Spare a thought for poor Susie-Ann Krellingshaw.

[LashStoat]

…In a letter from Susie-Ann to me, after “Shoot the Stars”:

“Dear Uncle Sthtoat” (she has a lisp OK – don’t knock it – in goes the Babel Fish, and hence everything she says will sound perfectly Britith…ummm…”Testing testing 123”…British)

“I have since determined the flaw in my “Shoot the Stars” act. I should have chosen a more up-tempo dance track”. (OK LoTters, send ideas for good tap music, and if you say “Handel’s Water Music” I’ll give you ever such a pinch. Knock yourselves out. She did).

“Plastic Bertrand’s Ca plane pour moi was just too slow to synchronise with pickle-jar filling”, she goes on to say.

Apparently S-A has since written an essay (pun intended) on the effects of gravity versus the viscosity of falling tomato relish, and expounds the theory that she requires a backing track of precisely 9/4 time to achieve the desired effect on stage without mishap. This, apparently coupled with a switch to a Jew’s Harp and Dill pickles will fit the bill, or so she asserts. I must say her sources of reference are impressive as they include data from the Albuquerque Glass Company and the Iowa Country Women’s Association (Preservation Branch, Relishes Sub-Committee, headed by Eulalie Mackechnie Shinn).

“I am confident that the routine will be floor-less [sic] if I can acquire the speed”.

Now, Dear LoTters, how do I tell my little adoring TDHPPB (yes, there’s a prize for guessing what that acronym means) fan that she needs to find a drug-peddling neighborhood pimp to get her hands on the speed?

…and more to the point, can she afford enough for the audience so they can appreciate her …umm… talent?