The Un-Interview

[LSPoorEeyorick]

The Interview thread awaits its interviewees, so in the meanwhile, why don't we try an un-interview game that everyone can play? Eliza and I played this a lot on a board we used to frequent.

I will give you answers to eight questions. You have to make up the questions I'd be answering. Funny, serious, whatever you want. For instance, I might offer the answer "only if you were coming," and you might come up with questions like "are you going to the park on July 17?" or "are you willing to stifle your gag reflex?"

And thus, the answers:

1) At a Wall-Mart in Germany.

2) Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

3) I thought about it, but then I thought better.

4) Applesauce.

5) I'd say that would be unwise.

6) I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

7) I couldn't live without it.

8) What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[Ghoulish Delight]

1) Where could I find the cheapest box of corn flakes around AND an Adolf Hitler action figure?

2) Hey, I think this pit of quicksand has a bottom, don't you?

3) Have you tried the mashed potato flavored soda yet?

4) Geez, what did you sit in?!

5) Wanna go crusin' in Compton at midnight?

6) C'mon, it'll be fun! A case of beer, banana scented cologn, and a video camera. What could go wrong?

7) What do you think of your new feeding tube?

8) Okay, I understand why you pushed him down the stairs, but did you have to throw the leftovers on him too? I was going to have that for lunch.

[Matterhorn Fan]

Q: So, the Tiki Room is back from refurb, and word has it that you didn't make it to the Tiki Meet. Just where were you, anyways?
A: At a Wal-Mart in Germany.

Q: So, did you go there for their singles-night thing? Was it the German Wal-Marts that did that, or was that somewhere in the Midwest? I remember hearing something about that on NPR.
A: Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

Q: I’ll take that as a yes. Can we meet your new beau? Will you bring him to Disneyland?
A: I thought about it, but then I thought better.

Q: Good call. Back to Disneyland, then. What’s your favorite treat from the Dole Stand?
A: Applesauce.

Q: But they don’t sell applesauce there. Perhaps you should try a Dole Float and take it with you into the Tiki Room.
A: I'd say that would be unwise.

Q: Why? It’s not like the birds would peck your eyes out or anything. I mean, you could take the Dole Whip onto the Jungle Cruise instead, if you like.
A: I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

Q: Nonsense! I hear monkeys love Dole Whip. So, have you seen the Tiki Room since it reopened?
A: I couldn't live without it.

Q: Was that you who danced around the fountain during “Let’s All Sing Like the Birdies Sing”?
A: What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[SacTown Chronic]

I read somewhere that sauerkraut flavored applesauce is your favorite....where in the world did you find such an item?

At a Wal-Mart in Germany.

Have you ever considered rubbing applesauce on your body?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

So you are telling me that you've never smeared applesauce on yourself?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

Uh, what is that on your nipples?

Applesauce.

Can I lick it off?

I'd say that would be unwise.

Have you ever put banana flavored applesauce on yourself?

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

So, why did you fly all the way to Germany just for applesauce?

I couldn't live without it.

When you arrived back in the States with your applesauce, you gouged out the eyes of the customs agent who tried to confiscate it. Why?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[blueerica]

Where did you meet your current beau? I understand that when you met him, he was working retail.

At a Wall-Mart in Germany.

What did you do to catch his eye? How did he catch yours?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

Why won’t you answer me?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

OK, so let’s change the subject, what’s your favorite food?

Applesauce.

Mind if I ask if you've done anything with applesauce, other than eat it?

I'd say that would be unwise.

Come on, you’ve had to try something fun with it…

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

So that probably puts you in great need of the Scooper, right?

I couldn't live without it.

Last week, you fired your agent, your manager, your publicist, and your mother, all apparently over some scuffle involving a Mars bar & half a can of 7up. Why did you do it?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Brilliant!

You didn't really want last night's stir-fry anyway. It's never as good the second day.

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Where did you do your first nude photo shoot?

1) At a Wall-Mart in Germany.

Tell us the truth, are German men as perverted as the magazines say? Do they like to wear diapers? Do they own vibrators powered by steam engines?

2) Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

Have you ever though about going back to school to get your high school diploma?

3) I thought about it, but then I thought better.

In your recent film, “Sexy Feast”, you had to apply various food items to your costars bodies. Which was your least favorite food to work with?

4) Applesauce.

What would you say to transitioning from pornographic film to mainstream movies?

5) I'd say that would be unwise.

Would you ever do a film involving bestiality?

6) I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

Why do you refuse to seek treatment for your substance abuse problem?

7) I couldn't live without it.

You might feel that way, now, but your addiction has certainly gotten you into some trouble in the past. On a recent binge you began a bar room brawl because a man asked you to sign your autograph on his wife’s breasts.

8) What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Originally Posted by Eliza Hodgkins 1812

You might feel that way, now, but your addiction has certainly gotten you into some trouble in the past. On a recent binge you began a bar room brawl because a man asked you to sign your autograph on his wife’s breasts.

..What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too...
You would! Plus, it wasn't like I burned the place down; I just smashed a few tables. It hurt me more than it hurt anyone else, what with the slivers. Everyone needs a little wood in them now and then, anyway.

[Ghoulish Delight]

I want a do over. I treated each question separately, didn't think to make it a coherent interview. Now I wanna try that.

Where could I find the cheapest box of corn flakes around AND an Adolf Hitler action figure?

At a Wall-Mart in Germany.

Don't you think Hitler would have endorsed Wal-Mart as a means to his final solution?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

Are you planning on creating a shoebox diarama of Auschwitz using the Hitler action figure?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

What were you going to use to represent the vomit from all of the sick inamtes?

Applesauce.

Would you consider contacting Simon Weisenthal and request he subsidise the diarama?

I'd say that would be unwise.

What about something grander and more educational? Like, say, an all-primate re-enactment of Hitler's last days?

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

Wal-Mart is considering recalling the Hitler action figure. Would you comply and return yours?

I couldn't live without it.

You threw a bottle of applesauce at a group of demonstrators outside of the Wal-Mart. Do you regret that?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

From the tasteless mind of MBC...



We now present to you an exclusive CNN interview with the new Pope.


Your Holiness, We are unfamiliar with your background. Exactly where were you a Cardinal?

At a Wall-Mart in Germany.

The previous Pope was considered a "Pope of the People". Will you carry on the tradition and work for the good of the common man?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

We have heard reports that you were considering the name "Pope Larry". Why didn't you go with that name?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

We understand that you are going to allow one form of birth control. Can you tell us what it will be?

Applesauce.

Hmm, that's an odd choice. Is this a form of birth control that is reliable?

I'd say that would be unwise.

Have you ever used applesauce as a contraceptive?

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

Why were you with a monkey in the first place?

I couldn't live without it.

We were under the impression that you took an oath of celebacy. And yet you had relations with a monkey?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.