A sympathetic ear, please...

Motorboat Cruiser · 10-10-2005, 02:54 PM

I'm not sure why I am posting this. I guess just to get it out.

I'm not even sure where to start. Our roommate Doug had moved in last June. Matthew had met him on the bus and he seemed like a nice guy who was just a bit down on his luck. He didn't have a car or a place to live and was staying at a motel. He was employed though and needed a room to rent and we decided that by letting him move in, it would help both of our situations. He had a beautiful 9 yr old daughter that used to stay with us on the weekends and she was a sweet girl who adored her father almost as much as he adored her.

He was a really good guy but battled with alcohol. We saw that he was having a problem but didn't really know what to do. About a week ago, he lost his job. He only had about half of his rent money but we were trying to be understanding. He told us that his sister would be sending him a money-gram on Saturday and he would have what he owed us. On Saturday morning, he left saying he would be back in a couple of hours with the rent. That was the last we saw of him.

This morning, I don't know why but I decided to look at the Orange County Register and see if there might be any clue as to where he was. We were worried about him and something made me look. A news story immediately caught my eye. It would appear that Saturday night, our roommate laid down on the train tracks in Dana Point and was struck and killed.

Matthew and I are in such a daze today. There is the anger, the sadness, the confusion. We realize that there is nothing that we could have done. He gave no indication that he was planning this, at least none that we could have recognized at the time. We also feel an enormous amount of sadness for his little girl, who we thought the world of. I feel so horrible for her right now.

I contacted the coroner this morning (through the sherriff) to find out if her and her mom had been contacted. They apparently were on Sunday. I want to call her but don't know if it is appropriate yet. We decided that we will wait a few days and make a decision. I assume that they might have a lot of questions. I don't know that we have any answers but maybe we can help in some way.

We are ok, for the most part. We're not really sure what to feel right now. We both took the day off and are just trying to stay busy and keep our minds off of it. That's damn near impossible though. I will never understand suicide. I will never understand the mindset. I feel like I should be angry with him but I don't have the heart. I miss him and I hurt for him and his family. I just hurt. Keep us in your thoughts please.

Morrigoon · 10-10-2005, 02:56 PM

**Hugs**

Olympicnut · 10-10-2005, 03:03 PM

You feel what you need to feel. But personally when I hear that someone has committed suicide I get REALLY PI$$ED OFF! It makes me angry that these people, aside from those metally ill etc, can't deal with life so they end it.

I understand depression. I understand alcholism. But there are places to go to get treatment for these and I'm sorry, but killing yourself is selfish and a cop out! ESPECIALLY when there's a child involved. Good god that poor child, my heart goes out to her. PLUS he not only ended his life but in the process, laying on the tracks, endangered the lives of others, like the guy that pulled his car on the tracks a few months ago to kill himself and jumped out because he changed his mind, then ended up killing innocent people!

Ive had a few people in my life committ suicide throughout they years and it just really ticks me off to no end. I can keep going but wont.

Gn2Dlnd · 10-10-2005, 03:05 PM

Guys, I'm so sorry. Give me a call if you want (I think you've got my number), maybe my experiences would be of use.

Jim

MickeyLumbo · 10-10-2005, 03:13 PM

you're in my thoughts. you have my number if you would like to talk. i'm home if you'd like to come over.

BarTopDancer · 10-10-2005, 03:18 PM

Oh my goodness! ((((((((HUGS))))))))

If you want to get together and talk this evening give me a call.

scaeagles · 10-10-2005, 03:21 PM

So sorry to hear this, MBC.

Ghoulish Delight · 10-10-2005, 03:29 PM

How tragic. You're right, there's not much you can do. Hopefully when you do contact the mother and daughter, what they'll really want/need is a sympathetic ear of their own because I know she'll have the best in that regard in the two of you.

Stay strong.

Eliza Hodgkins 1812 · 10-10-2005, 03:35 PM

Oh, goodness. How awful for you and his family. And sad for him. Poor guy.

If I were his mother, I'd want to hear from you sooner rather than later. I would think it a bit strange not to hear from the people he was living with, because you were the last to see him, and also you have his stuff, yes? If anything, you can offer to bring her his stuff, or offer to hold onto them for as long as she'd like. Of course people react very differently to this sort of news, but I think she may want to hear from you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all this sadness.

Prudence · 10-10-2005, 03:53 PM

Oh man, that sucks more than words can possibly express.

I'm about to suggest things to do. I don't know you well enough to know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If it's a bad thing, just know that I'm thinking of you and stop reading now.

***

It's very good of you to make yourself available for questions. It's true that you probably don't have answers, but my experience is that the family will nonetheless have questions. If nothing else, you can help reassure them that there were no signs that they missed, as it's possible they may feel guilty.

How much did you interact with the daughter? Death -- whether suicide or natural -- changes more than just interactions with the deceased. If she's accustomed to seeing you two frequently, she may feel like she's "lost" you, too. I don't know what the family would wantand I don't want to give you instructions on what to do, but maybe she would like a last visit? Get something of her dad's? I don't know.

Another thing you might consider is writing down something about her dad for her to have, or for her mom to keep for her -- particular about how much he loved her. There may not be anyone else to say nice things about him and his love for his daughter -- and even if there is, more can't hurt. She's just old enough to have that irrational feeling that she's somehow to blame. And it might help to have something from two people who aren't relatives and who aren't "obligated" to say nice things to her to tell her that she WAS loved and adored, and that everyone knows it.

Oh, and I would call now. Or leave a note. Or something. They don't have to talk to you now, but if there are services or something maybe they would want something out of his room or some of his effects? Maybe you could make yourself available now and they will contact you when they're ready? There's nothing inappropriate about "Hello, we just wanted to let you know that we're available if you want to talk."

Damn. I'm totally telling you what to do and that's so not my job. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

It's crappy that this happened at all and it's crappy that you and Matthew have to be involved.

10-10-2005, 02:54 PM	#1
Motorboat Cruiser Cruiser of Motorboats Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: So Cal Posts: 3,665	A sympathetic ear, please... I'm not sure why I am posting this. I guess just to get it out. I'm not even sure where to start. Our roommate Doug had moved in last June. Matthew had met him on the bus and he seemed like a nice guy who was just a bit down on his luck. He didn't have a car or a place to live and was staying at a motel. He was employed though and needed a room to rent and we decided that by letting him move in, it would help both of our situations. He had a beautiful 9 yr old daughter that used to stay with us on the weekends and she was a sweet girl who adored her father almost as much as he adored her. He was a really good guy but battled with alcohol. We saw that he was having a problem but didn't really know what to do. About a week ago, he lost his job. He only had about half of his rent money but we were trying to be understanding. He told us that his sister would be sending him a money-gram on Saturday and he would have what he owed us. On Saturday morning, he left saying he would be back in a couple of hours with the rent. That was the last we saw of him. This morning, I don't know why but I decided to look at the Orange County Register and see if there might be any clue as to where he was. We were worried about him and something made me look. A news story immediately caught my eye. It would appear that Saturday night, our roommate laid down on the train tracks in Dana Point and was struck and killed. Matthew and I are in such a daze today. There is the anger, the sadness, the confusion. We realize that there is nothing that we could have done. He gave no indication that he was planning this, at least none that we could have recognized at the time. We also feel an enormous amount of sadness for his little girl, who we thought the world of. I feel so horrible for her right now. I contacted the coroner this morning (through the sherriff) to find out if her and her mom had been contacted. They apparently were on Sunday. I want to call her but don't know if it is appropriate yet. We decided that we will wait a few days and make a decision. I assume that they might have a lot of questions. I don't know that we have any answers but maybe we can help in some way. We are ok, for the most part. We're not really sure what to feel right now. We both took the day off and are just trying to stay busy and keep our minds off of it. That's damn near impossible though. I will never understand suicide. I will never understand the mindset. I feel like I should be angry with him but I don't have the heart. I miss him and I hurt for him and his family. I just hurt. Keep us in your thoughts please.
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10-10-2005, 02:56 PM	#2
Morrigoon I throw stones at houses Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Location: Location Posts: 9,534	Hugs __________________ http://bash.org/?top "It is useless for sheep to pass a resolution in favor of vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion." -- William Randolph Inge
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10-10-2005, 03:03 PM	#3
Olympicnut Swank O-nut in Drag Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Porn Capitol USA (San Fernando Valley, CA) Posts: 33	You feel what you need to feel. But personally when I hear that someone has committed suicide I get REALLY PI$$ED OFF! It makes me angry that these people, aside from those metally ill etc, can't deal with life so they end it. I understand depression. I understand alcholism. But there are places to go to get treatment for these and I'm sorry, but killing yourself is selfish and a cop out! ESPECIALLY when there's a child involved. Good god that poor child, my heart goes out to her. PLUS he not only ended his life but in the process, laying on the tracks, endangered the lives of others, like the guy that pulled his car on the tracks a few months ago to kill himself and jumped out because he changed his mind, then ended up killing innocent people! Ive had a few people in my life committ suicide throughout they years and it just really ticks me off to no end. I can keep going but wont.
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10-10-2005, 03:05 PM	#4
Gn2Dlnd Parmmadore Jim Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Casita del Queso Posts: 3,810	Guys, I'm so sorry. Give me a call if you want (I think you've got my number), maybe my experiences would be of use. Jim
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10-10-2005, 03:13 PM	#5
MickeyLumbo thankfully grateful Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: shangrila Posts: 1,388	you're in my thoughts. you have my number if you would like to talk. i'm home if you'd like to come over. __________________
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10-10-2005, 03:18 PM	#6
BarTopDancer Prepping... Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Here, there, everywhere Posts: 11,405	Oh my goodness! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) If you want to get together and talk this evening give me a call. __________________ Spork is the new MacGyver Postcards From My Edge
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10-10-2005, 03:21 PM	#7
scaeagles I LIKE! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,819	So sorry to hear this, MBC.
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10-10-2005, 03:29 PM	#8
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	How tragic. You're right, there's not much you can do. Hopefully when you do contact the mother and daughter, what they'll really want/need is a sympathetic ear of their own because I know she'll have the best in that regard in the two of you. Stay strong. __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
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10-10-2005, 03:35 PM	#9
Eliza Hodgkins 1812 Sputnik Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Long Beach Posts: 2,685	Oh, goodness. How awful for you and his family. And sad for him. Poor guy. If I were his mother, I'd want to hear from you sooner rather than later. I would think it a bit strange not to hear from the people he was living with, because you were the last to see him, and also you have his stuff, yes? If anything, you can offer to bring her his stuff, or offer to hold onto them for as long as she'd like. Of course people react very differently to this sort of news, but I think she may want to hear from you. I'm so sorry for your loss and for all this sadness.
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10-10-2005, 03:53 PM	#10
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	Oh man, that sucks more than words can possibly express. I'm about to suggest things to do. I don't know you well enough to know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. If it's a bad thing, just know that I'm thinking of you and stop reading now. *** It's very good of you to make yourself available for questions. It's true that you probably don't have answers, but my experience is that the family will nonetheless have questions. If nothing else, you can help reassure them that there were no signs that they missed, as it's possible they may feel guilty. How much did you interact with the daughter? Death -- whether suicide or natural -- changes more than just interactions with the deceased. If she's accustomed to seeing you two frequently, she may feel like she's "lost" you, too. I don't know what the family would wantand I don't want to give you instructions on what to do, but maybe she would like a last visit? Get something of her dad's? I don't know. Another thing you might consider is writing down something about her dad for her to have, or for her mom to keep for her -- particular about how much he loved her. There may not be anyone else to say nice things about him and his love for his daughter -- and even if there is, more can't hurt. She's just old enough to have that irrational feeling that she's somehow to blame. And it might help to have something from two people who aren't relatives and who aren't "obligated" to say nice things to her to tell her that she WAS loved and adored, and that everyone knows it. Oh, and I would call now. Or leave a note. Or something. They don't have to talk to you now, but if there are services or something maybe they would want something out of his room or some of his effects? Maybe you could make yourself available now and they will contact you when they're ready? There's nothing inappropriate about "Hello, we just wanted to let you know that we're available if you want to talk." Damn. I'm totally telling you what to do and that's so not my job. I'm sorry. I can't help it. It's crappy that this happened at all and it's crappy that you and Matthew have to be involved. __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
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