Your first boyfriend or girlfriend

[Betty]

My freshman, 13 year old daughter who will be 14 in about a month, confided that she has a boyfriend. He is a sophmore, goes to a different school, and is the best friend of her best friend. It was a good time to talk about lots of things - like not having sex, birth control, and just how cute he is. ;)

I'm not sure how I feel about all this. My husband is totally against it - but probably would be against her having a boyfriend ever.

They met at her school - where he comes to visit now and then with his friend... He likes school, gets good grades - but I've yet to meet him or talk to him.

He asked Amy to speak to his dad to meet him - and has requested that he speak by phone to Amy's dad. That impressed me somewhat - what teenage kid requests to speak to his girlfriend's father? (none of mind ever did...)

My husband does NOT want to talk to him. The subject of a boyfriend can't be brought up without major grumpiness or more.

Anyway, while I ponder this new revelation, I look to you guys for your group wisdom.

When did you have your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you tell your parents about him/her?

What do you think of a 13 (14) year old having a boyfriend or girlfriend?

My thoughts are - I'm glad she told me about him. I figure it's better not to outlaw it as she might still have him as a boyfriend yet I won't hear about it and be able to talk to her about it.


I had my first kiss at 16 - my first boyfriend around that same time - and also lost my virginity that same year. I would have loved to have a boyfriend earlier as many of my friends did - but I was fairly shy and especially so when it came to boys.

Please share your experiences of both yourself and if you have kids, how you feel about their dating (or future dating). :coffee:

[scaeagles]

I was 13 when I had my first girlfriend.

I don't think you can set an age on it - has to do with the maturity of the kid. I do, however, think that there is so much more sex in the media that the age seems to keep getting pushed earlier and earlier. As an example, I'm watching football with my 9 years old son yesterday, and a commerical comes on for the movie about two friends that makes a porno. My son says "What's a porno?". Like I want to explain to my 9 year old son what a porno is? But I suppose the inappropriateness of commercials during family viewing time is another issue....just making a point about how times certainly are changing.

My daughter is almost 15 and while she's had her crushes, she has no interest nor time to have a boyfriend. I've actually had to give her lessons in letting guys down easily. Three of four times she's told her mom that some guy has come up to her and said "I like you. Do you like me?" and she hasn't been very....uh, kind? Tactful?....in her response.

I am counting my blessings that this has not been an issue or point if interest in her life. she also has the advantage of a best friend that just got hurt by a guy two years older, and that has opened her eyes quite a bit to the emotional consequences often assocated with early teen relationships.

[BDBopper]

I was 14 and a half when I had my first and only girlfriend. Her name was Misty. We would kiss but that is only as far as we went because we both knew that anything more was inappropriate.

I am a very romantic person. I spoiled Misty a lot. Not a lot of money was spent. Rather I spoiled her in small ways. For example one Valentine's Day I gave her a box of mix tapes that I had spent months recording for her.

After almost three years she decided that she wanted to see someone else. She called me the day before Final Exams in 1999. I was crushed but I wanted her to be happy so I let her go. In the end our personalities didn't match too well. I was and am still sensitive (in a way she considered too much so).

I learned a valuable lesson, a lesson I hope you can pass on to your kids (to everyone) A successful relationship is give-take. I spent all of the time giving and very little time taking because with her personality she did not and could not return my tokens of love (if that makes any sense).

It's been almost ten years now without being in a romantic relationship. After the break up I did eventually start looking again but my heart was still hurt. I found some nice girls but looked closely and (maybe wrongly) assumed they were already taken and never stepped forward. I didn't want what happened to me happen to anyone else on my account. I knew how terrible it felt to have my heart broken. Maybe you see that as a sign of weakness but I have my standards and principles and I try to stand by them.

Betty, I hope and pray that your daughter doesn't have to go through what I have been through. to say I am lonely is a complete understatement. I was too young to be dating and I let the relationship go on too long. Now look at me. :( ( where is a crying cheese when you want to use one?)

[flippyshark]

I had my first "make out" session with a girl friend when I was twelve. (It was a ridiculous and giggly event). I didn't cross home plate until I was 16.

I don't have kids, but I admit, if I were a dad and had daughters, I would be more than grumpy about my thirteen year old having a serious boyfriend. (If it IS serious, which I consider red-flagged by the boy's eagerness to talk to her Dad about it. That sounds like me when I was a sophomore. I was VERY serious about my high school romances, hence, I know that this can be a very bad thing!)

Wow, I am glad I don't have teenagers.

[3894]

Betty, this is your husband's child, too. If he feels something strongly, that should be respected. I'm just basing this on what you said in your post since we don't know each other.

Every house has its own rules. Our two daughters had to put up with No Dating until You're 16. From 14 to 16, they could go out in mixed groups.

Period. No exceptions. Childhood is short enough.

[BarTopDancer]

I was in 7th grade when I had my first "boyfriend". At that age we weren't allowed to be alone (without other people around) so my dad would take me to the parks and rec center and he would meet me there. In the end that was a bad idea, because we'd go make out in the field.

I think there is a difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend at 16 and 13/14 and that difference is the amount of alone time they have, or time they even see each other.

[Morrigoon]

I supposedly had a "boyfriend" when I was 13 or 14. Didn't amount to much although he made me a mix tape and suffered through my dance recital. I know we didn't kiss, because I was 18 and in jr. college when I got my first real boyfriend kiss from my first "real" boyfriend.

But yeah, "dating" at 13 can be pretty innocent, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It depends on how committed your daughter is to not "giving in" before her time.

[wendybeth]

I was 21 and was an innocent angel until then. I married him, and he is the daddy to ToriBear, my 13 year old girl who posts here and who I hope reads this and actually believes it. ;):D

[Strangler Lewis]

How do they meet at school if he goes to a different school? Maybe he's a sophomore at a JC and goes to night school.

I disagree with Scaeagles somewhat in that I think the need for a boyfriend or girlfriend is in inverse proportion to the maturity of the kid. Around here, we seem to have the junior high kids with lots of activities who do not appear to have boyfriends/girlfriends and the ones who hang out in the minimall with nothing to do except socialize, yak on cell phones and pour soda on the girls or scream invitingly for said pouring.

I'm a few years away from having to deal with this, but I'd probably tend towards 3894's rule.

[Betty]

Betty, this is your husband's child, too. If he feels something strongly, that should be respected. I'm just basing this on what you said in your post since we don't know each other.

Every house has its own rules. Our two daughters had to put up with No Dating until You're 16. From 14 to 16, they could go out in mixed groups.

Period. No exceptions. Childhood is short enough.

I tend to agree with this overall. I think it's a good guideline. Going out in groups - and with parental supervision on top of that depending on the circumstances.

I'm curious though - does your "no dating" rule mean no boyfriend - or was a boyfriend fine but they just couldn't be alone together.

Also - if they went out as a mixed group, how could you be sure they weren't just saying that upfront and then not getting some alone time in?

[Betty]

How do they meet at school if he goes to a different school? Maybe he's a sophomore at a JC and goes to night school.

I disagree with Scaeagles somewhat in that I think the need for a boyfriend or girlfriend is in inverse proportion to the maturity of the kid. Around here, we seem to have the junior high kids with lots of activities who do not appear to have boyfriends/girlfriends and the ones who hang out in the minimall with nothing to do except socialize, yak on cell phones and pour soda on the girls or scream invitingly for said pouring.

I'm a few years away from having to deal with this, but I'd probably tend towards 3894's rule.

School starts earlier for them so they are let out earlier. I think it's done to accomdate bussing schedules as none of the schools in corona have the same start times. My son, in 5th grade, has school start at 9:05 for example. Amy's school starts at 7:30.

We are encouraging her to participate in any and all school activities as she would like - sports in particular. That way she can have the supervision and activities and fill up some of that time.

[Betty]

I supposedly had a "boyfriend" when I was 13 or 14. Didn't amount to much although he made me a mix tape and suffered through my dance recital. I know we didn't kiss, because I was 18 and in jr. college when I got my first real boyfriend kiss from my first "real" boyfriend.

But yeah, "dating" at 13 can be pretty innocent, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It depends on how committed your daughter is to not "giving in" before her time.

Certainly reading the Twilight books gave her an example to wait when other girls she knows (that are not her friend) have already had abortions. (or at least they claim that - who can tell for sure.) We talked about birth control a few times and I tend to get this "it doesn't really apply to me" attitude because I'm waiting until I get married. I know that can all change though so I'm telling her all about it anyway. If anything, it makes it easier to talk about the more I do it.

Loving the comments and advice though. I need to hear other experiences besides my husbands and my own.

And again, I'm really liking the group outings thing until she's 16. Good advice.

[LSPoorEeyorick]

I was, as in 3894's household, not allowed to date until my sixteenth birthday. Since it was somewhat a rite of passage in my family, I think I would've been sad if I spent that birthday with my parents. Fortunately for me, my first romance blossomed slightly before my birthday (and I dated him for two and a half years, treating it very seriously.) Looking back at it now, I definitely wish I hadn't been so serious about it. I liked having a boyfriend throughout high school and I really liked him at the time, but I definitely was crushed at the end (a week before I was to join him at his college.) And instead of knowing how to bounce back and forth and date informally, I became a bit destructive with my dating habits.

My mom wanted to be very open about sexuality with me (all the while preaching abstinence) so she was waiting for me at home and wanted to talk about every date.

[Not Afraid]

My first date was with a guy I didn't like, but he called my Mom to ask me out (my excuse to him had been that I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16). I ended up going to a Peter Frampton concert at the Big A with row Z seats. It was not a very fun experience and I never went out with him again - Mom be damned.

[alphabassettgrrl]

My first boyfriend was a couple months before my 16th birthday. He broke it off just before my b-day. Whatever. My first serious boyfriend was the next summer; lasted a couple years.

Not really sure who to count as first girlfriend. Haven't really had that level of officialness with any of them yet.

[Isaac]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v686/zapppop/July62003.jpg

[ToriBear]

I was 21 and was an innocent angel until then. I married him, and he is the daddy to ToriBear, my 13 year old girl who posts here and who I hope reads this and actually believes it. ;):D

Mmmmhmmmm, rriigghhttt. Like you were an innocent angel. (Rolls eyes)
Coming from the woman who had a new boyfriend every week when she was younger.
I have yet to have a boyfriend due to the fact that mom keeps scaring them off;) Jk.

[3894]

I'm curious though - does your "no dating" rule mean no boyfriend - or was a boyfriend fine but they just couldn't be alone together.

No exclusive relationships, even if going together in a group setting, is probably the best way to put it. We also were really happy to drive the group of kids to the movies or the skating rink or whatever they were going to do.

Also - if they went out as a mixed group, how could you be sure they weren't just saying that upfront and then not getting some alone time in?

You can't be sure. We did pay attention to who our daughters were IMing with or talking on the phone with. We also reinforced how this was the time to meet many kids.

The #1 thing with teens is to give them your time. Let them know you are keeping tabs on them - not spying or prying but keeping tabs. Teens want you less than younger children but they need you even more.

Good luck on your decisions, all parents of teens out there!

[wendybeth]

Mmmmhmmmm, rriigghhttt. Like you were an innocent angel. (Rolls eyes)
Coming from the woman who had a new boyfriend every week when she was younger.
I have yet to have a boyfriend due to the fact that mom keeps scaring them off;) Jk.

I don't scare off potential boyfriends- that's your Dad's job.:D

[scaeagles]

It's not just a job.....It is the highest calling of ALL dads.

[flippyshark]

I'll never forget the Dad who met me at the door carrying his Army rifle the first time I came to pick up his daughter. He was a man of few words, but a very effective communicator.

[lashbear]

I couldn't say for sure who my first BF was... It's hard to remember back to the Ice Age....

Actually, I think it was me.

[innerSpaceman]

I had my first girlfriend when I was thirteen, and we started having sex at that age. Yep, folks, kids start getting horny when puberty hits ... and we found nothing naturally objectionable about acting on that.


My mom felt differently, I think. At least when she caught us in the act in my bedroom, she "forbid" us to have sex in the house after that. (So we usually had our trysts in my attic).


Nature cannot be stopped. If your kid has the hots for a girl or guy, the best you can do is educate them and support their decision. There's no way to "stop" them from behaviour that Mother Nature condones.




Oh, and though I started sleeping with guys when I was 16, I didn't have my first real boyfriend till I was 41! (see the above photo posted by Isaac (fka zapppop) of us in our hotel suite in Paris, about a year after we started dating.)


I'd sure like to find my first girlfriend again and learn what she's been up to. I was so in love with her.


Oh, and I still love isaac ... and just about everyone else I've ever had a serious romantic relationship with.



Love is grand. Sex is awesome. Don't try to stand in the way.

[mousepod]

I think I had my first "serious" girlfriend when I was 13, but in retrospect everything was serious and... nothing sexual happened that you wouldn't see in a PG movie (not even PG-13). We did have a heavy make-out session at a movie theater during Star Trek:The Motion Picture ... it really helped the movie.

My parents' attitude was to be supportive, and to make sure that any of their children's relationships would be built on respect. That, I think, was a very good lesson.

I also remember them buying us a copy of this book: http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/ciu/82/3c/f999b2c008a0e9a8481b2010._AA240_.L.jpg
I haven't read it since the late '70s, so I don't know how it would play now, but it was a great resource for me during my adolescence.

[flippyshark]

I remember that book from my local library when I was but a curious little lad. Ah, those were good times.

[innerSpaceman]

I never had that book in the 70's ... but if the cover is any indication, we did follow its advice by having sex on the beach a lot! ;)

[LashStoat]

...I had my first kiss at 16 - my first boyfriend around that same time - and also lost my virginity that same year.

Hey everyone - rally around. We need to find Betty's virginity. It'll be kinda like "Finding Nemo", without the dentist's chair...

I'll look behind the sofa. ;)

[BarTopDancer]

Sand is not a lubricant!

[Morrigoon]

Tori: trust me, there's nothing wrong with holding off for a few years. Boys are a distraction from your other intellectual/artistic pursuits, which help round you out as a person. Nothing wrong with a little flirting, but just blame the folks when a guy wants to go beyond that. Be who you are before you start worrying about who they want you to be.

[Isaac]

Sand is not a lubricant!
Sandy Pelican !

[Betty]

And just like that, the boyfriend is gone. He wanted a girlfriend he could actually go out with on dates. And since that isn't happening right now - ta-da. No more boyfriend. Imagine that.

What's cool though - is she can still bask in the all the compliments - the text messages telling her how beautiful she is. (just isn't the same coming from me.) And she didn't "feel" much for him anyway - so she didn't seem upset about it at all.

[Strangler Lewis]

And just like that, the boyfriend is gone. He wanted a girlfriend he could actually go out with on dates. And since that isn't happening right now - ta-da. No more boyfriend. Imagine that.

What's cool though - is she can still bask in the all the compliments - the text messages telling her how beautiful she is. (just isn't the same coming from me.) And she didn't "feel" much for him anyway - so she didn't seem upset about it at all.

Occasionally I yearn for my lost teen years but the idea of having to 1) text everybody in the first place and, in particular, 2) text my girlfriend with compliments when she wasn't around makes me long for the peace and comfort of the grave.

[CoasterMatt]

Women just started throwing themselves at me when I got to be about 13 or so.

[Morrigoon]

Women just started throwing things at me when I got to be about 13 or so.

(deliberate misquote)

[CoasterMatt]

That started a few months later :)

[Morrigoon]

well played. *High5*

[lizziebith]

I was 13 and he was 19 and when he found out...I heard some of my first real curse-words..."DAMN!" was the nicest.:cool:

[Cadaverous Pallor]

I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend, but it was totally innocent - holding hands at school. "Dates" were "hanging out at the mall after school." We traded pecks on lips but no frenching. After a few weeks he wanted me to sit on his lap at the arcade and it totally freaked me out....so we broke up. I wasn't ready for anything then, still just a child really.

A year later we tried again and this time I got my first real kiss...but it was a total disappointment. It was a lesson in sexual attraction, in that I had none towards this very nice doting guy (who wanted to get in my pants, duh, he's a guy). When I told him outright that I wasn't going to go any further than kissing, he totally dumped me. I can't say I was devastated, as I only felt a friendly attachment when it came down to it, and understood that this wasn't the kind of relationship he wanted.

Kids move at their own speed, and while plenty of kids that I knew were saying they were going on group dates when instead they were having sex in parked cars, there were kids like me around too. Total prudes. ;) And my parents were not prudes, they told me many stories of historical debauchery, never said "you can't date", but the fact that this guy wasn't Jewish meant I wasn't very forthcoming with the fact I was going with him. It did come out though and my parents treated it simply, knowing it was just a simple high school thing.

[innerSpaceman]

I would not have dumped my girlfriend if she wanted to go no further than kissing at 13. We were in love, regardless. But I sure am glad she wanted to fvck just as much as I did. :D