'm going to write a bunch of vignettes like this one, lacking in plot but thick with emotions and visual impressions, so I can get used to what feel I want out of it. There are lots of things I'm debating on this and I don't wish to bore anyone with that.

So yeah, this is what it is, a bit of fluff.

sleepyjeff · 06-19-2005, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

Hmm, interesting. I didn't intend sadness. What specifically made it seem sad?

Anyone else want to say how it made them feel?

It seemed sad to me too. Kind of like when an old man visits a playground and even though he can do all of the things the kids are doing he doesn't because the desire to has grown out of him.....the newness has worn off....so he sadly leaves his old playground perhaps giving a nod to a favorite spot that has a special meaning to him. He knows he will return but he also knows that when he does return he will feel even less of the magic then he felt on this visit.

I loved it......

wendybeth · 06-19-2005, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

Good!

The more real it feels to those that do go alone, the better.

Also good to hear, thanks. Others, please chime in - what works, what doesn't?

I waited to see how I felt about it, as I like to let things sink in before offering any criticism.

Your mojo is in the mailbox.

06-16-2005, 10:59 AM	#1
Cadaverous Pallor ohhhh baby Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Parental Bliss Posts: 12,364	Vignette attempt. Ok everyone, I'm making myself a bit vulnerable this time. This is an experimental piece for me. The idea would be many different vignettes from different perspectives, all concerning Disneyland and those that frequent the place. Perhaps eventually it would morph into a novel or screenplay, but I think I need to start writing it this way. This project is something I'm trying to get comfortable with and make into something I can attempt to publish. I would appreciate comments and constructive critique. Seriously. If you don't want to shame me in public, PM me. I really want to work on this. Thanks for reading, as always. -------------------------------------------- Vignette #1 Jason sipped at his coke float and smiled. It was just after sunset at Disneyland, and already Main Street glowed reassuringly. The simple white bulbs on each eave radiated comfort to passersby. Even in the midst of countless strangers the effect was similar to that of sitting next to a crackling fire in your favorite plush chair. The line for ice cream at the Gibson Girl was as long now as it had been during the heat of the afternoon. Some sat on the curb enjoying their last sugar rush of the day. Tourists were slipping in and out of shops, perusing mementos, trying to lock the fun into one physical object. Many were in the Emporium, the largest store on Main Street. Would their niece back home prefer a t-shirt or a purse? Elbows were bumped but the apologies were always quick and heartfelt. Jason's feet were propped up on a vacant chair as he watched the DayPasses scurry about. This might be the only time in their lives that they're here, he thought. That one day to bask in the glow of the Happiest Place on Earth. Rod was playing ragtime piano a few steps away from his table. Though the music was jaunty and upbeat, the familiarity of it was soothing. Jason knew all of the Rod's songs by heart. He noticed a large group appear, toting piles of hot dogs and pretzels. They began the attempt to gather enough chairs at the one open table. Jason quickly sat up and pushed the empty chair in their direction. "Is this free?" "Yes, yes, go ahead." The preteen girl seemed somewhat surprised to see a man with greying temples sitting alone at Disneyland, but she took the chair anyway and promptly forgot all about him. Jason watched the family settle in and eat their overpriced snacks. They talked of what they'd enjoyed during the day and what they still had yet to do. They bemoaned the closed rides. To Jason it seemed they'd done a pretty good job of canvassing the park. Imagine it, he thought again. Just one day to do everything, perhaps without the possibility of coming back, ever! Jason thought about his own itinerary that day. Arrived at 2:30pm. Checked the construction walls in Tomorrowland. Rode the Monorail so he could see how far the paving project had progressed. Took pictures of the new paint job in Toontown. Chatted with a Cast Member in Disneyana while he looked at the latest limited edition figurine release. Had an early dinner at Rancho Del Zocolo, then here for dessert. Lots of strolling around and sitting on benches in between. Yup, definitely a productive day. He smiled at no one in particular and slurped the last of his ice cream soda. Cast Members seemed to appear out of nowhere, carrying poles and rope. Quickly they began setting up boundaries along Main Street. "Parade soon," mumbled Jason to himself. "Gotta get out of here." He stood, making sure to pick up his napkins and wipe the table clean. On his way to the trash can he noticed someone's receipt lingering on the floor. He picked that up as well and threw it all away. He caught Rod's eye and gave him a smiling nod. Rod nodded back, in thanks and recognition, never missing a beat on the piano. Without haste, Jason moved down Main Street to the exit, smiling to himself because he was alone, smiling at the tired parents pushing children in strollers, smiling at the Cast Members who were getting ready for parade crowds. As he approached the end of Main Street, he nodded once more, in the direction of the furnished but vacant apartment above the Firehouse. The light in the window burned brightly. "G'night Walt. See you real soon." __________________ The second star to the right shines in the night for you
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06-16-2005, 11:09 AM	#2
Tref Not Tref Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 2,188	Beautifully written, CD. I look forward to the next installment. __________________ Tref3.0 Listen in aural 3-D to Pop's muzak! (New songs added semi-bi-daily) j & j Did you know that Emas eht yltcaxe is exactly the same spelled backwards?!
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06-17-2005, 01:39 AM	#3
Boss Radio The Littlest Hobo Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Hobo Junction Posts: 393	Well written, and somewhat sad. Is he a lonely soul?
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06-17-2005, 07:30 PM	#7
Drince88 Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 481	It does seem very real to me, as well (even though it's been eons since I've been to DL (but I'm going in October!). I guess it seemed a little sad/lonely, but that may be because at the end of the day spent alone, I can feel sad/lonely. Not that I feel that way WHEN spending the day alone (but that's my own demon to deal with). It's a great job at describing the sights/sounds/smells/thoughts - but if you do develop it into something more, there needs to be a bit more plot. However, my understanding is that was not the point of THIS example, so I almost didn't write that last part.
	Submit to Quotes