Favorite George Carlin Quotes

[Gemini Cricket]

I'm going to f*cking miss you, George.

Here are some good ones:

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

[Gemini Cricket]

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to f*ck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

What year did Jesus think it was?

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

[Ghoulish Delight]

One of my favorites can't be reproduced in text. It was his impression of a conservative housewife dropping a casserole. It was simply one word. "Sh!t" But it was all in the way he said it, of course.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

Just a couple of favorites-

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

[Tref]

I can't speak for any of the quotes above but so you know, a few years ago, George Carlin posted a message his website that the famous e-mail list of Carlin quotes were not his. Not-a one.

Like I said, I do not know the source of the above quotes but be-vare!

[NickO'Time]

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

Absolutely my favorite quote from this man.

[Kevy Baby]

"Does anybody want this? I'm only going to throw it away."

[SzczerbiakManiac]

"I'm not unwell, thank you."
(a response to the inane question, "How are you?")

[SzczerbiakManiac]

Some people see the glass as half-full. Others see it as half-empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be!

[Gemini Cricket]

I heard this the other day on the radio. It's more fun to hear him say it, but I'm amazed that he memorized the whole dang thing for his show.

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound.

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope.

I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I've got no need for coke and speed; I've got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up; you can't dumb me down.

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever; Laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver.

My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hard-core--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed.

And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin'; jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy, and lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt; and I'm hangin' tough. Over and out.