Dear:

[Prudence]

Dear grant office:

I'm sorry that my monthly report request is such an enormous burden on you that you felt it necessary to a) make snarky comments about my request and b) include those comments when you forwarded to me your request to call you about it.

However, you are the grant office. You are the *only* office on campus that knows which industry-sponsored clinical trials ultimately receive funding. I need that list in order to determine which studies to bill for their IRB fee. I have to do it this way because YOUR OFFICE, when setting up this plan, didn't think to set up a system for fee collection.

Furthermore, the office to which the fees are owed was, until last July, part of your office. So, until you spun them off into their own unit, they were part of you. If you hadn't done that, you'd have to do this report anyhow because I'm sure you'd want the tens of thousands of dollars (that make up the ENTIRE operations budget that is now $40K in the red because of missing fees) if they were going into your budget.

AND, your office is subordinate to mine. You are a subordinate unit in the University-wide Office of Research. I've got my marching orders from the Vice Provost and she's your boss, too. She wants this done, and I doubt she'll be pleased when I inform her that you refused to help. Particularly after Friday's "team building" retreat where we all were encouraged to work together. That includes you, by the way.

I'm sorry that academic units badger you for reports because they don't maintain their own databases. This is hardly the same situation, as should be perfectly clear from the information requested and the units making the request. Perhaps if you had considered the fee collection process when concocting this scheme I wouldn't need to be making this request, so step off, beeyotch.

No love AT ALL,
Me.