Mortality

[Sub la Goon]

It's probably been 24 hours since my first wife, Carolyn, died. At least that's what I can guess from talking to our 17 YO daughter, Louise, and the police woman who was there.

I got a call yesterday (Friday) night at around 5:30. It was a paramedic in Pasadena informing me that Carolyn had passed away in the night and Louise was there alone. Except for cops and parameds. Carolyn's husband, Jon, could not be reached and is in northern California anyway. The paramed put me on the line with Louise - who sounded so normal. I said I would be right there and the paramed told me not to rush. They would not leave my daughter alone.

Traffic from Thousand Oaks to Pasadena was ugly at times but I made it at around 7PM. Louise had 4 friends in the living room, playing on her laptop and being silly high school kids. I hugged her for a long time and said how sorry I was.

In the diing room, the police officer, Mary, and I had a talk about Carolyn's mental health problems, bipolarism, and her long-ago overdose and self mutilation. She said there were numerous prescription bottles in the bedroom with Carolyn. All empty and from various doctors. The coroner was on the way and would be there shortly. Carolyn was 42, the same age as me.

She asked if I would like to see her and I did. Carolyn was lying face up in bed and her color made it obvious she was deceased. Her skin was mottled grey and mouth all discolored purple. Lividity. I have heard that term in so many crime shows and I don't really know what it means. Thanks, Google. Looking at her, all I could say was how sorry I was. I should have been stronger for her. Mary asked if I wanted a moment alone. I did not. I wanted to touch Carolyn but I could not bring myself to. She obviously died in her sleep. Eyes closed and mouth almost smiling. On the floor next to her was an old drivers license from NY, at least 10 years ago. I stared at that picture of her. She was so lovely and alive. That is how I want to remember her.

Carolyn's dad showed up and was very casual about the whole affair. I overheard him tell his youngest daughter in very simple terms that her sister was dead. Louise and her friends took off after the coroner appeared. She did not want to see her mom carted off in a van. I made the walk with Carolyn instead. She was in a plastic bag by that time and covered with a blue Coroner cover. Both my ex father in law and I got Mary's business card and the case numer. I called Louise and had her friends bring her back.

We stopped at my second wife's apartment to borrow her air mattress and pump. The 6YO twin girls were up and giddy to see Louise. They showed her their new bunkbeds and played Barbies with her. Wife #2 fed me, even though I could hardly choke anything down.

Now Louise and I are back in my room. I am on the air mattress typing and she is listening to her iPod in bed. I overheard her telling a friend on the phone about how she disvovered her mom at around 5PM and she knew immediately that she was gone. The first thing she could see was through the doorway was her impossibly pale leg. Just as I had. When she touched her cold body, it was obvious. She went outside, called 911 and told them she thought her mom was dead. The guy on the phone had her go back in to perform CPR. He wanted Louise to get Carolyn on the floor but she was heavy and stiff. She coudn't move her. He said it was OK then and that the ambulance would be there soon. They were.

From what Louise told me, she last spoke to Carolyn at about 2AM last night. Carolyn wanted water but was disoriented. She had been sick recently. Louise got the water for her and went to bed. She didn't want to wake her mom when she woke at noon, so she went and worked out at the gym and met with friends. From all indications, Carolyn passed away some time between 2:30 and 4 AM.

Just about 24 hours ago.