Bacon is meat candy.

[Alex]

The high overlord of satanic food products is the raisin. The raisin's chieftan underlords are tomatoes, avocado, and natto (chief underlord of Asia).

Together they rule in Satan's name with a monolithic disgustingness whose only chink is the fact that tomato's evil can be cleansed with the purifying power of the flame. This is a metaphysical counterbalance to the fact that the raisin only acquires its full potential evil from the flame as it is perverted from its innocent purity of youthful grapeness by the sun.

Together they seek to overwhelm the world through very ubiquity by appearing all over the place without announcement. It is amazing how many sandwich places will list every ingredient in a sandwich but the tomato. How many bread puddings and cinnamon rolls have been corrupted by the unannounced presence of raisins. How avocado has mind-melded with America's culinary institutions to deceive chef's into the notion that avocado goes well with everything.

Natto, fortunately, is so far an underperformer in the Western region. But foreign unknown gods are no less terrifying.

These are dark and troubling times, my friends, and we must be resolute and perpetually wary in our defense against the evil's encroachment. The prophet John De Bello warned us so many years ago and so few have chosen to listen. They'll come to regret their complacence.