Your first boyfriend or girlfriend

Betty · 10-13-2008, 07:22 AM

My freshman, 13 year old daughter who will be 14 in about a month, confided that she has a boyfriend. He is a sophmore, goes to a different school, and is the best friend of her best friend. It was a good time to talk about lots of things - like not having sex, birth control, and just how cute he is.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this. My husband is totally against it - but probably would be against her having a boyfriend ever.

They met at her school - where he comes to visit now and then with his friend... He likes school, gets good grades - but I've yet to meet him or talk to him.

He asked Amy to speak to his dad to meet him - and has requested that he speak by phone to Amy's dad. That impressed me somewhat - what teenage kid requests to speak to his girlfriend's father? (none of mind ever did...)

My husband does NOT want to talk to him. The subject of a boyfriend can't be brought up without major grumpiness or more.

Anyway, while I ponder this new revelation, I look to you guys for your group wisdom.

When did you have your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you tell your parents about him/her?

What do you think of a 13 (14) year old having a boyfriend or girlfriend?

My thoughts are - I'm glad she told me about him. I figure it's better not to outlaw it as she might still have him as a boyfriend yet I won't hear about it and be able to talk to her about it.

I had my first kiss at 16 - my first boyfriend around that same time - and also lost my virginity that same year. I would have loved to have a boyfriend earlier as many of my friends did - but I was fairly shy and especially so when it came to boys.

Please share your experiences of both yourself and if you have kids, how you feel about their dating (or future dating).

scaeagles · 10-13-2008, 07:31 AM

I was 13 when I had my first girlfriend.

I don't think you can set an age on it - has to do with the maturity of the kid. I do, however, think that there is so much more sex in the media that the age seems to keep getting pushed earlier and earlier. As an example, I'm watching football with my 9 years old son yesterday, and a commerical comes on for the movie about two friends that makes a porno. My son says "What's a porno?". Like I want to explain to my 9 year old son what a porno is? But I suppose the inappropriateness of commercials during family viewing time is another issue....just making a point about how times certainly are changing.

My daughter is almost 15 and while she's had her crushes, she has no interest nor time to have a boyfriend. I've actually had to give her lessons in letting guys down easily. Three of four times she's told her mom that some guy has come up to her and said "I like you. Do you like me?" and she hasn't been very....uh, kind? Tactful?....in her response.

I am counting my blessings that this has not been an issue or point if interest in her life. she also has the advantage of a best friend that just got hurt by a guy two years older, and that has opened her eyes quite a bit to the emotional consequences often assocated with early teen relationships.

BDBopper · 10-13-2008, 08:11 AM

I was 14 and a half when I had my first and only girlfriend. Her name was Misty. We would kiss but that is only as far as we went because we both knew that anything more was inappropriate.

I am a very romantic person. I spoiled Misty a lot. Not a lot of money was spent. Rather I spoiled her in small ways. For example one Valentine's Day I gave her a box of mix tapes that I had spent months recording for her.

After almost three years she decided that she wanted to see someone else. She called me the day before Final Exams in 1999. I was crushed but I wanted her to be happy so I let her go. In the end our personalities didn't match too well. I was and am still sensitive (in a way she considered too much so).

I learned a valuable lesson, a lesson I hope you can pass on to your kids (to everyone) A successful relationship is give-take. I spent all of the time giving and very little time taking because with her personality she did not and could not return my tokens of love (if that makes any sense).

It's been almost ten years now without being in a romantic relationship. After the break up I did eventually start looking again but my heart was still hurt. I found some nice girls but looked closely and (maybe wrongly) assumed they were already taken and never stepped forward. I didn't want what happened to me happen to anyone else on my account. I knew how terrible it felt to have my heart broken. Maybe you see that as a sign of weakness but I have my standards and principles and I try to stand by them.

Betty, I hope and pray that your daughter doesn't have to go through what I have been through. to say I am lonely is a complete understatement. I was too young to be dating and I let the relationship go on too long. Now look at me. ( where is a crying cheese when you want to use one?)

flippyshark · 10-13-2008, 08:22 AM

I had my first "make out" session with a girl friend when I was twelve. (It was a ridiculous and giggly event). I didn't cross home plate until I was 16.

I don't have kids, but I admit, if I were a dad and had daughters, I would be more than grumpy about my thirteen year old having a serious boyfriend. (If it IS serious, which I consider red-flagged by the boy's eagerness to talk to her Dad about it. That sounds like me when I was a sophomore. I was VERY serious about my high school romances, hence, I know that this can be a very bad thing!)

Wow, I am glad I don't have teenagers.

3894 · 10-13-2008, 08:28 AM

Betty, this is your husband's child, too. If he feels something strongly, that should be respected. I'm just basing this on what you said in your post since we don't know each other.

Every house has its own rules. Our two daughters had to put up with No Dating until You're 16. From 14 to 16, they could go out in mixed groups.

Period. No exceptions. Childhood is short enough.

BarTopDancer · 10-13-2008, 08:39 AM

I was in 7th grade when I had my first "boyfriend". At that age we weren't allowed to be alone (without other people around) so my dad would take me to the parks and rec center and he would meet me there. In the end that was a bad idea, because we'd go make out in the field.

I think there is a difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend at 16 and 13/14 and that difference is the amount of alone time they have, or time they even see each other.

Morrigoon · 10-13-2008, 08:50 AM

I supposedly had a "boyfriend" when I was 13 or 14. Didn't amount to much although he made me a mix tape and suffered through my dance recital. I know we didn't kiss, because I was 18 and in jr. college when I got my first real boyfriend kiss from my first "real" boyfriend.

But yeah, "dating" at 13 can be pretty innocent, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It depends on how committed your daughter is to not "giving in" before her time.

wendybeth · 10-13-2008, 08:55 AM

I was 21 and was an innocent angel until then. I married him, and he is the daddy to ToriBear, my 13 year old girl who posts here and who I hope reads this and actually believes it.

Strangler Lewis · 10-13-2008, 09:04 AM

How do they meet at school if he goes to a different school? Maybe he's a sophomore at a JC and goes to night school.

I disagree with Scaeagles somewhat in that I think the need for a boyfriend or girlfriend is in inverse proportion to the maturity of the kid. Around here, we seem to have the junior high kids with lots of activities who do not appear to have boyfriends/girlfriends and the ones who hang out in the minimall with nothing to do except socialize, yak on cell phones and pour soda on the girls or scream invitingly for said pouring.

I'm a few years away from having to deal with this, but I'd probably tend towards 3894's rule.

Betty · 10-13-2008, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3894

Betty, this is your husband's child, too. If he feels something strongly, that should be respected. I'm just basing this on what you said in your post since we don't know each other.

Every house has its own rules. Our two daughters had to put up with No Dating until You're 16. From 14 to 16, they could go out in mixed groups.

Period. No exceptions. Childhood is short enough.

I tend to agree with this overall. I think it's a good guideline. Going out in groups - and with parental supervision on top of that depending on the circumstances.

I'm curious though - does your "no dating" rule mean no boyfriend - or was a boyfriend fine but they just couldn't be alone together.

Also - if they went out as a mixed group, how could you be sure they weren't just saying that upfront and then not getting some alone time in?

10-13-2008, 07:22 AM	#1
Betty Kicking up my heels! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Silver State Posts: 3,783	Your first boyfriend or girlfriend My freshman, 13 year old daughter who will be 14 in about a month, confided that she has a boyfriend. He is a sophmore, goes to a different school, and is the best friend of her best friend. It was a good time to talk about lots of things - like not having sex, birth control, and just how cute he is. I'm not sure how I feel about all this. My husband is totally against it - but probably would be against her having a boyfriend ever. They met at her school - where he comes to visit now and then with his friend... He likes school, gets good grades - but I've yet to meet him or talk to him. He asked Amy to speak to his dad to meet him - and has requested that he speak by phone to Amy's dad. That impressed me somewhat - what teenage kid requests to speak to his girlfriend's father? (none of mind ever did...) My husband does NOT want to talk to him. The subject of a boyfriend can't be brought up without major grumpiness or more. Anyway, while I ponder this new revelation, I look to you guys for your group wisdom. When did you have your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you tell your parents about him/her? What do you think of a 13 (14) year old having a boyfriend or girlfriend? My thoughts are - I'm glad she told me about him. I figure it's better not to outlaw it as she might still have him as a boyfriend yet I won't hear about it and be able to talk to her about it. I had my first kiss at 16 - my first boyfriend around that same time - and also lost my virginity that same year. I would have loved to have a boyfriend earlier as many of my friends did - but I was fairly shy and especially so when it came to boys. Please share your experiences of both yourself and if you have kids, how you feel about their dating (or future dating). __________________ Nee Stell Thue
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10-13-2008, 07:31 AM	#2
scaeagles I LIKE! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,819	I was 13 when I had my first girlfriend. I don't think you can set an age on it - has to do with the maturity of the kid. I do, however, think that there is so much more sex in the media that the age seems to keep getting pushed earlier and earlier. As an example, I'm watching football with my 9 years old son yesterday, and a commerical comes on for the movie about two friends that makes a porno. My son says "What's a porno?". Like I want to explain to my 9 year old son what a porno is? But I suppose the inappropriateness of commercials during family viewing time is another issue....just making a point about how times certainly are changing. My daughter is almost 15 and while she's had her crushes, she has no interest nor time to have a boyfriend. I've actually had to give her lessons in letting guys down easily. Three of four times she's told her mom that some guy has come up to her and said "I like you. Do you like me?" and she hasn't been very....uh, kind? Tactful?....in her response. I am counting my blessings that this has not been an issue or point if interest in her life. she also has the advantage of a best friend that just got hurt by a guy two years older, and that has opened her eyes quite a bit to the emotional consequences often assocated with early teen relationships.
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10-13-2008, 08:11 AM	#3
BDBopper Not Taking Any Crap! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Cleaning Up America, One Step At A Time! Posts: 1,694	I was 14 and a half when I had my first and only girlfriend. Her name was Misty. We would kiss but that is only as far as we went because we both knew that anything more was inappropriate. I am a very romantic person. I spoiled Misty a lot. Not a lot of money was spent. Rather I spoiled her in small ways. For example one Valentine's Day I gave her a box of mix tapes that I had spent months recording for her. After almost three years she decided that she wanted to see someone else. She called me the day before Final Exams in 1999. I was crushed but I wanted her to be happy so I let her go. In the end our personalities didn't match too well. I was and am still sensitive (in a way she considered too much so). I learned a valuable lesson, a lesson I hope you can pass on to your kids (to everyone) A successful relationship is give-take. I spent all of the time giving and very little time taking because with her personality she did not and could not return my tokens of love (if that makes any sense). It's been almost ten years now without being in a romantic relationship. After the break up I did eventually start looking again but my heart was still hurt. I found some nice girls but looked closely and (maybe wrongly) assumed they were already taken and never stepped forward. I didn't want what happened to me happen to anyone else on my account. I knew how terrible it felt to have my heart broken. Maybe you see that as a sign of weakness but I have my standards and principles and I try to stand by them. Betty, I hope and pray that your daughter doesn't have to go through what I have been through. to say I am lonely is a complete understatement. I was too young to be dating and I let the relationship go on too long. Now look at me. ( where is a crying cheese when you want to use one?)
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10-13-2008, 08:22 AM	#4
flippyshark Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Orlando, FL Posts: 2,852	I had my first "make out" session with a girl friend when I was twelve. (It was a ridiculous and giggly event). I didn't cross home plate until I was 16. I don't have kids, but I admit, if I were a dad and had daughters, I would be more than grumpy about my thirteen year old having a serious boyfriend. (If it IS serious, which I consider red-flagged by the boy's eagerness to talk to her Dad about it. That sounds like me when I was a sophomore. I was VERY serious about my high school romances, hence, I know that this can be a very bad thing!) Wow, I am glad I don't have teenagers.
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10-13-2008, 08:28 AM	#5
3894 Next Stop: Funkytown! Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Cheeselandia Posts: 1,907	Betty, this is your husband's child, too. If he feels something strongly, that should be respected. I'm just basing this on what you said in your post since we don't know each other. Every house has its own rules. Our two daughters had to put up with No Dating until You're 16. From 14 to 16, they could go out in mixed groups. Period. No exceptions. Childhood is short enough. __________________ "I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. Here comes the smolder." - Flynn Rider, "Tangled"
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10-13-2008, 08:39 AM	#6
BarTopDancer Prepping... Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Here, there, everywhere Posts: 11,405	I was in 7th grade when I had my first "boyfriend". At that age we weren't allowed to be alone (without other people around) so my dad would take me to the parks and rec center and he would meet me there. In the end that was a bad idea, because we'd go make out in the field. I think there is a difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend at 16 and 13/14 and that difference is the amount of alone time they have, or time they even see each other. __________________ Spork is the new MacGyver Postcards From My Edge
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10-13-2008, 08:50 AM	#7
Morrigoon I throw stones at houses Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Location: Location Posts: 9,534	I supposedly had a "boyfriend" when I was 13 or 14. Didn't amount to much although he made me a mix tape and suffered through my dance recital. I know we didn't kiss, because I was 18 and in jr. college when I got my first real boyfriend kiss from my first "real" boyfriend. But yeah, "dating" at 13 can be pretty innocent, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It depends on how committed your daughter is to not "giving in" before her time. __________________ http://bash.org/?top "It is useless for sheep to pass a resolution in favor of vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion." -- William Randolph Inge
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10-13-2008, 08:55 AM	#8
wendybeth Nevermind Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,847	I was 21 and was an innocent angel until then. I married him, and he is the daddy to ToriBear, my 13 year old girl who posts here and who I hope reads this and actually believes it. __________________
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10-13-2008, 09:04 AM	#9
Strangler Lewis Doing The Job Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: In a state Posts: 3,956	How do they meet at school if he goes to a different school? Maybe he's a sophomore at a JC and goes to night school. I disagree with Scaeagles somewhat in that I think the need for a boyfriend or girlfriend is in inverse proportion to the maturity of the kid. Around here, we seem to have the junior high kids with lots of activities who do not appear to have boyfriends/girlfriends and the ones who hang out in the minimall with nothing to do except socialize, yak on cell phones and pour soda on the girls or scream invitingly for said pouring. I'm a few years away from having to deal with this, but I'd probably tend towards 3894's rule. __________________ Live now-pay later. Diner's Club!
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