people demanding invitations?

cstephens · 02-03-2006, 06:09 PM

Just something I've been thinking about because it's come up a few times on another forum where I lurk.

Has anyone encountered a situation where you were hosting/throwing some sort of party (wedding, birthday party, shower, whatever), and someone who you had not planned to invite found out about it and demanded an invitation? What would you do?

I've not actually been in this situation, so I don't know how I'd handle it. I think I might be too stunned by the audacity of someone who demanded to be invited. I had one friend who wanted to bring an extra person to our wedding, and I had to tell her that we couldn't accommodate that, and it was uncomfortable for me to do that, but it worked out ok in the long run.

In the situation that I recently read about, a casual co-worker of the groom-to-be knew about the upcoming wedding and basically demanded an invitation, saying she was going to crash it anyway if she didn't get a formal invite. They decided to give her a formal invite just to avoid the mess. In the situation of a friend who got married quite some years ago, there was a woman she had been friends with, but they'd had a falling out by the time of my friend's wedding, so she didn't invite the woman. Shortly after the wedding, the woman cornered my friend at their mutual college and demanded to know why she hadn't been invited. I don't actually remember what her response was.

I've run across situations where I've not been invited to something I was hoping to be invited to, and I was disappointed, but I wouldn't begin to think of demanding an invite. There were other situations where I wasn't sure if I'd be invited, and if I hadn't been, I would have understood, but the invitation came through.

There was a time when I was going around to friends soliciting wedding invitations (whether or not they were even seeing anyone at the time), but it was all done as a joke, and I only did it to really good friends, people I was spending a lot of time with anyway.

Anyway, just morbid curiosity. Thanks.

Prudence · 02-03-2006, 06:16 PM

you read etiquette hell too?

cstephens · 02-05-2006, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prudence

you read etiquette hell too?

Been a faithful reader of Etiquette Hell for some years now. I think I found it around the time that I was planning my wedding. I even gave her first book as Christmas gifts to lots of friends. I browse the boards periodically. In another life if I had more time and wasn't already participating in a few boards, I'd probably be on there too. Some of the stories really amaze me though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghoulish Delight

What about if someone calls you to tell you about an event, only to then tell you you're not invited.

Not quite the same, but I had a similar experience. I had a friend from college who ended up moving to L.A., and she ended up being my housemate for a little while. Things came up, and at the time that she moved out, we'd kind of drifted apart/had a minor falling out, so we didn't keep in touch at all. A few years later, after I'd gotten my own house, she called up my parents' house and she left word for me, so I called her back. We talked for a little bit, and she told me that she was getting married to the boyfriend she'd had when we were still friends. She told me a little about the wedding plans, and there wasn't much more to the conversation. I kept expecting her to tell me she was sending me an invitation, but she never said anything and no invitation arrived, so I had no idea what the point of her calling was. Maybe she figured she'd talk to me for a bit to see whether or not I should get an invitation, and I guess I didn't pass the test? I don't know. I wasn't disappointed at not getting an invitation as I hadn't been too fond of her boyfriend anyway. I just thought it was a weird call.

Not Afraid · 02-03-2006, 06:19 PM

Ugh.

More later.

Now, just UGH!

€uroMeinke · 02-03-2006, 06:25 PM

It's situational - sometimes you just can't accomodate another person. Weddings can have a huge per person cost sometimes, but even dinner reservations can create trouble if you "just add one more." I think those times it's easy to decline the request for invitation.

Other times, the person is just too annoying to accomodate for whatever reason. That's a bit more difficult if you have mutual friends and such. Often this is a huge source of Drama that begins somewhere when your a kid and someone has a birthday party. The Big thing to do, of course is invite everybody and let them self select about whether or not they go - I've found this is often the best solution.

Still there are those people you'd rather not deal with. I think the Miss Manners approach to put this off, is a simple, "I'm sorry but we can't accomodate you this time." Offer explanation or excuse - as that's a "problem" someone might try to solve. so just you may have to learn to say no in several different ways.

Alex · 02-03-2006, 07:16 PM

I'm big on "just because you're part of my life doesn't mean you're part of all my life" and have never succumbed to pressure to invite people to things where I didn't want them. And conversely never really get upset if I'm not invited to something.

If they came begging I'd tell them no, just to teach them the lesson. Unless it really was an oversight and then I'd still tell them no because they won't learn otherwise.

Ghoulish Delight · 02-03-2006, 11:21 PM

What about if someone calls you to tell you about an event, only to then tell you you're not invited.

Alex · 02-04-2006, 12:07 AM

For a wedding, it depends on how they're doing things overall and how close you are.

For my first wedding, we only invited a very select group of people (for cost reasons) but still told everybody. Of course, we explained it was a small wedding and if cost were no object then of course they'd be welcome.

For my second wedding (Lani), we only invited two people and didn't tell anybody else until aftrewards.

So if you're pretty close and it turns out they invited 450 people to the wedding I can see being a bit bothered, but otherwise it is there wedding. Would you prefer they neither invited nor told you?

€uroMeinke · 02-04-2006, 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghoulish Delight

What about if someone calls you to tell you about an event, only to then tell you you're not invited.

Did cstephans call you?

Ghoulish Delight · 02-04-2006, 12:09 AM

Oh, I know. It was just odd because we talked for a half hour about it before she told me I wasn't invited.

02-03-2006, 06:09 PM	#1
cstephens Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 231	people demanding invitations? Just something I've been thinking about because it's come up a few times on another forum where I lurk. Has anyone encountered a situation where you were hosting/throwing some sort of party (wedding, birthday party, shower, whatever), and someone who you had not planned to invite found out about it and demanded an invitation? What would you do? I've not actually been in this situation, so I don't know how I'd handle it. I think I might be too stunned by the audacity of someone who demanded to be invited. I had one friend who wanted to bring an extra person to our wedding, and I had to tell her that we couldn't accommodate that, and it was uncomfortable for me to do that, but it worked out ok in the long run. In the situation that I recently read about, a casual co-worker of the groom-to-be knew about the upcoming wedding and basically demanded an invitation, saying she was going to crash it anyway if she didn't get a formal invite. They decided to give her a formal invite just to avoid the mess. In the situation of a friend who got married quite some years ago, there was a woman she had been friends with, but they'd had a falling out by the time of my friend's wedding, so she didn't invite the woman. Shortly after the wedding, the woman cornered my friend at their mutual college and demanded to know why she hadn't been invited. I don't actually remember what her response was. I've run across situations where I've not been invited to something I was hoping to be invited to, and I was disappointed, but I wouldn't begin to think of demanding an invite. There were other situations where I wasn't sure if I'd be invited, and if I hadn't been, I would have understood, but the invitation came through. There was a time when I was going around to friends soliciting wedding invitations (whether or not they were even seeing anyone at the time), but it was all done as a joke, and I only did it to really good friends, people I was spending a lot of time with anyway. Anyway, just morbid curiosity. Thanks. __________________ Disneyland Resort trip reports and restaurant reviews and more The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
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02-03-2006, 06:16 PM	#2
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	you read etiquette hell too? __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
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02-03-2006, 06:19 PM	#4
Not Afraid HI! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 17,108	Ugh. More later. Now, just UGH!
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02-03-2006, 06:25 PM	#5
€uroMeinke L'Hédoniste Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: A.S.C.O.T. Posts: 8,671	It's situational - sometimes you just can't accomodate another person. Weddings can have a huge per person cost sometimes, but even dinner reservations can create trouble if you "just add one more." I think those times it's easy to decline the request for invitation. Other times, the person is just too annoying to accomodate for whatever reason. That's a bit more difficult if you have mutual friends and such. Often this is a huge source of Drama that begins somewhere when your a kid and someone has a birthday party. The Big thing to do, of course is invite everybody and let them self select about whether or not they go - I've found this is often the best solution. Still there are those people you'd rather not deal with. I think the Miss Manners approach to put this off, is a simple, "I'm sorry but we can't accomodate you this time." Offer explanation or excuse - as that's a "problem" someone might try to solve. so just you may have to learn to say no in several different ways. __________________ I would believe only in a God that knows how to Dance. Friedrich Nietzsche
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02-03-2006, 07:16 PM	#6
Alex . Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 13,354	I'm big on "just because you're part of my life doesn't mean you're part of all my life" and have never succumbed to pressure to invite people to things where I didn't want them. And conversely never really get upset if I'm not invited to something. If they came begging I'd tell them no, just to teach them the lesson. Unless it really was an oversight and then I'd still tell them no because they won't learn otherwise.
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02-03-2006, 11:21 PM	#7
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	What about if someone calls you to tell you about an event, only to then tell you you're not invited. __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
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02-04-2006, 12:07 AM	#8
Alex . Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 13,354	For a wedding, it depends on how they're doing things overall and how close you are. For my first wedding, we only invited a very select group of people (for cost reasons) but still told everybody. Of course, we explained it was a small wedding and if cost were no object then of course they'd be welcome. For my second wedding (Lani), we only invited two people and didn't tell anybody else until aftrewards. So if you're pretty close and it turns out they invited 450 people to the wedding I can see being a bit bothered, but otherwise it is there wedding. Would you prefer they neither invited nor told you?
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02-04-2006, 12:09 AM	#10
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	Oh, I know. It was just odd because we talked for a half hour about it before she told me I wasn't invited. __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
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