The Un-Interview

[SacTown Chronic]

I read somewhere that sauerkraut flavored applesauce is your favorite....where in the world did you find such an item?

At a Wal-Mart in Germany.

Have you ever considered rubbing applesauce on your body?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

So you are telling me that you've never smeared applesauce on yourself?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

Uh, what is that on your nipples?

Applesauce.

Can I lick it off?

I'd say that would be unwise.

Have you ever put banana flavored applesauce on yourself?

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

So, why did you fly all the way to Germany just for applesauce?

I couldn't live without it.

When you arrived back in the States with your applesauce, you gouged out the eyes of the customs agent who tried to confiscate it. Why?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.