Feeling goofy - post your favorite lame jokes here

[surfinmuse]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[Prudence]

A knight and his men return to their castle after a
long, hard campain.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing
and pillaging on your behalf all month, burning the
towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies
to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

[TigerLily]

A woman brought a very limp duck to a vet, so he took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment the vet shook his head, "I'm so sorry, but your duck is dead."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, the duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. Maybe he's in a coma or something."

The vet left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. Then, with sad eyes, he looked at the vet and shook his head.

The vet went out again and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed at the bird. Then it meowed softly, shook its head, and strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this duck is definitely dead." Then he turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill.



"$1,500!" she cried, "just to tell me my duck is dead?"

"I'm sorry", the vet replied. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"

[Name]

Two men walk into a bar.......

Spoiler:

The third one ducked....


I know, really lame, but, the thread title is your favourite LAME jokes.....

[CoasterMatt]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Spoiler:

Anybody can roast beef

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Spoiler:

Unique up on it

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Spoiler:

Tame way, unique up on it

[CoasterMatt]

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

[Prudence]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

[SwankBeer]

This is the lamest joke of all time so I have to tell it


What did the bird say when it flew inside a K-mart?

Spoiler:

Cheap-cheap

[Prudence]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.





It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

[wendybeth]

Very good one, Prudence-lol!