Deliciously thumbs-down movie reviews

[LSPoorEeyorick]

I must confess that sometimes I enjoy a well-written bad review from a wordsmith of a critic more than I enjoy a good movie. Or, at least, a movie that I accept to be good but I don't particularly enjoy watching (take, for instance, "Saving Private Ryan.")

To feed my habit, I troll websites like Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes. And now and then I come across a doozy. One of my favorite critics, A.O. Scott from the New York Times, had this to say about Taking Lives:

... there is not much to say. Those smashed-up corpses-- they sure are gruesome. That Angelina Jolie-- she sure has some pair of lips. That Kiefer Sutherland-- he sure can be creepy. That Ethan Hawke-- he sure is in this movie.

So I have decided to start this thread so that I could pop in every so often and share some quotable critics with you. And if you have any inclination, please, share. BYO snarky observer.

I'll start out with a new one from Carina Chocano in the Los Angeles Times, of "Bewitched," which opens today:

It isn't a remake, really. It's a 'reimagining,' which is a sparkly word for what happens when a beloved TV hit of yesteryear his cannibalized by committee.

[libraryvixen]

I love to read reviews of movies I want, or have just recently seen. Take this gem about Herbie Fully Loaded, written by Joshua Tyler of Cinemablend.com

As the movie’s title implies he’s been updated, now he’s possessed by the Devil.

or Liz Braun from Jam! Movies

Now you know why the moms or dads who must go to family movies are always holding reefer.

Great thread LSPE!

[mousepod]

A.O. Scott strikes again!

about Sally Potter's "Yes":

"Yes" is not just a movie, in other words, it's a poem. A bad poem.
... The shame is that this sentiment has the psychological weight and ideological nuance of a bumper sticker, which is pretty much what "Yes" amounts to. ... Ms. Potter does not want you to think, but rather to nod your head in agreement. Please.

[mousepod]

Seems like "Yes", with its script in verse, is a "gimme" for clever critics.
Here's Anthony Lane from the New Yorker:

The latest Sally Potter film, called “Yes,”

Describes a love affair. I must confess

Her other work—“Orlando,” starring Tilda

Swinton, so uptight I could have killed her,

And “The Tango Lesson”—left me numb.

This new film is a little warmer; some

Of the encounters rage and seethe. The scene

Is London, where Joan Allen (hail the queen

Of hauteur) plays an embryologist,

Married, lonely, miserable, and pissed.

She meets a chef (Simon Abkarian), who’s cute,

Mustachioed, intense, and from Beirut.

They stroll beneath the blossom, get the hots,

Nuzzle close, and talk of apricots.

“You can taste her secret with your tongue”:

So says our guy, to show he’s really hung.

And that’s the story. Not much else

occurs.

He does a writhing dance. She moans and purrs.

Sam Neill, as her husband, stands and drinks

And fails to grasp a single thing she thinks.

By the end, we know what Potter hates:

Bigots, God, and the United States,

And Anglo-Saxon men in suits and ties

Who seem unable to control their flies.

And here’s the hook: I guess it could be worse,

But—brace yourself—the whole damn thing’s in verse.

Rhyming couplets, five-stress lines, the lot:

A Michael Bay production this is not.

“Do make yourself at home. Come; sit by me,

Something to drink? Perhaps you’d like some tea.”

You may get off on this enthralling stuff,

But after half an hour I’d had enough.

I have a secret hunch that Potter knows

Her tale is skimpy; that is why she goes

For multiple dissolves, CCTV,

And endless slo-mo: all the devilry

That smart directors use to fill the time—

Think George Lucas, minus droids, plus rhyme.

I’d love to say I watched this film and cried

At witnessing the cultural divide

That Potter sees as wounding West and East;

I could have squeezed my Raisinets, at least.

As things stand, I came out more

impressed—

Check out Joan Allen in a running vest,

Sweating those pentameters away—

Than moved by anything it had to say.

“Yes” is brave; I only wish its beauty

Didn’t come with such a sense of duty.

It leaves you looking coldly down your nose

At movies where the people speak in prose.

(Should you want a Potter who will carry

The flag for British movies, bring on Harry.)

So just imagine all the table talk

These coming summer evenings in New York:

“Darling, ‘Yes’ is playing. We could go

And skip the ‘O.C.’ rerun. Shall we?” “No.”

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Think George Lucas, minus droids, plus rhyme.

'Tis a thing of beauty.

[Matterhorn Fan]

I even didn't get to the Lucas line
That review-poem was so far from fine.

[mousepod]

for those that can't make it all the way through Lane's review:

(Should you want a Potter who will carry

The flag for British movies, bring on Harry.)

[Not Afraid]

This was my favorite little "verse"

They stroll beneath the blossom, get the hots,

Nuzzle close, and talk of apricots.

“You can taste her secret with your tongue”:

So says our guy, to show he’s really hung.

And that’s the story. Not much else

occurs.

He does a writhing dance. She moans and purrs.

Nuzzle close, and talk of apricots? Ooooh! Sassy!

[mousepod]

A.O. Scott strikes again! From today's NY Times review of The Fantastic Four

...television is probably too smart for a lowest-common-denominator product like "Fantastic Four," which is fantastic only in its commitment to mediocrity.