Inspiration?

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

There was a bursting forth of something, too scared was I to give this something a name, but now I have you clean and in my arms, and can see that you are just a babe.

I had walked the room in circles cursing every man I had ever known and I sat back on my haunches moaning my own mother’s name. Amelia, Amelia, Amelia, I prayed and prayed and prayed. At first there was an alien liquid seeped out of me in a sputtering gush like a dropped bucket. I thought it would be more like ringing out the laundry before sticking it up on the line, and so I was scared. Our family was small and secluded, always, and I was the first with child being the only girl. Mother died long ago or else she might have told me.

When the pain began, I was glad to be so alone here in the woods. Here has been my home since I was a girl. I always hated for anyone to hear me scream. There is nothing I hate so much as spectacle.

I walked the room in diagonals next, the circles making me dizzy. I thought about the wrong I had done, and figured my agony was penance owed. I would ask for forgiveness but you cannot be a beggar at death’s door.

Four months with child when the mine collapsed. My dresses had been Mother’s and were too large; they hid you well. My father and brothers were buried without ceremony or witness.

Charles was a lovely boy with money who liked my soft curls and freckles. He kissed my thighs and tickled my feet, and there were many times we met together in secret before you began to grow inside of me. Charles promised love but could not promise a wedding ceremony. My family was buried and I would be alone in this world with you to care for. The sky was black with a new moon the last night I held my Charlie. At my request he laid down on his stomach and I crushed a piece of broken masonry into his skull. Death came upon him in an instant. I could not even hear his final breath.

I am small girl but a strong one. I dragged your father up and over into the well and no one came looking for him. We had been so careful and undiscovered in our love.

You were born with a caul still upon your head. If we lived by the sea, I could have used it to make an amulet to sell to a sailor. Then, perhaps, we would have had food to eat. But we are too far from the sea, William. Too far from anything good. I buried the good luck charm in the wood before we came to meet your father. We want to sink. We want to sink. We want to sink.

I was a child before you were born, William and now I am a woman fully grown, though I am still young. Let the world, and not us, grow old. Soon we will be a family again. You are so good and lovely, and I promise that will never change. We just have to sink. Let us sink. Stop your cries and let us sink. Hush your cries so we can sleep.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Damn, I forgot all about this! And it's Thursday already! Eliza's is absolutely amazing, btw.

Shall we give this topic some more time or do we want a new topic? I'll think on writing something here....

[blueerica]

I actually wrote a couple of things on this topic, but haven't managed to type it up yet.. hehe... I'm not sure if I'm fond of what I've written, either.

So, I could hold onto it, work it into something better and post it as it's own thing, or we can wait, and I can be forced into looking at it again..

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Bored. Bored bored bored.

I stretched my aching arms and massaged my wrists. A look at the clock snapped me to immediacy - 7:22pm. I glanced around the room lit only with monitor light, realizing that the sun had set while I was playing. How long ago? Two minutes, one hour? "Online Gaming: A True Virtual Reality," I said aloud as I flipped on a light switch.

My conscience grumbled as I stepped carefully over clothes and books to reach the doorway. I could hear my own mind making the usual excuses in retort. I had to level today, otherwise I'd never catch up to Jacqueline.

So fine, got that done, as if it were mailing a payment or sweeping the steps. I can cross that off my list. I snickered at the empty condo.

Walking through the hall turning on lights, I headed for the living room. Fell into the couch knowing I didn't want to watch anything. Glanced at the stereo knowing I didn't want to hear anything. I stared at the wall and soaked up the silence.

Now what? Now what? A repetitive, nagging thought.

Now what?

I'd had my sugary snack to tide me until late dinner. I'd done my homework, at least the pre-lunch classes. I'd checked my email and my message boards and instant messenger. I'd said goodnight to my girlfriend.

I stared at the wall in the empty house, waiting. Vision blurred and thought slowed. I felt present elsewhere...my bedroom with the obstacle course floor...the bathroom with its soap residue white on the glass door...the cold kitchen, barely used.

I'd always felt independent on Mom's late nights. I did my own thing. I'd felt grown up and mature. I could game or chat or watch whatever I wanted on TV. Sometimes I'd make some mac 'n cheese just to prove I could. Being 16 wasn't a bad set-up with my Mom. She trusted me, and I didn't mind acting Man of the House at all.

But tonight...tonight was dark. When the hell did the sun set, anyway? It seemed extra dark. I thought of getting back on the computer and connecting with someone, anyone...but I didn't move.

I stared at the wall and heard my own breathing.

Where was she? Where was my mother? Why was I alone? So many nights of late dinners and rushed good nights. So few moments of genuine smiles and heartfelt exchanges. Why was I alone?

It wasn't late. She was on her way. There was no reason to worry. But awareness flooded in with images of carjackers and drunk drivers and brake failure. Images of working at a register and coming home to my own empty condo. Images of being responsible for sending the checks on time and getting the kids to school. Images of reaping frustration from crops sown in haste. Of never seeing London and being lucky if you see the beach. Of dodging disaster and planning ahead and dealing with assholes and choking down unfairness.

Then, the roaring in my head ceased.

Now what?

I rose. I stepped into the kitchen. I put away clean dishes and washed dirty ones. I heated cans of soup and made turkey sandwiches with as many fixings as we had. I worked quickly and carefully.

I heard the key in the lock.

I thought of Mom eating a halfway decent meal after a hard day's work. I thought of smiling and laughing with her as she ate. I thought of giving her a hug.

I thought of connecting with a fellow human in this harsh world and being of comfort.

At that moment, I realized I was a grown-up.

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

CP, you rock my friggin' socks. This was really, really well written. I enjoyed every sentence. It's a really honest piece of writing.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

[Monorail Man]

The time had come, the doors opened at nine
I came in at eight, it didn't feel quite right
I was 14 and felt too young at the time
The day went fast, it was allready night

There went 3 years behind a desk
A time that was of fun, was now of anger, of discust
I figured it was time to give it a rest
I put in the letter, it was was a must
The job had ended,
The first chapter was written,
And at that cusp
I realized I was a grown-up!

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Alrighty. Nice one, MM.

We're all thinking at least a bit about the Schiavo case, and hence, our own mortality.

I figure a topic of Death is just a bit too broad. How about this instead?

Will and Testament

[AllyOops!]

When you left me, I lost my Will to live. To love.
With no good-bye you were taken, and on our very last kiss, your tender, warm lips were replaced by the heat of a sun-baked bronze coffin.
I took a single rasberry coloured rose and I walked away.

I still stay up at night, did you know that?
I still keep hoping you'll knock on my door.
You'll tell me it was all an awful dream.

I still cry over you, can you hear me?
They tell me I have to move forward, but they never tell me how.
Please God, just one more moment to see your face one last time.

I still need you, can you feel me?
I caress your cheek, your face etched on your tombstone
The granite is cold just like my heart when I lose myself in grief.

I want to tell you that I found somebody special. I love him with my entire being and he makes me so very happy and alive. He awakened me. I think you'd really like him. Did you help bring him to me? Your last words were that you wanted me to be happy. I know that we were once supposed to last forever. Remember the picture that I drew of us? Me in the wedding gown? Pink, of course. We hung it on the refrigerator. You used to love my drawings.

I never dreamt that the day we would be in Church together, at the altar, it would be me standing side by side with your casket.

Please help me to let go. Please help me to move forward. If my tears were born of clouds I would flood the world ten times over.

But that's a Testament to how much I love you. To how remarkable you are. Unlike our bodies, our love will never die.

I miss you.

[Hades]

Whoa! That was deep and so very meaningful. I know about the background from which you wrote this, but it could touch anyone's heart even if they didn't know about your past loss. Got me teary eyed.