It's Not Much, but the View is Great!

Gemini Cricket · 02-05-2009, 01:37 AM

It's Not Much, but the View is Great!
by: me

Whoopi: He just recently relocated to Hawaii, and is now the new author of the self-help book “My Problems Are Worse, Get Over Yourself” help me welcome to The View, Brad aka Gemini Cricket.

[Audience applause. Brad walks into the studio. He cordially shakes Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s hand but kisses Sherri Shepherd, Joy Behar, Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg.]

Brad: Thanks for having me on the show. Whoopi, I love the yarn t-shirt and lime Crocs.

Whoopi: Thank you.

Barbara: Earlier-

Brad: I got to say, Barbara, I think you’re fabulous. I want you and Joy to father my children.

Joy: Look, you made her blush. She’s as red as a Kennedy. She’s lost her train of thought.

Whoopi: It comes with age.

Barbara: Now, listen here. Some ripen with age. Like a good wine or a stinky cheese.

Joy: Or a stinky wine.

Barbara: I’m outnumbered. Thank you, Meredith.

Joy: Joy.

Barbara: Whoever.

Brad: You were going to ask me a question?

Barbara: Yes. During Hot Topics, we were discussing President Obama’s true planet of origin. What is your take on that?

Sherri: Because you’re from Hawaii and are back there now and that’s where he says he’s from… What do you think?

Brad: Unlike some, I do think Obama is from Earth-

Elizabeth: Mars.

Brad: And I-

Elizabeth: Totally from Mars.

Brad: I’ve never been to Mars myself, but I’ve been in close proximity to those who are truly in outer space.

Whoopi: You recently moved back to Hawaii to live after being in California and Chicago-

Joy: Boston.

Whoopi: Sorry, Boston for several years. Chicago, Boston, I get them all mixed up.

Elizabeth: Chicago is where Oprah is.

Whoopi: Yes.

Elizabeth: Oprah the billionaire.

Whoopi: And-

Elizabeth: Way more money than you, Whoops. Both in ‘The Color Purple’… one made it, the other is still trying.

Whoopi: Who gots an Oscar, Beeyatch? Anyway, how is the transition going?

Brad: Well, it’s been a challenge, really. I guess I thought I would just slip back in unnoticed and just continue life in Hawaii as if nothing had happened since I left. But I was wrong.

Barbara: For the first time in one of your moves, you actually had a job prior to relocation. That’s a new sensation for you isn’t it?

Brad: Uh, yes. It’s been great actually. A blessing, really.

Elizabeth: Oh, a blessing.

Brad: Yes.

Elizabeth: From anyone in particular? GOD maybe?

Brad: Maybe. I’m not an atheist, Hasselbeck. I’m agnostic. There’s a difference.

Elizabeth: Anything non-Christian is atheist.

Brad: I hear what you’re saying but you and those shoes are all wrong.

Sherri: I replaced Starr Jones.

Brad: Stunning.

Elizabeth: Just saying, you’re so anti-religion, to say ‘a blessing’ is a bit unlike you isn’t it?

Joy: Don’t hassle the Beck, Brad. Ignore the Coulter Limbaugh love child. Tell us more about Hawaii. Do you hula?

Brad: No.

Joy: Surf?

Brad: No.

Joy: Speak Hawaiian?

Brad: A couple of words.

Sherri: But it’s good to be back near family isn’t it? Family is so important. My mother used to tell me ‘family is so important, isn’t it, Sherri?’ and I used to reply, ‘yes.’

Brad: Actually, my family and I are doing okay. They’re still on me about giving up on Catholicism-

Elizabeth: Well, good for them.

Brad: And they think that because I’m not dating anyone at the moment that it really means that I’m straight now.

Joy: Not dating anyone? What about Don Ho? Oh he’s dead. Dead and straight. Never mind.

Whoopi: In your book, you said that you received a couple of Christmas cards from lady friends on the Lounge of Tomorrow that enclosed pictures. You said that your mom thinks that they are actually your girlfriends. Is that true?

Brad: Totally. Katiesue and Libraryvixen. She says that they’re really looking for me to help raise their girls. Isn’t that sweet?

Sherri: It is. It truly is.

Brad: It’ll be news to them.

Barbara: Do you feel like you’ve grown since the last time you’ve been home? Matured? Become more of a man?

Brad: No.

Joy: Your mom’s kind of a c*nt isn’t she?

Brad: Especially on a full moon.

Joy: I hear that when you give her a hug, you need to check to see if any vital organs are missing from you afterward.

Brad: Something like that.

Elizabeth: My mom’s a saint.

Joy: Your mom should have kept her legs crossed.

Whoopi: So, I hear your big sister wants all five of you to go into therapy.

Brad: Good idea, don’t you think? Five in therapy?

Sherri: When I was sick once I took Flu Therapy. It helped.

Brad: Miracle of miracles. [Answering Whoopi] But yes, we’re scheduling a therapy session. It should make a good novel or maybe a play.

Joy: Isn’t “Mommie Dearest” already a play?

Brad: I don’t know.

[cont'd]

02-05-2009, 01:37 AM	#1
Gemini Cricket ... Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 13,244	It's Not Much, but the View is Great! It's Not Much, but the View is Great! by: me Whoopi: He just recently relocated to Hawaii, and is now the new author of the self-help book “My Problems Are Worse, Get Over Yourself” help me welcome to The View, Brad aka Gemini Cricket. [Audience applause. Brad walks into the studio. He cordially shakes Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s hand but kisses Sherri Shepherd, Joy Behar, Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg.] Brad: Thanks for having me on the show. Whoopi, I love the yarn t-shirt and lime Crocs. Whoopi: Thank you. Barbara: Earlier- Brad: I got to say, Barbara, I think you’re fabulous. I want you and Joy to father my children. Joy: Look, you made her blush. She’s as red as a Kennedy. She’s lost her train of thought. Whoopi: It comes with age. Barbara: Now, listen here. Some ripen with age. Like a good wine or a stinky cheese. Joy: Or a stinky wine. Barbara: I’m outnumbered. Thank you, Meredith. Joy: Joy. Barbara: Whoever. Brad: You were going to ask me a question? Barbara: Yes. During Hot Topics, we were discussing President Obama’s true planet of origin. What is your take on that? Sherri: Because you’re from Hawaii and are back there now and that’s where he says he’s from… What do you think? Brad: Unlike some, I do think Obama is from Earth- Elizabeth: Mars. Brad: And I- Elizabeth: Totally from Mars. Brad: I’ve never been to Mars myself, but I’ve been in close proximity to those who are truly in outer space. Whoopi: You recently moved back to Hawaii to live after being in California and Chicago- Joy: Boston. Whoopi: Sorry, Boston for several years. Chicago, Boston, I get them all mixed up. Elizabeth: Chicago is where Oprah is. Whoopi: Yes. Elizabeth: Oprah the billionaire. Whoopi: And- Elizabeth: Way more money than you, Whoops. Both in ‘The Color Purple’… one made it, the other is still trying. Whoopi: Who gots an Oscar, Beeyatch? Anyway, how is the transition going? Brad: Well, it’s been a challenge, really. I guess I thought I would just slip back in unnoticed and just continue life in Hawaii as if nothing had happened since I left. But I was wrong. Barbara: For the first time in one of your moves, you actually had a job prior to relocation. That’s a new sensation for you isn’t it? Brad: Uh, yes. It’s been great actually. A blessing, really. Elizabeth: Oh, a blessing. Brad: Yes. Elizabeth: From anyone in particular? GOD maybe? Brad: Maybe. I’m not an atheist, Hasselbeck. I’m agnostic. There’s a difference. Elizabeth: Anything non-Christian is atheist. Brad: I hear what you’re saying but you and those shoes are all wrong. Sherri: I replaced Starr Jones. Brad: Stunning. Elizabeth: Just saying, you’re so anti-religion, to say ‘a blessing’ is a bit unlike you isn’t it? Joy: Don’t hassle the Beck, Brad. Ignore the Coulter Limbaugh love child. Tell us more about Hawaii. Do you hula? Brad: No. Joy: Surf? Brad: No. Joy: Speak Hawaiian? Brad: A couple of words. Sherri: But it’s good to be back near family isn’t it? Family is so important. My mother used to tell me ‘family is so important, isn’t it, Sherri?’ and I used to reply, ‘yes.’ Brad: Actually, my family and I are doing okay. They’re still on me about giving up on Catholicism- Elizabeth: Well, good for them. Brad: And they think that because I’m not dating anyone at the moment that it really means that I’m straight now. Joy: Not dating anyone? What about Don Ho? Oh he’s dead. Dead and straight. Never mind. Whoopi: In your book, you said that you received a couple of Christmas cards from lady friends on the Lounge of Tomorrow that enclosed pictures. You said that your mom thinks that they are actually your girlfriends. Is that true? Brad: Totally. Katiesue and Libraryvixen. She says that they’re really looking for me to help raise their girls. Isn’t that sweet? Sherri: It is. It truly is. Brad: It’ll be news to them. Barbara: Do you feel like you’ve grown since the last time you’ve been home? Matured? Become more of a man? Brad: No. Joy: Your mom’s kind of a cnt isn’t she? Brad:* Especially on a full moon. Joy: I hear that when you give her a hug, you need to check to see if any vital organs are missing from you afterward. Brad: Something like that. Elizabeth: My mom’s a saint. Joy: Your mom should have kept her legs crossed. Whoopi: So, I hear your big sister wants all five of you to go into therapy. Brad: Good idea, don’t you think? Five in therapy? Sherri: When I was sick once I took Flu Therapy. It helped. Brad: Miracle of miracles. [Answering Whoopi] But yes, we’re scheduling a therapy session. It should make a good novel or maybe a play. Joy: Isn’t “Mommie Dearest” already a play? Brad: I don’t know. [cont'd]
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