The meaning of life or what?

[Bornieo: Fully Loaded]

I'm trying to understand something and maybe writing this will help me understand.

Philosophy- I believe there is something "out there" although it might not be what everyone imagines or believes. I don't blame God. Tsunami's that wipe out thousands of people. It happens. Its in the nature of the world for rebelling and lashing out at the tiny specks we call humanity. In the grand scale of life, Mother Nature is bigger than us. We accept. Can I blame anything that's "bigger" than us?

Maybe its a lesson in the Meaning of Life and why we are here. I'm sure everyone has sat on a beach somewhere, watching the waves crash as the magenta sun sets over the ocean, thinking, wondering, hoping that there's a reason to all of this -- stuff. When we poke our finger, we cry. We laugh, we get pissed off and all in all, this is supposedly these clues that there is some meaning. Somewhere. Anywhere.

This past November, my younger sister announced that she was pregnant with her 3rd child. She already has Maddie, who is 6 and a socialite who one day, no doubt, will have a cell phone with hundreds of phone numbers on it. (Sound familiar). The boy, Anthony, is 2. He is the smartest kid I have ever met and is constantly smiling. Today, when I saw him, he ran across the room screaming my name, and jumped into my arms for a hug. He's big on sitting on my shoulders. The baby to be, known as "?" is dead. Apparently between the last checkup a month ago and today, the little 4 month fetus' heart stopped.

Sad, yes. I'm disappointed, yes. Frankly, it broke my heart.

Now, what I'm coming to deal with is that I never knew this "person" like the others. Nor had I known the opportunity to grieve for someone that was part of my life or vice versa. I suspect it seems to be hardest to know someone who dies after a good life, than someone you've never met and emotionally it's confusing me. There is no control or really an obvious way of order in all this. Typically, we have a being, who either is sick or old, or heaven forbid is taken tragically. There is shock, grief, understanding and masses at the funeral, where there is a final farewell and you spend years mourning or having moments where you remember thing that happened. You have the images, the snapshot of emotional attachment to help you through.

What truly can be said?

I can guess that you can't really mourn the person, having never really known them. But it's possible that you can lament over what might have been. How you would have loved them and how much they would have meant to you...

[€uroMeinke]

Well you can deal with this as a philosophic question, but honestly this has nothing to do with philosophy and the meaning of life - though I can go that road if you prefer.

We lost a child at the five month mark. It was horrific in so many ways. Too far along for simple procedures, labor was induced. And our child, also too far along to be called a miscarrige required funeary preperations. Neither oneof us had any sense of what to do, or what was right, eventhough the social workers and doctors were there to tell us about medicine and the law.

We didn't even know if we should name him - though we did later, in private: Robert, after his grandfather who likewise passed to soon.

We returned to work, to go back to our lives. For me, my staff who jokingly called me "pappy," were now silent and somber. A few women shared with me in private their similar experiences, but mostly everyone pretended nothing happened, including oursleves.

We never properly grieved and rather let the unaddressed sadness pull our relationship appart. Eighty percent of marriages that experience the death of a child end in divorce. We were no different.

So my advice, though you didn't ask for it, is to grieve this loss - for every loss is the absence of potential. Grieve for your sister and her family, show them your love and let them share their pain.

I'm so sorry for your loss - there will be plenty of time for philosophy some other time.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

Both of these posts are so profoundly moving and eloquently stated. Both have moved me to tears. Thank you both for sharing your experiences and your pain.

And to both of you and your loved ones, I'm so very sorry for the loss that you experienced.

[Grumpy4]

I, too was moved to tears. I feel for you both and am sorry for your loss. Do mourn for the baby and your sister's family, but also for yourself. In the end it will be more healthy. I remember the call I got one morning from my best friend's mom. She had told me that my friend had lost her twin boys. After being on bed rest for 2 months, and her last check-up being excellent, she went into early labor (she was 5 1/2 months). They lost the first one right away and the second lasted til early morning hours (like 5 am). When I was told, I almost fell to the ground in disbelief and sadness. You see, my friend was like my sister. I had known her since I was 2 years old. Whatever happened to her happened to me. I felt as if my heart had been torn apart. I was truly devasted.

So you see, you need to grieve for yourself as well. She is your sister and that baby was linked to you in some way. Many of us know what you are going through and I am sure we are all here for you. My thoughts are with you and your family.

((((((HUGS))))))

[tracilicious]

I'm so sorry for yours and your family's loss. It's definitely ok to grieve for someone that you didn't yet know. I'm sure that the hope and excitement involved in finding out that you had a new niece or nephew on the way was tremendous. You knew that the child was going to be awesome and that you would love (or already loved) him/her as much as you do the other two. Allow yourself to mourn that loss. You sound like a fantastic uncle.

Chris and Lisa, you two are amazing for finding your way back to each other after that kind of tragedy. I can't even imagine.

[wendybeth]

Borneo- when you first posted this, I wrote a long response, and then accidently hit the wrong key and it disappeared. I won't go into it, the gist was that you are mourning a very real loss, and I was very moved by your post. You are undoubtedly a wonderful brother and fantastic uncle, and a very good friend as well. I've always thought a lot of you, and even more so now. Very big hugs to a man with a very big heart.

[Kim]

I am so sorry for the loss your family has suffered. You need to grieve and mourn that loss. My heart just hurts for you and your family. (((Hugs)))

[~MS~]

(((just cuz)))) Many of us have experienced something similar and the most important thing is to give yourself and your sister and the rest of you who were joyously anticipating the new little one the permission to grieve. It won't be the same as losing someone who has walked this earth but it's a death none the less. If you wonder 'what' you're grieving...other than the obvious loss of this precious addition to the family, you are grieving for the loss of a dream...of who/what that little person would have been had he/she been given the opportunity.

This loss is one of those 'grey areas' You'll have people who don't understand say stupid **** like OH it's "gods will" or "she can try again".....be strong for your sister and try not to want to pile drive those who are ignornant in their words. I'm saying a prayer for your family....

[UvaGirl]

Bornieo, I am thinking of you and your family. (((Hugs)))

[Cadaverous Pallor]

So sorry to hear of this. What a hearbreaker.

Every once in a while I'm struck by some report of a death on the news. Something that happened far away, to someone completely unrelated to me, in some crazy circumstance. Sometimes it hits me in just the right place, and I can't help but truly grieve for this random person.

What you're feeling is much more real that that, and you should allow yourself to acknowledge it. I'm thinking of you. {{{{hug}}}}