Vignette attempt.

[Boss Radio]

He is alone, but not necessarily lonely. He is, however, at the happiest place on earth, and he is seeing that happiness primarily as a reflection on the faces of those around him. As he drifts effortlessly through a well-practiced routine (RITUAL) that keeps his character operating at a safe arms-length distance from what he is really feeling as he experiences DL for the umpteenth time, Jason keeps coming back for a reason...

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by Boss Radio

He is alone, but not necessarily lonely. He is, however, at the happiest place on earth, and he is seeing that happiness primarily as a reflection on the faces of those around him. As he drifts effortlessly through a well-practiced routine (RITUAL) that keeps his character operating at a safe arms-length distance from what he is really feeling as he experiences DL for the umpteenth time, Jason keeps coming back for a reason...

Ok, YOU get to write the blurb on the book jacket....or the blurb on the back of the DVD.

I'm going to start work on another one soon. Everyone's feedback is great!

[Ghoulish Delight]

Well, having the benefit of seeing some of your previous attempts at a similar idea, I can comment on your progress. I've pointed out before your tendency to set a scene using static lists of descriptions rather than a "show, don't tell" approach of letting the setting develop through the characters' actions. You haven't divested this entirely of that, but it's much improved, feeling less like a screenplay scene description and more like literature.

As usual, excellent imagery, but something, for me at least, isn't sitting right, stylisticly. I think it's that the piece can't decide whether it's establishing the setting, or establishing the character. Of course, in the long run you'd like to do both, but in a short format like that, I think you almost have to make a decission as to which is the driver and which is the passenger. Either you're setting the scene through the eyes of the character, or you're developing the character within the scene. In an attempt to wedge both into there, I think you did a disservice to either.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Wow, now that's the kind of exact nudging I've been looking for! Thank you!

[Motorboat Cruiser]

I didn't feel sadness from it. Then again, the idea of being at Disneyland alone isn't something that conveys lonliness to me. I've always found a solo trip to be a serene and wonderfully relaxing experience that few people, other than those that have experienced it, seem to understand. If anything, it made me feel that it has been too long since I have been to the park alone. I was able to relate to how Jason felt, from watching people and wondering if this was their first trip, to making sure that he cleaned up after himself out of respect for the park and its guests, to giving an appreciative nod to the apartment window on his way out.

A very enjoyable read, CP. Can't wait to read part 2!

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

Finally responded to this at dti.

One question: Will you ever show these characters in situations outside of the park?

xoxo

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by Eliza Hodgkins 1812

One question: Will you ever show these characters in situations outside of the park?

Answer: Yes. Eventually, who they are and where they come from will be important to the piece(s).

Love you guys!

[€uroMeinke]

I think you need to keep writing and play with the character a bit - see what he wants to do, where he takes you, and who he introduces yourself to. No need to make it part of the story, but he might take you places you hadn't thought of.

[Prudence]

I loved it. My only comment would be that I want more sounds. And I don't know where exactly, or how, because I re-read it and there were sounds described. I guess when I picture Main Street in my mind -- and that in particular of all of the lands -- I don't just see it, I hear it.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I loved it. My only comment would be that I want more sounds. And I don't know where exactly, or how, because I re-read it and there were sounds described. I guess when I picture Main Street in my mind -- and that in particular of all of the lands -- I don't just see it, I hear it.

It's funny you should mention this. My original attempt included this, regarding Main Street: Sweet music saunters through the air, familiar and comforting. I went through many versions of that thought and then decided to sit at Coke Corner with Rod playing....and realized that I didn't want to pick a song, because I wanted the mood to stay quiet and soothing. The bit I did put in about the music was my compromise between my urge to place him as a Rod fan but keep the tone low.

Thanks for the comment!