Joseph Ratzinger named new pope-- Benedict XVI

[Boss Radio]

The pope is an old man in a pointy hat and robe and a pointy stick who repeats jingoistic bible slogans to his adoring masses. He has the easiest job in the world - everybody on his team loves him because of the hat and robe and pointy stick - but he is merely a living, breathing wedding cake topper - a sadly human icon of an ancient system of beliefs that more than anything excels at keeping a great portion of humanity numb, confused and unable to make even the tiniest of steps forward.

Of course, the same could be said for Carrot Top.

Nothing much will change, except perhaps new letterhead at the Vatican. A whole new Pope wardrobe. Pious pants, holy loafers and most sacred undergarments.

Could you imagine if all of the great and holy rollers came out of the conclave empty-handed? What if they just shrugged and said, "We're tired of buying new fitted robes and hats. The pope is a symbol of our faith, and these modern times necessitate change. The conclave calls upon Pixar to create a virtual 3D pope based on character designs modeled by Art Clokey. Pixar has the technical know-how and Clokey has the religious cred, courtesy of Davey and Goliath."

The new 3D pope would be accessible to anyone with a dial-up connection, and at churches, libraries and internet cafes.

He could appear in holiday-themed TV specials, and would be able to walk into many books, with his pony pal, Cardinal Bernard "Pokey" Law.

Sadly, it wouldn't work. Clokey was in the employ of the Lutherans.

Commemorative Kellogg's Pope Tarts, anyone?