The Fat Thread

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

I am planning on losing a lot of weight in the next ten days.

It's called the "Oh, I spent all my discretionary income this weekend and I have 10 more days until payday" diet.

Or the "EH 1812 is a big f**king idiot" diet.

Yeah, baby! 10 Days to a Hungrier, Crankier, Skinnier You!

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Heh, and here I was calling Riding Crops the "fat thread" for almost a week now!

I've been pretty verbose over there about how I feel, I think. I haven't given much background, though.

I've been chubby my whole life. I was a chubby baby. I was the chubby three-year-old the called "Moose" because I got the chocolate mousse all over my face. I come from a chubby family with pictures of ancestors at the turn of the century who did back-breaking work in the fields all day and were pretty poor but whom STILL looked like they were built by the Mack truck company. Food was definitely a reward, a celebration, a way of loving your children-- even if my mother demonstrated to us day after day that she believed that she was ugly and terrible for eating it. But her story is a much longer one that you'll all hear in another format someday. This is MY story.

I was the chubby pom-pon girl who had to have two size eight pom-pon skirts sewn together to create my size sixteen. (Boy, that was my "I'm so fat" hardly fat period.) I was the chubby sex kitten french maid in the school play. I was the chubby ballerina.

I wasn't truly obese until late college and thereafter, I'd say. Directing or producing or stage managing three or four plays a semester doesn't facilitate good eating at college prices. And as an upperclassman I entered an abusive relationship, for reasons among many, because I couldn't imagine myself being loved by anybody better, and I'm sure the weight had something to do with it. When I finally had the faith in myself to realize that I deserved a better exiestence, I pulled myself out of it. But at that point, I no longer wanted sex or intimacy or beauty or success, but I DID want food and space and to hold on to my mind for dear life.

This was, incidentally, when I moved out here. I lived a quiet and lonely year before, well, I met you all.

Somewhere near the end of my quiet and lonely year, I decided that this is the person I am, and this is the person I want to be. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be someone who was disappointed in the way she looked, or who hid behind it because she didn't want anybody else to be attracted to it.

So I reached out. I hung out on this message board, I made friends in a choir, at work, through friends. I put a personal ad on the internet and I dated a lot of people, none of whom impressed me very much. As I was doing this on a few boards designed expressly for plus-sized women and the variety of people who find them attractive, I came across many too many people who were into me because I was fat (one even objected to my losing weight.) Or interested in me despite the fact that I was fat. It wasn't until Tom came along that I found what I was looking for-- not only the sweet, cute, clever person who shares my interests, but also someone who loves me, period, as though my fat doesn't enter into it.

And that makes me happy. Because I don't ever want to be thin. It's not that I don't want to be healthy. I saw a dietician last year for just that reason. I eat pretty well (especially now that I'm vegetarian) and I only splurge a little now and then. When I was with the specialist regularly, I was swimming laps 45 minutes daily for 13 out of 14 days, and that is the *only* time in my life I've lost weight. My good eating habits have prevented me from gaining back that weight, but goodness knows as soon as I stopped swimming, I didn't lose another ounce. I've got the gym plan into place, and I've got the budget ready to pay for it in January when I will be able to.

I'd be pleased to lose fifty or sixty pounds. I don't complain about my body, because I love my body no matter how it looks-- it's the only one I've got. There are days when the average society's standards of attraction get to me. But mostly that can be reduced down to concern that those who love me will not love me as much or anymore because one day they'll stumble into that "fat is disgusting; a fat person isn't as much a person as thin people" sentiment I've observed thoughout my life-- and these are words I've actually heard before. Those days are few and far between, though. They seem tied into hormones or other insecurities. A majority of my days, I quite fancy myself.

A fair amount of my writing (short stories, especially my screenplay) ties into my feelings about fat, about presumptions made about those who are fat, about my mother's experience, my friends', mine. I can't wait to make the movie someday, because I think that, as obesity creeps across the country, there are more and more people who deserve a voice, such as this thread, my movie, anything, that will let them express who they are, and why, and why they aren't to be trivialized.

When it comes down to it, I like the look of soft-edged people. I wouldn't want to be smaller than a size sixteen, or eighteen, even. Augh! There I go again, with the words I was programmed to say. I have to remind myself again and again: I am not a size twenty-four. I am a WOMANARTISTWRITERLOVERDAUGHTERFRIENDPERSON who WEARS a size twenty-four. And that's OK.

[blueerica]

I love Heidi.

[SacTown Chronic]

I love Heidi.


For me it's simple, if I don't work out I'll gain weight. That's the way my body seems to work. Plus I eat a lot so that might have something to do with it.

So I work out 6 days a week. Four days of weight training and two days of cardio.

But I think I'd work out even if I wasn't waging constant war with my weight. I enjoy my workouts (Except the cardio. I effing hate the cardio.) and I always feel great when I'm done.

[lashbear]

Originally Posted by SacTown Chronic

So I work out 6 days a week. Four days of weight training and two days of cardio.

Any photos ?

[MickeyLumbo]

Originally Posted by lashbear

Any photos ?

i'm listening. how much are they worth to you?

[Not Afraid]

I love Heidi.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

To join the chorus...

I love Heidi.

[CoasterMatt]

Heidi ROXORS!!!

[Morrigoon]

I <3 Heidi