How the hell do you cut your own head off with a chainsaw?!
Wouldn't you stop halfway through the neck because you're already dead?

It's all in the arm speed.

Though I can think of several gravity methods that would get the trick done.

Ew!

This is a true story…

Stoat: "Hi, I'd like to speak to Janet"
Telephonist: "Janet's on holidays"
Stoat: "Oh...Ok, can I speak to someone else in her department?"
Telephonist: "Well, let me see, hmmm…Nicole”
Stoat: “Yes, Ok, I’ll speak to Nicole”
Telephonist: “I’ll put you on hold…”

[heavy metal din rattles my fillings for 5 minutes]

Not Nicole: “Hi, this is the Communications Department”
Stoat: “Hi Nicole, I need some legal advice”
Not Nicole: “This is not Nicole, it’s Julie”
Stoat: “Sorry Julie, I was told that I’d be speaking to Nicole”
Julie: “Nicole doesn’t work here any more”
Stoat: “Well I actually wanted to speak to Janet, but she’s on holidays”
Julie: “No she’s not – she’s in today”
Stoat: “Oh good – may I speak with her?”
Julie: “Sorry, Janet’s on another call right now”
Stoat: “Well, I can hold until she’s available”
Julie: “I’ll put you on hold…”

[heavy metal din rattles my fillings for 5 minutes]

Not Julie: “How can I help you?”
Stoat: “Hi Julie?...I was waiting for Janet”
Not Julie: “This not Julie, this is Christina…Julie has gone to lunch”
Stoat: “Christina, may I please speak to Janet?”
Christina: “Janet is on holidays”
Stoat: “But Julie told me that Janet was on another call”
Christina: “Look..can someone else help you? Nicole is available”
Stoat: “But Julie told me that Nicole doesn’t work there anymore”
Christina: “I’ll put you on hold…”

[heavy metal din rattles my fillings for 10 minutes]

Stoat: “Hi Christina?...what’s the deal with Nicole?”
Not Christina: “This is not Christina, this is Trudy”
Stoat: “Sorry Trudy, I was after Janet”
Trudy: “Janet’s knocked off for the day”
Stoat: “Well when should I call back?”
Trudy: “Janet will be on holidays for two weeks…
Stoat: [silence]

Trudy: "Can someone else help you?”
Stoat: “God might have – but I think he has forsaken me – click”

Dear GC,

Bear and I watched a DVD called "Hostel" by Qentin Tarrantino. I spent most of the movie peering through my fingers or watching the reflection upside-down in the glass-topped coffee table.

If you require instruction on "incredibly gruesome things to do to yourself and others with a chainsaw" then rent this sucker. Oh...and I reckon MythBusters could easily demonstrate that an individual could top 'emselves quite easily...after all, we are talking about a couple of feet of totally exposed fast moving metal teeth.

Chainsaws scare the pants of me...

Love and hugs,

The Stoat XXX.

Minor point of clarification. Hostel is an Eli Roth film. I suspect a Tarantino version would have more artistic value and not be just torture porn (and I use that in the cinematic rather than actual pornography sense to avoid the long conversation that happened last time I said torture porn).

Dear Alex,

Maybe there are different versions out there...I could have sworn I saw Qentin's name on the screen. I will say this though: apart from the gratuitous gore, the plot actually held together quite well (better than most body parts anyway) and actually led to a reasonable resolution, which I quite liked.

Hugs,

The Stoat.

Tarantino was an "Executive Producer" on Hostel, and the film was a "Quentin Tarantino presents..." feature.

So I understand why Stoat would think it was a QT flick.

Dear Mousepod,

Thanks for clearing that up...which is exactly what the stage hands would have been doing for days..weeks..months after !!!

Love and hugs,

The Stoat XXX.

I am occasionally disturbed by the amount of thought you put into these kind of things.