Isn't everything the worst?

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Thread title courtesy Liz Lemon

I'm a negative person. It's really not cool. I don't know if I've always been like this, or at least, have always had the possibility of it. There was a period in high school when people said I was a Pollyanna; annoyingly positive about everything. Maybe I just have to be an extremist.

In any case it's something I'd like to work on but I don't know how. Little problems make me very angry. There seems to be no solution to the little sucky things in life that don't involve more suckiness. If I can't find something in a messy drawer I'm angry that it's not organized, but if I actually got the whole house in order and maintained it on a daily basis (which is what it would take to keep my drawer organized) then I wouldn't have time to relax at all. Hence, every little setback is a reminder of my limitations and puts me on full anger mode in an instant.

How do I accept that everything sucks without being angry about it? Without being stoned, that is.

[Alex]

I don't know the how.

The title "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff--And It's All Small Stuff" is an easy cliche but, without ever having read the book, it well captures how I've viewed the world since about age 12 when my anger issues just stopped all their own (and I had significant anger issues).

Though one thing that I think does help is accepting that just because I care strongly about some issue doesn't create any obligation in other people to care strongly about it. So if I'm the one who cares most about something (whether the kitchen is clean, what to do on the weekend, how to handle decision making processes at work) then it falls to me to do something about it. And if I don't then I'm probably wrong about how much I actually care.

So this doesn't so much help me with self-anger but does keep me from really ever getting very angry with other people.

[Moonliner]

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

How do I accept that everything sucks without being angry about it? Without being stoned, that is.

In just a few short months, I'll be sending my "Theo" off to college. I'm not looking back thinking how the closets could have been cleaner, or the floors mopped more often. I'm thinking about the time we spent together and how I wish there had been more. More time for Scouting, baseball, better training on the proper uses of protocol analyzers.

I'll get the closets cleaned out after Moonie Jr. and Headliner are on their way. I'll have more free time then anyway. I know when I do I'll find all the stuff we bought because we couldn't find the stuff we already had. At least 20 pairs of scissors, a dozen screwdrivers, uncountable rolls of tape and all the left hand winter gloves that seem to have gone missing are all in there somewhere. In the meantime, my new gloves are comfy, warm and I had a nice trip to the store with Headliner to pick them out.

[Betty]

Are you getting any time to yourself? Alone? Besides going to the bathroom? To do whatever YOU want to do? Even if that's nothing at all.

[Capt Jack]

all my methods are based in the highly cliche' sayings we all know, but tend to sort of blow off because they are indeed so time worn and cliche'. all I can say is they work for me....somewhat.

bottom line:
grant me the will to change what I can change
the ability to accept what I cant change
and the wisdom to know the difference.


when things like the messy drawer start to get to me I say to myself 'is it gonna kill anyone or cost me money?'
inevitably the answer is usually 'no'..and that seems to take the edge off of it. it also tends to make me not deal with it, so its sort of a double edged sword.

in addition, I also have the luxury of living alone, so whatever doesnt get done, doesnt get blamed on anyone but me...in which case its usually handled by adopting the basic "eff it, I dont honestly care" mentality.

probably helped not at all...but, it really is what I do

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by Alex

Though one thing that I think does help is accepting that just because I care strongly about some issue doesn't create any obligation in other people to care strongly about it. So if I'm the one who cares most about something (whether the kitchen is clean, what to do on the weekend, how to handle decision making processes at work) then it falls to me to do something about it. And if I don't then I'm probably wrong about how much I actually care.

This is an interesting point, since I do get annoyed at GD for not helping, though I don't want to constantly tell him what to do. He is clear that he doesn't feel as I do about organization.

I think the logic goes, "He says he will help with anything I need to care for the baby, but the baby essentially needs me, so he should be doing things that I don't have time to do, even if it's something he doesn't care about, because I'm the one living in this house every day and unhappy with the situation, and he wants to make my job as easy as possible, right?" But that just means that I have to ask him to do these jobs and I really dislike telling anyone to do them...because I don't want to do them myself.

Originally Posted by Betty

Are you getting any time to yourself? Alone? Besides going to the bathroom? To do whatever YOU want to do? Even if that's nothing at all.

I'm usually not alone when I go to the bathroom these days. Today Theo is napping beautifully so I not only got a shower, I'm doing some chores and checking back here. He could wake at any time though, and some days the nap is very short. There are no guarantees. What often happens is that he goes down, I finally get to check the internet, and by the time I'm done with that, he's awake again. When it comes down to it, I don't want to use my precious alone time for doing chores that I really don't want to do...even if I get annoyed that they aren't done. Sigh.

Originally Posted by Moonliner

I'll get the closets cleaned out after Moonie Jr. and Headliner are on their way.

I love this post.

I can't help but think that the practicality of "I can't find this thing, arrrrghh!" doesn't go away, though.

Originally Posted by Capt Jack

bottom line:
grant me the will to change what I can change
the ability to accept what I cant change
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've muttered this saying (and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff) to myself many times over the years. Lately I've been doing less thinking and more blind-rage-reacting. Maybe I need to do more mantra work to make it stick.

[katiesue]

I get pissed over stupid stuff. And you can ask Madz, there is much cursing, which usually makes me feel better I try to take a step back and say this is stupid it's not a big deal.

As for getting stuff done I find if I break stuff down. Not I will clean the whole house but today I'll do the toilets, tomorrow the tub, Thursday the kitchen counter, then it doesn't seem so overwhelming. And if I get on a roll and do more fabulous. And if I'm thrashed it just doesn't happen.

[Disneyphile]

CP, I hear you very well on the nitpickiness.

Here are a couple things that have helped me tremendously:

• Nothing will be perfect. No matter how hard you try, and you'll only exhaust yourself in trying to make it so.
  
• Get rid of unnecessary guilt. That's the guilt that we feel by unrealistic expectations. We're all human. We all make mistakes. We can't be 100% on top of everything all the time. It's ok for a drawer to get messy. It happens. Fix it when you feel like it, but it IS ok to NOT fix it. Believe that. No one will condemn you for a messy drawer, and you shouldn't condemn yourself for it either.
  
• Find a little more time to yourself, even just 5 extra minutes a day, to shut your thoughts down. Listen to a favorite song, think of favorite thoughts, anything that releases you from your surroundings.

Doing this has actually made me more organized and more on top of things and a hell of a lot happier, believe it or not. And, I have a much better outlook on everything. Anger uses up way too much energy, and I didn't see that until now.

Been there, done that, I'm a recovering nitpicker.

[Betty]

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

I think the logic goes, "He says he will help with anything I need to care for the baby, but the baby essentially needs me,

Not necessarily true though. GD could come home and take the baby off your hands for 1/2 hour for you to do whatever - including doing nothing at all. And if not right away, maybe 1/2 hour after he got home and rested a bit.

He might also want to focus on doing things for you. Rubbing your feet would be a good example. Easy to do - very rewarding and doesn't require you to do a thing.

When I was a stay at home Mom, I had a hard time getting my husband to understand that just because I was home all day, didn't meant I wasn't working just as hard as he did, and didn't need a break at the end of the day just as bad as he did.

I also learned that a playpen to corral the kid in one spot while I cleaned up, showered, whatever, was just fine.

[Alex]

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

This is an interesting point, since I do get annoyed at GD for not helping, though I don't want to constantly tell him what to do. He is clear that he doesn't feel as I do about organization.

Well on the topic of nagging, I've found a couple things that tend to work. For things that must be done and nobody wants to do, we've predefined areas of responsibility which creates an awareness that nagging when we fail to meet those responsibilities is ok. It doesn't necessarily avoid momentary aggravation but it helps.

I take out the garbage, Lani puts a new bag in the can. I do laundry, she does dishes.

But my preferred level of neatness is the apartment is way above hers so I accept that means most cleaning falls to me and she accepts that me cleaning means I'm going to just dump all her random stuff onto her side of the bed. When it gets too deep (and she can tolerate a lot) then she gets to clean that area).

The other tool is a bit of a men are from Mars... communication issue.

Her speaking, me responding
"Do you want to clip the cat's nails sometime tonight?" - No.
"Help me clip the cat's nails at some point tonight?" - Sure, not a problem.

Me speaking, her responding
"Since you're not using them, could you get your craft stuff out of the living room?" - Maybe some day.
"It is really aggravating me having so much clutter in the living room and I'm not sure how they should be put away so could you take care of that this weekend?" - Sure thing.

So yes, to a degree it has come down to her learning to just tell me what she'd like me to do as opposed to trying to lead me to do what she wants. And for me, learning to explain more affective reasons for her to do what I want.