The unexamined life

[AllyOops!]

First of all, you DON'T suck. You post amongst good people, correct? O.J. sucks. Manson sucks. Scaeagles does NOT.

While your surgeon friend that passed away sounds like a remarkable & wonderful man, I'm sure that he, too, went through his period of doubts. Every person does. And consider this- if the world was filled with only surgeons, and that was our only job, how would the world even continue to operate? We ALL serve a purpose. We all have roles to fullfill & tasks to do that have a meaningful place in this world.

The girl at the tanning salon, the girl who operates the register at my favorite clothing boutiques, the good people of T Mobile. Maybe the jobs that they have don't sound very exciting or glamourous, but they sure add meaning to my life. I need 'em! And those are just the little fun things in life! We all need each other for something.

Volunteer work is always good for the Soul.

The anniversary of my late best friend's death will be on Monday. It will be 5 years! My late boyfriend died shortly after, followed by another friend the very next week. My Mom was suffering from a deadly form a cancer (THANK GOD she beat it!). During that time, I was inconsolable. Lost. I found myself wondering why I was allowed to continue living here on earth. What was my plan? My late best friend & late boyfriend had so much to offer the world! Talent, brains, beauty, the whole package. I certainly didn't have those things! Why am I here? Then, as my grief enveloped me, I found myself "feeling left out" that I had been left behind. If everybody I love got to die & go to Heaven, why not me? Why couldn't I join? That was when I knew that I needed help. However, I continued to bottle up my feelings (because, you know, I considered that "strong" at the time) years down the line as more deaths occured, self medicating & numbing myself to any & all feelings. I'm really pleased to say now that I no longer feel that way, nor do I recklessy numb myself anymore, and I love living my life & am grateful to be here each & every day! My faith is what keeps me alive.

Having said that, I DO always think that I suck. I'm a perfectionist & I'm hyper critical of myself. In my mind, I am never good enough. I can do much better. That drive pushes me, but it also defeats me at times and drains me of my energy.

Okay, I'm done pontificating. Hang in there!