He Knows

[Gemini Cricket]

He Knows
By: GC

A husband and wife are in bed. It's nighttime.

Wife: I couldn’t sleep last night.
Husband: I know, you woke up at 3:15 in the morning. It must be all the guilt.
Wife: Guilt? Ha. What have I to be guilty about?
Husband: How about those extra grapes you swiped at the grocery?
Wife: Taste-testing!
Husband: One is a taste-test. Five is stealing.
Wife: Fine. Five. Big deal.

Pause

Wife: But it’s not that. I couldn’t sleep because I’m having an affair.
Husband: No, you’re not.
Wife: How can you be sure? From what I hear they’re talking about it at your work.
Husband: They’ll make up anything to make the time go by.
Wife: Hmph.
Husband: You’re not having an affair.
Wife: No, I’m not.

Pause

Wife: Well, what if I was having an affair?!
Husband: Don’t shout. I hate that. It’s worse than all the crying you do at the movies.
Wife: You don’t pay attention to me.
Husband: I pay lots and lots of attention. I know everything there is to know about you. We’ve just run out of things to talk about.
Wife: Maybe.

Pause

Husband: And no pouting either.
Wife: I’m not pouting. Can’t a wife be launched into deep thought now and then?
Husband: Oh ho. Deep thought are we?
Wife: Are you even listening to me? I wish you wouldn’t bring your work to bed like that. Give me that laundry list of yours.
Husband: Give it back. Let me double check it and I’ll put it away.
Wife: Here. Old fool.

Pause

Husband: Someone’s in a naughty mood tonight.
Wife: Oh?
Husband: I’m very good at finding these things out, you know.
Wife: Predictable, am I?
Husband: It's just that I know everything there is to know about you.
Wife: Maybe so.

They kiss. He grabs her butt.

Wife: Oh, for goodness sake, Mr. Claus!

They laugh, he turns out the light.