Lost

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

The last couple of episodes have been a psychological experiment in dragging out the surrealistic elements of the show by inserting flashback revelations about the characters that are, a. not hugely interesting or particularly revealing because they are predictable and b. irritating because they are obviously stall tactics or blantant attempts at misdirection.

To the writers of LOST, if you metion that friggin' hatch ONE more time without making it the epicenter of action for an entire episode, I'm going to club your baby seal heads in!

At least Walt - maker of polar bears - is scared because he senses something. But were you also generous enough to let us in on a fraction of what he senses? No. You gave me a father and son heart to heart. The show is about true to life human relationships framed within an unreal sci-fi adventure world. Cool. I get it. Now YOU get to the point. I'm beginning to think you are messing with us just because you can. That's God's job. Or David Lynch's. Your job is to make sure the theme park joyride of fun that has been your show actually has a track that comes full circle, bringing me, along with your point, home.

If you're just making this **** up as you go along, I swear, I'm getting out my club.

Please don't get me wrong. I liked tonight's episode. It even manipulated a good cry out of me with the unveling of that child sweethearts' time capsule. Americans love time capsules, and I'm no exception.

But I want some answers. And if you can't give me answers, give me zombies.

"We got it open."

"What is that sound?"

"Oh...oh, my God. What's down there?! What is that horrible sound?"

"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains."

"Is someone down there? Did I just hear someone say "bran". Is there bran down there, because I have to tell you, I've had NO movement since landing on this god forsaken island, and I could really use the fiber."

"Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains."

"I think they're saying "brains".

"It's zombies. There are zombies down there. Jack, get the guns. Everyone else, pick up some sharp edged rocks. The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy their brains. Also, Sawyer, take off your pants. Zombies means horror, and horror means sex happens at inappropriate times. You're hot. So, I repeat: Take. Off. Your. Pants."

"And who the hell are you?"

"Unnamed survivor and first time guest star, Audra Haskell."

"You can't be a survivor. You're not pretty enough. Only pretty people survived the crash, or haven't you been watching the show?"

"Hurley survived. I can survive. We're the homely survivor exceptions! Now get ready, here come the zombies! And, Sawyer, seriously, take them pants of rooster, baby."

LOST