The Eyes of Mara

[Gemini Cricket]

Last night was pretty amazing. Ralphie and I went to see a talk given by Mara Keisling at Harvard University. She was annouced as person of the year by Harvard’s Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Supporters Alliance last night.

Mara Keisling is the Executive Director of the National Center of Transgender Equality in DC.
This is from their site:
The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people.

By empowering transgender people and our allies to educate and influence policymakers and others, NCTE facilitates a strong and clear voice for transgender equality in our nation's capital and around the country.

I have seen a ton of good and bad speakers, but what struck me about Ms. Keisling's speech was that she had a great presence. I'm not sure how to explain it. Some people have it, some people don't. Some people walk into a room before a speech and they have this aura about them. Anyway, whatever she had, it was something that I hope to get. She introduced herself personally to everyone in the crowd. And there were about 50 or so people in the room. I thought that was pretty cool.

Her speech regarding the state of GLBT rights in our country was surprisingly optimistic. I tend to be a glass half empty kind of guy and was empowered by her positive outlook on how our civil rights in this country was improving, albeit too slow for many people's tastes.

One huge aspect of her speech (that I hadn't thought of but completely agreed with) was that the GLBT community needs to embrace the grey areas of patriotism and faith in our country. She said that often outspoken leaders of gay activism do not acknowledge the patriotic and/or church going members of their own community. I agree. She also said that the people who are fighting for GLBT rights and marriage equality should also speak out against racism. Saying that it's okay to joke about black people means that it's also okay to joke about a tranny. I totally agree.

Afterwards, we got to go to the Harvard Faculty Club for dessert and coffee/tea. It's a really cool club in a fancy old mansion on campus. A bit to highbrow for my tastes, but it was neat to see the overstuffed chairs and professors walking around. ;)

During that time, I got to speak to Ms. Keisling personally. I spoke to her of my fading optimism with gay rights efforts in this country and she countered it by saying that everyone involved in our fight is important. The biggest challenge is that all of the anti-gay groups have five times as much money as an organization like HRC does. But she also said that money doesn't always equal victories. She told me to keep up the letter writing and calls to my polticians but not to forget about doing the things that keeps my creative heart strong.

It was the right interaction at the right time for me.

Best of all, Keisling has a way of giving you this eye contact that tells you a few things:

1. She's listening.
2. She's not full of sh!t.
3. She doesn't take sh!t.
4. She has a big heart.

I think that's pretty amazing.

She's definitely one of my heroes right now.

The funniest part about last night was that Ralphie and I got our picture taken for the Harvard Crimson newspaper standing with Ms. Keisling.

It's here (http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=513432). The backs of our heads are featured. I was thinking, 'God, I have a huuuge head!' :D

[SzczerbiakManiac]

Saying that it's okay to joke about black people means that it's also okay to joke about a tranny.Yes! It is okay to joke about Blacks. It is okay to joke about lesbians. It is okay to joke about the handicapped. It is okay to joke about Muslims. Once we lose our sense of humor and/or the ability to laugh at ourselves, our society is truly doomed!

I've seen way too many "activists" who are so dour and morose, I think they are having a negative impact on their cause because they can't get over themselves and unclench their sphincters. :rolleyes:

[Gemini Cricket]

I've seen way too many "activists" who are so dour and morose, I think they are having a negative impact on their cause because they can't get over themselves and unclench their sphincters. :rolleyes:
I agree. Ralphie dragged me to this lecture initially. I was tired of being beaten over the head by 'You gotta do this...' and 'You can't do that...' Too preachy... bleh. But...

The thing is is that she did have a sense of humor. But her humor wasn't based on the idea that someone needed to be the butt of a joke because of their race, sexual orientation, etc. Her presentation was funny.

But you're right, I think there are political correctness that goes too far, but there are also some PC standards that need to be adhered to also. I mean, it is PC not to say ni**er any more... and that's a good thing.

[alphabassettgrrl]

I see it as the difference between sensitivity and PC. Sensitive is good, PC is too much. Sensitive is not making the black guy the butt of the joke; PC is refusing to acknowledge that he is in fact black.

Glad to hear you enjoyed the lecture.

[Gemini Cricket]

'Sensitive' is a good word for it. :)

[blueerica]

I think there's a difference in having fun and making someone a butt of a joke.

Case in point: There's this new girl at my store, Stacey. She was kind of shy at first, but she tells me she has the same polo shirt I was wearing. I jump straight into teenager mode, jump up and down and say: "OH MY GAWD! We totally have to wear it on the same day! We'll be like TWINS!! They'll never be able to tell us apart!"

She paused. I don't think she knew what to say - she's black - and when I say black, I don't mean caramel. We're talking dark like the coffee I brew. Obviously, not a lot of people "go there" with her, out of sensitivity, out of fear, or maybe even some sense of shame (which is wrong, too!) passed down. After a moment, she laughed, and I got to know a whole different Stacey.

She's not the butt of the joke here - maybe in a sense, I was. I put myself there, after all.

I was told by a co-worker that she hated when she was called "my black friend" and I would also assume that applies to anyone in any "different" type of community. Ideally, someone's my friend - minus the prefix.

[Not Afraid]

I was told by a co-worker that she hated when she was called "my black friend" and I would also assume that applies to anyone in any "different" type of community. Ideally, someone's my friend - minus the prefix.
Is it because she doesn't like the term "black" and would prefer African American or is it that she doesn't like to be singled out by her defining features.

[blueerica]

She didn't mind the term or the use of the word black. It' that she's a black friend, as though to separate, or to give the speaker of the phrase some sort of moral highground because they have a "black friend."

[blueerica]

I should mention that I didn't say it... but that a patient had said it.

[Not Afraid]

Gotcha.

[Gemini Cricket]

Is it because she doesn't like the term "black" and would prefer African American or is it that she doesn't like to be singled out by her defining features.
Something I learned recently, and it makes perfect sense in hindsight, is that the use of African American doesn't necessarily pertain to everyone who is black in skin color. (I'm not calling NA on anything, her post just made me think of something and the PC subject was out there so...) I met a gentleman who is Jamaican. He doesn't consider the label of 'African American' to include him. His bloodline/ancestry is not from Africa... Dave Matthews also identified himself as being African American on an interview I saw long ago (he's from South Africa). In fact, another article I read called Stefan Lessard the only non-African America member of The Dave Matthews Band.
Just my 2 cents...
:)

[Not Afraid]

I was thinking along the lines of the practice of using distinguising features to describe a person (excitable middle age woman with a tangle of red hair ;)). Which, I think is fine if you are trying to pull up a mental picture of a person. My Mother (bless her racist soul) used to always include people's races in her description of them but ONLY if the person was "non-white". (She was often wrong , as in calling my Castilllian Spanish SIL Mexican).

I went to Disneyland with my Gay friend Brad and my Mexican friend Pedro........that's not really necessary.

[SzczerbiakManiac]

My grandmother was the same way. Any non-white race had to be included in her descriptions of people. But what made the rest of my family laugh was that she'd always whisper the the race. E.g., "Yes, my neighbor Ron he's black was telling me the other day..."
:rolleyes:

[Gemini Cricket]

My grandmother was the same way. Any non-white race had to be included in her descriptions of people. But what made the rest of my family laugh was that she'd always whisper the the race. E.g., "Yes, my neighbor Ron he's black was telling me the other day..."
:rolleyes:
My grandmother did the same. I always knew the race of the person she was talking about. Sometimes, I knew their religion. :D

When I describe people, I try really hard not to bring race into it. But when you're trying to describe the only Chinese guy in the building, saying 'You know, the guy with the black hair...' doesn't work as well...
Then again, saying 'The Chinese guy' often doesn't help either. Some people can't tell Japanese and Chinese apart. Oy.

[Prudence]

It's annoying, though, when distinguishing features become unmentionable. If I'm trying to spot someone I've never met in a crowd, it would sure help to know what color their skin is, as well as how long their hair is and what style, and about how tall, and about what build, etc...

[katiesue]

My mother keeps refering to "the little colored boy" in her class, she's a teacher. It makes me cringe every time she does it. And normally when she's telling me something he did, the description isn't necessary. He was being disruptive or said something funny, what race he's from doesn't really seem to be a necessary part of the story.

I do agree with GC and Prudence though, when describing someone it's difficult to do without mentioning skin color etc. Unfortunately here it's assumed the person you're describing is white, unless otherwise stated.

[Ghoulish Delight]

There's nothing wrong with describing someone by they physical appearance...if it's a relevant distinguishing feature for the topic at hand. In a list of people who are your friends, it hardly matters. But, as Prudence points out, if you're meeting someone at the airport, you need to have an accurate physical description.

[Not Afraid]

"little colored boy" My mom used that a lot. I used to laugh and say, I know I'm pale but I'm not transparent! Or, I'd ask "What color is he? Purple's my favorite". I don't think she got it though.

[blueerica]

There also is that dimension of transparency, when it comes to these issues. Where is one argument, or position, or angle more important than another. In keeping with this - color of skin is valuable for describing someone I'm trying to find, but not IMO, something that makes a sound argument when talking about a charged issue of any point. It's not a point of gossip, and is not the all-encompassing factor in who someone is ______.

Which is the more "important" argument... Black vs. White? Gender Rights? Brown vs. Black? Gay/Lesbian vs. Straight? At what point is an argument invisible, or pale in comparison to another. I think the message Mara Keisling is promoting is one of not making these other issues pale in comparison to your own issue, that they all have their place.

But by this token, sure, "race" as it were is a way to physically describe someone - but how about describing how someone is on an emotional level? I think that's where the true wrong is. And what of someone in a minority that's not easily detected such as someone that's gay, lesbian, bi - someone with an unusual disorder, or someone with a psychological imbalance - some factor that cannot be truly seen from the outside? Do I say, "You know, my gay friend GC..." What purpose does that serve? Yet I hear statements like that, or qualifiers like "He/She's <insert feature here>, you know..."

I think that's where the grind is.

[Gemini Cricket]

Which is the more "important" argument... Black vs. White? Gender Rights? Brown vs. Black? Gay/Lesbian vs. Straight? At what point is an argument invisible, or pale in comparison to another. I think the message Mara Keisling is promoting is one of not making these other issues pale in comparison to your own issue, that they all have their place.
I think that was totally her point. I wish you could have been there. Her talk was so empowering.
:)

I think labels make things easy for some people. My grandfather talked like that all the time, 'That fairy at the front desk is stealing from me. The n-word next door snores too loud. The chink shortchanged me at the liquor store.' And I was thinking how black and white that made everything for him. It was easy to put a brown paper wrapping around everyone and placing a huge tag on the front. No need to investigate what's inside. Just trust the tag and go on to the next package...

[Prudence]

I think that depends on context too. I mean, it doesn't really help me pick out GC at an airport if you tell me he's gay. It's irrelevant. It's like when someone's describing rude behavior they witnessed and they say "and then this (fat/skinny/flashy/poorly-dressed/white-shoe-after-labor-day-wearing/backwards baseball cap/sorwhore/D&D geek) person gave me the finger!" When the descriptor really is code for something the speaker considers unsuitable, it's an attempt to whitewash an otherwise offensive sentiment of "because you know all X people are Y."

I suppose sometimes I rationalize. I mean, I don't say "so yesterday I was talking to my friend - her dad's Egyptian, you know - and blah blah blah." But I have been known to say (in certain company, like when describing my friends to my mom) that "sometimes she feels like the world's against her because her dad's Egyptian and doesn't think she should be in school" instead of just "because her dad doesn't think she should be in school." I rationalize that I'm trying to convey that there's a cultural component to the disapproval rather than just some blanket misogyny, but I'm probably fooling myself.

[blueerica]

Actually in that context, I see exactly what you're trying to say.. I guess it's why this PC business is bullsh*t if we can't even admit the implications of what it is to come from a place. I can't imagine what it must be like to come from the islamic/muslim heritage, but I know what's inferred by what you're saying.

I think these types of conversations are difficult to have in a textual environment as this. I think what we're debating is something that's held in an inflection, a tone, histories beyond ourselves, a setting that's far too large for us to discuss, even here.

I think the majority of us are saying and feeling the same thing, though it may not come across in this written environment.

[SzczerbiakManiac]

it doesn't really help me pick out GC at an airport if you tell me he's gay.Well, it might if he was really, really gay! ;)

I suppose sometimes I rationalize. I mean, I don't say "so yesterday I was talking to my friend - her dad's Egyptian, you know - and blah blah blah." But I have been known to say (in certain company, like when describing my friends to my mom) that "sometimes she feels like the world's against her because her dad's Egyptian and doesn't think she should be in school" instead of just "because her dad doesn't think she should be in school." I rationalize that I'm trying to convey that there's a cultural component to the disapproval rather than just some blanket misogyny, but I'm probably fooling myself.I don't know that that's the case. Frankly, that sounds like it's a perfectly relevent reference to his racial/ethnic/religious status.

[Prudence]

Well, it might if he was really, really gay! ;)

Well, it might depend on the airport....


I don't know that that's the case. Frankly, that sounds like it's a perfectly relevent reference to his racial/ethnic/religious status.

Actually, I find it very interesting because her dad's actually Coptic Christian, but still holds views about women that we associate with Islam and not Christianity. I never really considered that there might be a cultural element to those sorts of beliefs that goes beyond religious affiliation. Of course now it seems perfectly logical. I'm fascinated by it and want to tell everyone, whether it's relevant or not.

[Not Afraid]

There are times when physical characteristics or cultural heritage IS important to what you are trying to say. But, to use the example used for me in LA Mag, which of those terms really told you something about me and my geekdom? Granted, he was just trying to make his story more interesting by painting a picture, but is that so different from what we do when talking about another person?