It's Not Much, but the View is Great!

[Gemini Cricket]

It's Not Much, but the View is Great!
by: me

Whoopi: He just recently relocated to Hawaii, and is now the new author of the self-help book “My Problems Are Worse, Get Over Yourself” help me welcome to The View, Brad aka Gemini Cricket.

[Audience applause. Brad walks into the studio. He cordially shakes Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s hand but kisses Sherri Shepherd, Joy Behar, Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg.]

Brad: Thanks for having me on the show. Whoopi, I love the yarn t-shirt and lime Crocs.

Whoopi: Thank you.

Barbara: Earlier-

Brad: I got to say, Barbara, I think you’re fabulous. I want you and Joy to father my children.

Joy: Look, you made her blush. She’s as red as a Kennedy. She’s lost her train of thought.

Whoopi: It comes with age.

Barbara: Now, listen here. Some ripen with age. Like a good wine or a stinky cheese.

Joy: Or a stinky wine.

Barbara: I’m outnumbered. Thank you, Meredith.

Joy: Joy.

Barbara: Whoever.

Brad: You were going to ask me a question?

Barbara: Yes. During Hot Topics, we were discussing President Obama’s true planet of origin. What is your take on that?

Sherri: Because you’re from Hawaii and are back there now and that’s where he says he’s from… What do you think?

Brad: Unlike some, I do think Obama is from Earth-

Elizabeth: Mars.

Brad: And I-

Elizabeth: Totally from Mars.

Brad: I’ve never been to Mars myself, but I’ve been in close proximity to those who are truly in outer space.

Whoopi: You recently moved back to Hawaii to live after being in California and Chicago-

Joy: Boston.

Whoopi: Sorry, Boston for several years. Chicago, Boston, I get them all mixed up.

Elizabeth: Chicago is where Oprah is.

Whoopi: Yes.

Elizabeth: Oprah the billionaire.

Whoopi: And-

Elizabeth: Way more money than you, Whoops. Both in ‘The Color Purple’… one made it, the other is still trying.

Whoopi: Who gots an Oscar, Beeyatch? Anyway, how is the transition going?

Brad: Well, it’s been a challenge, really. I guess I thought I would just slip back in unnoticed and just continue life in Hawaii as if nothing had happened since I left. But I was wrong.

Barbara: For the first time in one of your moves, you actually had a job prior to relocation. That’s a new sensation for you isn’t it?

Brad: Uh, yes. It’s been great actually. A blessing, really.

Elizabeth: Oh, a blessing.

Brad: Yes.

Elizabeth: From anyone in particular? GOD maybe?

Brad: Maybe. I’m not an atheist, Hasselbeck. I’m agnostic. There’s a difference.

Elizabeth: Anything non-Christian is atheist.

Brad: I hear what you’re saying but you and those shoes are all wrong.

Sherri: I replaced Starr Jones.

Brad: Stunning.

Elizabeth: Just saying, you’re so anti-religion, to say ‘a blessing’ is a bit unlike you isn’t it?

Joy: Don’t hassle the Beck, Brad. Ignore the Coulter Limbaugh love child. Tell us more about Hawaii. Do you hula?

Brad: No.

Joy: Surf?

Brad: No.

Joy: Speak Hawaiian?

Brad: A couple of words.

Sherri: But it’s good to be back near family isn’t it? Family is so important. My mother used to tell me ‘family is so important, isn’t it, Sherri?’ and I used to reply, ‘yes.’

Brad: Actually, my family and I are doing okay. They’re still on me about giving up on Catholicism-

Elizabeth: Well, good for them.

Brad: And they think that because I’m not dating anyone at the moment that it really means that I’m straight now.

Joy: Not dating anyone? What about Don Ho? Oh he’s dead. Dead and straight. Never mind.

Whoopi: In your book, you said that you received a couple of Christmas cards from lady friends on the Lounge of Tomorrow that enclosed pictures. You said that your mom thinks that they are actually your girlfriends. Is that true?

Brad: Totally. Katiesue and Libraryvixen. She says that they’re really looking for me to help raise their girls. Isn’t that sweet?

Sherri: It is. It truly is.

Brad: It’ll be news to them.

Barbara: Do you feel like you’ve grown since the last time you’ve been home? Matured? Become more of a man?

Brad: No.

Joy: Your mom’s kind of a c*nt isn’t she?

Brad: Especially on a full moon.

Joy: I hear that when you give her a hug, you need to check to see if any vital organs are missing from you afterward.

Brad: Something like that.

Elizabeth: My mom’s a saint.

Joy: Your mom should have kept her legs crossed.

Whoopi: So, I hear your big sister wants all five of you to go into therapy.

Brad: Good idea, don’t you think? Five in therapy?

Sherri: When I was sick once I took Flu Therapy. It helped.

Brad: Miracle of miracles. [Answering Whoopi] But yes, we’re scheduling a therapy session. It should make a good novel or maybe a play.

Joy: Isn’t “Mommie Dearest” already a play?

Brad: I don’t know.

[cont'd]

[Gemini Cricket]

Barbara: Do you miss seeing your friends in California, Brad? I mean, they helped you through a great deal didn’t they?

Brad: They did and I do. I miss them a lot. But it’s hard for me to explain that I needed this move.

Whoopi: Why?

Brad: Well, because my depression was taking me down a road that my friends couldn’t save me from.

Barbara: What road?

Joy: Yellow brick one, maybe?

Brad: Ha. More than that, I was thinking about leaving altogether. My family (although the cause of a lot of my problems) won’t let me go there. Especially my dad he’s my biggest fan. My sister the psychologist is watching over me, my mom the nurse is monitoring me… My little sis is my rock.

Elizabeth: Isn’t that whole ‘I’m going to kill myself’ thing just an attention grabbing thing? Like how you want everyone to post something sympathetic to you in reply to this post?

Brad: I don’t want anyone to post anything like that. It’s my dragon, I’ll slay it. Maybe it is an ‘attention grabbing thing’ for some. But for others it feels like an honest to god option.

Elizabeth: See? He didn’t even capitalize the word ‘god’ in that last sentence.

Barbara: Brad, is it still an option for you?

Brad: No, it isn’t. I truly love being back home.

Joy: That’s good. There’s already too many dead fags out there already. We need some of them to stick around and do our hair.

Sherri: Exactly.

Brad: Exactly.

Whoopi: Don’t go.

Brad: I won’t.

Barbara: So what does the future hold for you now, Mr. Cricket? What’s in store for you?

Brad: Well, for my new job, I have a trip coming up to Guam, Palau, Micronesia, the Marianas Islands and the Marshall Islands. I’m pretty excited about that. Most of the world doesn’t even know those places exist. I’m going to help spread the word.

Elizabeth: What? Where are you going?

Joy: Disneyland.

Elizabeth: Oh.

Sherri: I love Disneyland, don’t you?

Brad: I do.

Joy: Let’s cut to a commercial, I need to recharge my Blackberry.

Barbara: You and that f*cking cell phone, Behar.

Elizabeth: Oh, she’s such an Obama minion, let her keep her Blackberry. Let them all keep their Blackberries.

Sherri: Uh, why you gotta get down about Blackberries? You wouldn’t complain if it was a Crackaberry.

Barbara: If you all don’t shut up, I’m going to stop this car and leave you in the middle of nowhere.

Joy: We’re not in a car, Grandma.

Sherri: You know what? I love my grandma. She used to make me cookies.

Brad: Peanut butter?

Sherri: Yes.

Elizabeth: Don’t eat peanut butter! Salmonella.

Joy: Salmon what? I hate fish.

Whoopi: Our thank you to our guest Brad for coming to visit us. His book is now in stores. We’ll be right back with a song by musical guest, Bo Bice, and our segment on how to do a self colonoscopy in your very own home.

Brad: Thanks for having me.

Whoopi: Thanks for being here.

[Music plays, cut to commercial for the prescription drug: Smafaquax 24D]

[Bornieo: Fully Loaded]

[bewitched]

Fabulous! (and I'm glad you're doing well and happy to be home, warts and all)



Oh and please ask your mom for me:

If you not dating means that you're straight, does me not dating mean that I'm a lesbian?

[BDBopper]

[innerSpaceman]

Is the book available on Amazon?



And did anybody TIVO this??? I mean, the transcript is great, but I miss Brad's facial expressions and great vocal inflections.

[Disneyphile]

Quite possibly the most hilarious thing I've ever read!

Thank you, my friend!

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Great bit. Glad you're figuring yourself out.

[Kevy Baby]

[Snowflake]

Brad, that was hilarious. Please continue when we're back from the commercial break.