Feeling goofy - post your favorite lame jokes here - Page 9

Ghoulish Delight · 10-19-2005, 01:35 PM

If you get this one, hang your head in shame for you are a NERD! (and yes, my head is hanging). It's for the Java geeks out there...

Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. ``Hey, baby'', he says, ``my VM or yours''. She slaps him and he walks back dejected. The second int walks over. ``Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast''. After a quick slapping, he too walks back. The Float then ambles over casually. ``Were those two primitive types bothering you?'', he remarks. ``Yes. I'm so glad you're here'', she says. ``They just had no Class!''

Kevy Baby · 10-20-2005, 07:27 AM

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Spoiler:

Ghoulish Delight · 12-14-2005, 05:02 PM

Why can't computer programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?

Spoiler:

Capt Jack · 12-14-2005, 05:09 PM

if it takes a hen and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half
then how long would it take a rooster to lay a doorknob?

give up??

Spoiler:

CoasterMatt · 12-14-2005, 05:48 PM

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

Fab · 12-15-2005, 12:57 AM

What do you call a fly without wings?

Spoiler:

Prudence · 12-17-2005, 04:55 PM

There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers.

At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus.

As they rode down the highway, you could hear their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and its name was Peter.

That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the
Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by
hunters.

He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.

The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read.......

"Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers"

Prudence · 12-17-2005, 04:58 PM

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward?

"No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit."

Prudence · 12-18-2005, 12:00 AM

A man goes into a butcher's shop and sees the display cabinet is held up by
pigs' trotters.

He says to the butcher, "Are those REAL pigs trotters?"

And the butcher says...

"No, they're counterfeit!"

lindyhop · 12-18-2005, 03:27 PM

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

Spoiler:

10-19-2005, 01:35 PM	#1
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	If you get this one, hang your head in shame for you are a NERD! (and yes, my head is hanging). It's for the Java geeks out there... Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. ``Hey, baby'', he says, ``my VM or yours''. She slaps him and he walks back dejected. The second int walks over. ``Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast''. After a quick slapping, he too walks back. The Float then ambles over casually. ``Were those two primitive types bothering you?'', he remarks. ``Yes. I'm so glad you're here'', she says. ``They just had no Class!'' __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
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10-20-2005, 07:27 AM	#2
Kevy Baby Chowder Head Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Yes Posts: 18,500	What did one plate say to the other plate? Spoiler: Lunch is on me __________________ The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot verify their validity. - Abraham Lincoln
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12-14-2005, 05:02 PM	#3
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	Why can't computer programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas? Spoiler: Because OCT 31 = DEC 25 __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ Last edited by Ghoulish Delight : 12-14-2005 at 05:28 PM.
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12-14-2005, 05:09 PM	#4
Capt Jack check your head Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 4,174	if it takes a hen and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half then how long would it take a rooster to lay a doorknob? give up?? Spoiler: so did the rooster __________________ a clear conscience is a sure sign of a fuzzy memory
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12-14-2005, 05:48 PM	#5
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is." __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
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12-15-2005, 12:57 AM	#6
Fab Señora Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 124	What do you call a fly without wings? Spoiler: A walk.
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12-17-2005, 04:55 PM	#7
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers. At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show. Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could hear their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles. At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and its name was Peter. That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party. But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by hunters. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus. The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere. The next day, the headline in the paper read....... "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers" __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
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12-17-2005, 04:58 PM	#8
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to speak to the first man he sees and the man pipes up: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a'ye tak your place, painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace as lang's my arm." The Englishman, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need not start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!" The Englishman turns to the doctor accompanying him on the visit and asks what sort of ward this is. A psychiatric ward? "No, No," replies the doctor, "It's the serious Burns unit." __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
	Submit to Quotes

12-18-2005, 12:00 AM	#9
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	A man goes into a butcher's shop and sees the display cabinet is held up by pigs' trotters. He says to the butcher, "Are those REAL pigs trotters?" And the butcher says... "No, they're counterfeit!" __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
	Submit to Quotes

12-18-2005, 03:27 PM	#10
lindyhop Swing Swank Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Long Beach Posts: 997	Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Spoiler: He knows where all the bad girls live.
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