Dress Pants: Help meeeeeeee

[Prudence]

And what is it with button placement? It doesn't take a genius to know that one button above and one below and none in between is guaranteed gaposis in the chestal region. Do buttons really need to be 6 inches apart? Is there a shortage?

I hate pants. I have long legs, short short short torso, especially the lower portion, and a big ol' butt. It's a recipe for impossibility. "Regular" pants come up to my armpits. I'm not exaggerating. I some lounge about pants where when I put the crotch in the proper location the waist band comes up over my boobs. Apparently if you're a size 18 you're also 7 feet tall. So-called "low-rise" pants have been my only salvation.