Attack of the Clones rant, revisited.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Yes, I put this in the Parking LoT. If there's any topic that intrudes on my groove, it's this movie.

I threw this on our netflix queue when I realized that we'd only seen it once 3 years ago and Ep III was coming out soon. I definitely needed a refresher if I was to see the new one. Guess what? I was refreshed all right - now I am once again completely livid. All the cautious optimism I got from the Ep III trailer is now gone.

This movie is poorly written, poorly acted, poorly directed. I've seen B movies with better pacing and tons more emotion.

Oh, where to start...

Natalie Portman is a horrid actress. Hayden Christensen is just as bad. Their arms barely move, their faces do not change. The only bits of Hayden's that I believe is the anger - ok, yeah, he looks mad. His sadness isn't there very much at all, and the all important conflict is totally non-existant. Oh, he utters the couple of lines that are supposed to belie his conflict, but you sure as hell don't believe he's going through anything.

I don't believe any of their romance. Why do they love each other? The scenes where they "fall in love" are utterly uncharming. These people are NOT special. They are supposed to be the most special people in the universe and they are totally not intriguing. The bits that are supposed to be cute are the same as in every other romantic moment in every other movie ever made.

Portman telling them they cannot love each other...she may as well be on stage in a high school production. Actually, no, fvck that, I won't insult high school productions that way. No frustration, no sadness, nothing. Just robotic delivery of "we can't do this" lines. The Romeo/Juliet aspect is completely stolen and manufactured and unoriginal.

My god, can I rant about Threepio and Artoo for a moment? Things were ok with both of them for the first large chunk of the movie. Some somewhat good interaction, just like the old days. Then Threepio becomes the Jar Jar of the movie with a completely pointless added plot involving him in pratfall bullsh!t. He is reduced to the absolute worst one liners in SW history, with terrible puns and jokes that only detract from the somewhat cool battle going on behind him. "This is such a drag"? "I'm beside myself"? It was so very sad. I just found an online copy of a script and none of those terrible lines are in there, so I'm wondering how they could have been added to an already overlong, bloated, slow paced film.

Suddenly Artoo can fly? Does he lose that ability when they wipe everyone's memories so that everything can make sense? Oh, and did Lucas dub all the Stormtroopers' dialog in the Trilogy so they have the distinct accent that Jango Fett does? Do all the clones learn English from a model on Jango's accent? Otherwise why would they talk that way? And how come Stormtroopers are different heights and girths?

Why oh why did he have to dig himself holes he couldn't get himself out of??

Speaking of him, I swear, I can't believe he didn't hand over the reins to someone else. What an ass. The directing is horrible. The whole movie is filled with talking heads. Talking heads walking, wipe, talking heads sitting, wipe, talking heads walking some more. Just because stuff is zipping around in the background doesn't make it enthralling. It's still a goddamn conference. Watch the OT again and notice that nothing happens in a stationary manner, except ACTUAL meetings on attack plans. Exposition occurs during events! Action pushes the story forward!

Yes, there are good action sequences, but that is all that they are. It's just like the difference between a good and bad musical. Good musical, the music moves the story. Bad musical - everyone stops and sings and you don't learn anything new about the characters or events. Anakin and Padme are stuck in a factory and the story STOPS. Anakin and Obi-Wan chase the hired assassin for far too long and the story STOPS. All the Jedi and clones chase Dooku in helicopter things for far too long and the story STOPS. Think on it - what moves the story is the boring talking heads part. Sad.

Yeah, we finally see Yoda fight. And it's bad ass. The part where they use the Force is rather awesome. But the actual saber fight just felt like "insert fight here". Yes, I wanted to see it. But in seeing it....eh. Definitely anti-climactic. Especially since Dooku matches him pretty well. Bummer for Yoda fans.

I think some of the worst offenses to the franchise involve undermining everything special about the OT. We learn that Dooku is Yoda's former Padawan. So Obi-Wan screwing up Anakin isn't as big a deal as we thought it was. Apparently even Master Yoda can fvck that up. Jango Fett leads Obi-Wan into an asteriod field to lose him. When Han Solo does the same, it's treated as if it's a move no one ever does, that it's insanity, and only a pilot as amazingly skilled as Han would try it. Now it's not special anymore. Reusing ideas is an even worse offense in cases like these.

Speaking of anti-climactic, all through Phantom Menace they hint over and over that Ani's love for his mother is his weakness. Alrighty, said we SW fans collectively, he'll lose his mom, then he'll go dark. Well, his mom dies, and what does he do? He kills a bunch of Tusken Raiders. That's it. Yeah, it's his first act in cold blood, but BFD. Total and complete letdown. So I guess it's not his mom that's his ultimate weakness? Sigh.

So are we going to find out that Amidala has extra midichlorians in her bloodstream? She does a few ridiculous feats in the arena bit. Jump down from that pole onto the back of an animal? Isn't she supposed to be human? It's like they forget who's Jedi and who's not. How come a Jedi can't use the
Force to undo handcuffs that Amidala can pick open??

Even the boring talking heads parts make very little sense. Palpatine gets everyone to talk in front of Jar Jar about voting him emergency powers. They say "the Senate won't support getting an army together, but they'll support giving the Chancellor emergency powers to get an army together." Huh? And then Jar Jar mentions the idea to the Senate, and without a vote, Palpy starts weilding the power.

And how aggravating is it that the Jedi talk the entire movie like they're Counselor Troi? "The Dark Side clouds everything." I know that all this has to go down without them figuring it out and stopping it, but still, making them all seem completely impotent and pointless makes no sense. Better would be to make them aware of what's up yet thwarted in attempts to right the wrongs. I know the intent is to make Sidious/Palpatine look like the smartest, most conniving, most strong in the Dark Side son of a bitch we've ever seen, but come on!

Once again, all the technology is TOTALLY different than in the OT. We're not talking 50 years away here, it's less than 20 at this point. And so much of it is versatility that the OT lacks. Seriously, if you want to make up solar-sails and detachable hyperspace rings, MAKE A SEQUEL far in the future. Otherwise, tell your concept artists and CG renderers to draw more Tie-fighters and Correllian cruisers.

The only somewhat enjoyable thing is this drek is Ewan McGregor. This time around I really noticed the work he'd put into the character, at least during the most palatable section of the movie, the first 15 min or so. He is very much like Alec Guiness and I believe what I heard about him studying Guiness' acting in various movies for this role. Yet, the script/direction problems end up destroying him too, as he's reduced to a crime solver for most of the movie.

I swear, I tried so hard to enjoy this movie. The banter between Obi-Wan and his headstrong Padawan wasn't so bad in the beginning. Watching lots of Jedi fight was cool (ignoring Threepio's sad decline). Watching Anakin use his powers for fun and want to rule the universe was alright (although he seems to say such things too many times). But that's about it for the good parts.

Yeah, I woke up way too early today for no reason.

Anyway, I'm mad all over again (really?) and I'm so goddamned pissed that I'm going to fork over at least 7 bucks to see the next movie. I can't possibly see any decent end to this travesty. I had more hope for Matrix III.



If you read this whole thing, I'm sorry.