Ponine's Corner

[blueerica]

Very nice to see you, indeed, Ponine. As one who has gone away and come back, it's nice to come back into open arms.

/hug

[Ponine]

Did you know,
that I like sitting by the window in the rain?

That a single daisy from the patch outside makes me as happy as a store bought rose?

Or that I could drift peacefully with the sound of the ocean.

Did you know that it's not about the characters, or the rides,
I like Disneyland because of what it meant to a man,
Because its the culmination of so many dreams in one place.

Did you know that its my dream to be pretty?

That quite honestly, that I find you beautiful?

Did you know that with one touch from you, I can live on that glow the whole day?
With one sweet nothing from you, the angry people in my day are of no concern.

Did you know that someday I want to be able to see a ring on my finger, and believe in why it's there?

Did you know.......

That I made up my first boyfriend as a kid?
That my date to my first dance doesnt even remember me when he sees me?
That my favortie candy as a child was sweet tarts?

Did you know that I am scared to death of my father dying?
But, I cant bring myself to hug him?

Did you know that I think my father is ashamed of my choices?
But that I think he'd like you?

Did you know that I hate being 'bright' ?
That I hate standing out, and having people expect me to excell in some way.

Do you know.........
How happy you make me?

Did you know I was the jealous type?
If you had, would you have bothered?

Did you know that cotton candy is one of the best things on earth to me?

Did you know that I cry buckets at chick flicks?
Or that I avoid romances only because they depress me?

Do you know, that I want to be good at something?

[katiesue]

Bravo!

[Ponine]

It's one of those days.



I’m sorry…
That I am not who you think I should be
That I don’t like it when you say I’m pretty
That I don’t want the same things you do
That sometimes I loathe the very thought of you
That I cannot give you want you want, no matter how hard I try.

I’m sorry...
That my most developed emotion is remorse
That I’m not able to be yours right now
That I don’t have the courage you need me to have
That I am so afraid
That I don’t have all the answers for you
That I need you.

I’m sorry…
That I cant lose the weight I so desperately want to
That I lack the ability to stand up for myself
That I don’t like who I see in the mirror.
That I cant just fix everything, right here, right now
That I just need someone to listen
to understand

[Ponine]

Main Entry: ex·pec·ta·tion
Pronunciation: "ek-"spek-'tA-sh&n, ik-
Function: noun
1 : the act or state of expecting : ANTICIPATION <in expectation of what would happen>
2 a : something expected <not up to expectations> <expectations for an economic recovery> b : basis for expecting : ASSURANCE <they have every expectation of success> c : prospects of inheritance -- usually used in plural
3 : the state of being expected

Main Entry: ex·pect
Pronunciation: ik-'spekt
Function: verb
Etymology: Latin exspectare to look forward to, from ex- + spectare to look at, frequentative of specere to look -- more at SPY
1 archaic : AWAIT
2 : to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of <we expect them any minute now> <expected a telephone call>
3 : SUPPOSE, THINK
4 a : to consider probable or certain <expect to be forgiven> <expect that things will improve> b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary <expected hard work from the students> c : to consider bound in duty or obligated <they expect you to pay your bills>

There's a reason I don't have expectations,
Or at least a reason I try not to.

If I expect, I set myself up to be hurt.
I don't need the extra help.

If I expect, the world can disappoint.
It doesn't need the extra help.

Why is it then that even as I try not to have expectations,
I somehow still do?

I long for many things.
I anticipate a great many more.
I however foresee none.

I hope, for things I think that others may expect.

I hope,
For the unsolicited "I like you",
and for the intimate touch of a loved one.

I cherish;
Moments I feel worthy of love,
Hearing someone say they think me worthy,
Times when I feel safe,
and hours when I can just be me.

I dream;
Of moments without rules or restrictions.
That a time will come where I don't care who's watching,
Of a future where I don't live behind a smokescreen.

I don't expect any of these things.
To expect I would feel loss if they did not happen.

Without the expectation,
I feel joy when they do.

Never the less,
Occasionally, expectation creeps in.
And every time, that expectation raises it fur, and strikes a death blow to the heart.
I can't expect. I won't.

I dream, hope, fancy, and long for.
And with all I am, I cherish what I am given.

[Ponine]

I have been reflecting upon an email/reply that a LoT'r sent to me, that I have never truly had the nerve to answer.
She was so open with her opinions, but I couldnt, at the time, be as open as she.
But, regardless, I have been thinking about many things she said, and trying to formulate a response.. being that the topic of the email was sex..

It was this whole thing on how people percieve it, and where they stand.
My knowledge was limited in a great many ways.
Emotionally and in a sense physically... but I own a library card, and I can drive to the bookstore, so I examined other opinions.

I dont have an answer for her yet.. but I did realize something for myself... the opinions that I have, the perceptions I have had in my life, or the way I say "I was trained" ,

Sex was a currency.

Not a gift, not a toy, a pleasure, a currency.

Odd. And for me, somewhat profound. I just had to voice that.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

I earnestly hope that one day you can see sex in a better light. It's one of the most basic pleasures we can offer each other.


*hug*

[Ponine]

Until yesterday, I never really thought that I saw it in a "bad light" , it just WAS.

I think it was thinking about what I wanted to reply to that email it just suddenly clicked, that by and large, this was how I catagorizied it.

I think it's only recently that I saw it any other way.
It's just that when it hit me, it was such a profound concept, that made so much sense... I really didnt know what to do.