Boris is [WAS] missing

[Prudence]

But this isn't like him at all. He's afraid of everything.

I was just out, walking around, and it was so still out there. I was calling his name and nothing. I'm so exhausted, but I'm trying to stay up for him. I have meetings tomorrow I have to attend (about my job (dis)satisfaction - I need to be alert), but how can I put myself above him?

Part of me is tempted to just go to sleep, and let him take care of himself. The other part feels I am obligated to keep searching, stay awake, and keep looking for him.

The worst is that when I'm out there in this stillness - I feel like he's gone. I don't sense him out there. I can't explain it. I can't tall you how much I hope I'm wrong, and that I'm just giving myself the creeps because it's dark and quiet and spooky, but I'm so afraid that he's gone. There's been no response to my calls. Nothing. Maybe we should have looked farther yesterday, but I can't see him crossing these streets. But, then again, I couldn't see him taking off like this, either.

I want to hope, but part of me has accepted him being gone. It's coping, I know. I can't stand to be in this limbo and not know.

[Morrigoon]

I seem to recall him being pretty friendly when we were over last, so he might not be quite as "fraidy" any more.

I assume you did this already, but I'm going to bring it up anyway... did you check the garage?

[Prudence]

So, still no Boris. Yes, we checked the garage. And garages around us (as much as we could). I was up most of the night, and walked around and at 11:30, 12:30, 3:00, and 6:30. The neighborhood was deathly still, but there was no response to my calls.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do - how much is enough? I'm not sleeping or eating (which means I'm also off meds) and I'm missing chuncks of work. This isn't good. But, I owe it to Boris to do what I can to find him. At what point does it become a needle in a haystack?

I'm actually looking for feedback. Tonight our plan is to go around at about 8:30-9:30 calling his name - not that he would come out, but if he's nearby, he'll know where we are. Then for me to try to get a little sleep. Then around 1am we would both go out and try to figure out attractive middle-of-night cat routes. Also, we may deploy Sasha on a leash. Ever since the first night out, when she came back, she's been itching to get out, especially around midnight. Since she never used to want to go outside, this is new. I don't now if she just loved outside and wants more, or if she knows where he is, or what. But, if they went out together, there's a remote possibility that she'll want to beeline for his hiding hole.

Then we'll do another morning run. And maybe after that, we'll just spend evenings outside, leave out the food and water and shelter, and have to get on with things. Oh, and Ryan will keep talking to neighbors, searching their yards, and visiting the pound during the day.

As you well know, I have no sense of appropriate scope or scale when my own guilt is involved. I don't know if this is an appropriate plan, or if I should be doing more. I don't know if I've been doing too much.

I don't know what Boris was thinking. If he's off having a splendid adventure, he'll not come back until he's ready. If he's dead, he won't be coming back period and nothing I do can change that. If he's far away, it's needle v. haystack and there aren't enough hours in the day for me to cover that ground. If he's nearby, he's heard us every day calling for him. The Rat pointed out that at some point he has to want to come out. If he doesn't want to come out, there are just too many hiding places around us for me to comprehensively search all of them. Plus, there are people who don't want us on their property, crawling around under their house.

Is that reasonable at this point? Keep letting him know where we are (assuming he's out there), but stop the total life disruption? At what point do we close the door at night and let Sasha have *her* space back?

I keep wondering if he was sicker than he was letting on and went off to die and that's why he won't respond. He didn't seem to have gotten perceptibly worse, but he's been diagnosed with CRF for 5-6 years. Or if he was so scared by something that he RAN and is far away now. Last night - it just felt like he wasn't there. Which was probable just my negativeness and the spooky quiet, but still....

Which isn't to say that I've give up hope. I have NOT given up hope. If I had given up hope I would not be spending most of the night sitting outside and walking around, calling for him. I would not be imagining seeing him in his carrier in the morning, or feeling him jump on the bed when I finally doze off in the morning. But, the longer he's gone, the more I wonder why.

If he's dead, I can deal with that. It's the thought of him suffering that has me inconsolable. I can't bear to be the cause of his suffering. It's more than I can live with.

Anyhow, derranged female needs adivce on appropriate scope and course of action.

[Snowflake]

Pru

Is Boris chipped and have you called the local shelters? I'm not sure what else is around you beside the pound the Rat has been checking.

[blueerica]

I understand what you're saying about scope and course of action. I fell in love with a stray in my apartment complex and was devastated with his passing (what could I have done differently, flogging myself, you-name-it). It's hard to live up to ourselves sometimes, especially when it comes to someone we know and love - humans and animals alike... So, unfortunately I might not be as big a help on scope - but I do know that you shouldn't beat yourself up for it.

It sounds to me like you're doing a lot to find him, and hopefully you'll know more soon.

(((Boris & Pru)))

[blueerica]

Oh, and to appropriate course of action: anything you can think of. I don't think there's a too much when it comes to loved ones.

Bonus - you won't have to be as pissed at yourself, so long as you remind yourself that you can't change the past.

[Alex]

I haven't seen you mention it so want to be sure. Have you gone to the animal shelters and looked (as opposed to calling and asking)? Make sure as well that you're checking all the shelters, when Pixel go away we learned that we were actually within a couple hundred feet of a boundary line between to animal control jurisdictions.

Also, I assume it is common practice everywhere (it was true both places I've been involved in looking for animals) but ask if they have a log of animals killed on the road (up here police and animal control file reports on any pet animals retrieved this way; no pictures, just thorough descriptions). As depressing as that idea is, at least it provides an answer.

Finally, make sure you provide posters to the local pet supply stores and all the vets within several miles. If someone else finds Boris and takes him in they'll eventually be visiting one of those (and if Boris did go wandering could be picked up outside your pamphleting coverage).

You can only do what you can do and can't beat yourself up too much. When Pixel got away she was gone for a week and when found she was less than 50 feet from our front door, showed no interest in coming home, and yet had been completely unseen for that week. So don't give up hope but you have to continue with your day-to-day life, being sad but functional.

[Prudence]

Ryan has gone to the shelter every day and looked. All the local areas seem to drop off at that one shelter (already checked jurisdictional issues), but he was already planning to ask if there was another he should check.

Didn't know about log of animals killed - will investigate that.

Boris is chipped - AVID chip. Don't know whether everyone scans for that kind, though. And he was wearing a collar when he left, but of course might not be now.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Sasha on a leash sounds like a great idea. Has she been on one before? Hopefully she can lead you in the right direction.

Definitely eat and sleep, take your meds, and get back into your normal rhythms. There is no need to neglect yourself. You may feel that you owe him the best possible effort to find him, but you're not going to make the best effort if you're all strung out.

Is that reasonable at this point? Keep letting him know where we are (assuming he's out there), but stop the total life disruption? At what point do we close the door at night and let Sasha have *her* space back?

I'd say this sounds not only reasonable, but the next step.

[Morrigoon]

You're doing all you can, and more than most people would do. You've chipped him, which is probably the #1 thing you could do for him. He's wearing a collar, so it's no secret that he has an owner somewhere who cares about him, and increases the chances that even a casual cat rescuer will have him scanned.

Cats, being contrarians and all, tend to not appreciate coming home and finding the door closed against them. If Boris is the talkative type, this might be all he needs to start complaining loudly, thus announcing his return. (As opposed to taking it for granted that the door will be waiting for him to return at his leisure).

Mind you, I'm not a cat owner. I've lived with one for a while, but only have his behavior to go off of.

I'm more concerned with how your door came to be open in the first place. Is it the kind of knob/handle a cat could conceivably open by jumping at it? Did local kids possibly open it? Is it not shutting right?