The curse of homemade gifts
 

My mom likes to make stuff. When we don't tell her what to buy us for birthdays or anniversaries, she makes us things - horrible things.

Right now I have two such gifts in my closet. They're both in picture frames. One is sewn, the other involves colored sand, glitter, and those tiny fabric roses. One is burgundy and harvest gold, the other is neon green, pink, and royal blue.

It's sad, really, because I know she does these things out of pure love. I know it took her forever to make them. But they're truly ugly, awful things, and neither will ever be hung from my walls.

When she gave me the second one she said something like "you could hang it on the wall, or you could just put it in your closet, I know it might end up there." She laughed while she said it but I could tell she was really saying "It's ok that you hate it and you'll bury it away so no one can see it." I do my best to pretend I like the gifts but it's really, really hard.

I've had other awful gifts from my parents - bad DVDs, tacky items my mom got at the Salvation Army - and those I have no problem tossing. But can I throw out the homemade stuff? Am I cursed to keeping it in a box hidden away? Do I really have to move them to my swanky new digs?

Just pull 'em out when they visit. Then back into the closet with them.

There's a 24" bronze dolphin (from Ralphie's dad) that gets that treatment.

:)

I highly recommend this as well.

I've received some um...... interesting stuff over the years, but mostly from friends. The "best" was this puffy fabric and lace covered "jewelry box" with my name in puffy fabirc paint written on the top. It was at that point that I just about seized my friend's glue gun for life. I know she tried her best, but man........ it was quite the monstrosity. So, it stayed in my dresser drawer to store stuff, and then I'd sit it out on top whenever she came over.

You could always pass it at the next white elephant gift exchange :)

What if it's in the box that gets "lost" in the move?

Mine fell OFF the moving truck! ;)

It took about 25 years to convince most of the people in my life that I honestly don't enjoy receiving gifts, but they finally caught on that it wasn't false modesty and now I don't have to deal with crappy handmade gifts or crappy store bought gifts.

Let me ask you this: would that ugly handmade gift give you a good memory or a laugh in fifty years after your mother has passed away, connecting you to who she was and how she loved you in her own, tasteless kind of way? If you think that, even then, it'll just be an ugly thing you held on to that doesn't help you remember her, then you might consider pitching it.

Or, as the others are cleverly advising, do the swap-out.

Toss it!


:evil:

I'm trying to be ruthless, including with my own stuff, with what we keep. I'm a packrat by nature, but the clutter's really gotten to me, so while I have some forced motivation, I'm cutting to the bone.

Well, I'm fortunate. My mother crochets afghans, so even though I don't need them, I don't refuse them. I have given several away to friends who have loved them. I only wish the one my mother crocheted with her mother did not wear out completely. I'm a sentimental one, I am.

Maybe you could call your mom and tell her that you guys are ditching most of your stuff, and that if there's anything you have that she wants, she should speak up.

Or you could be honest and tell her this stuff just doesn't go with the decor for your new place. Now that you're finally going to be owning, you're going to be decorating, and you don't want stuff that doesn't match. Ask her what she thinks you should do. If she lays the guilt trip on you, then it stays in storage or it falls off the truck. If she says it's ok to dump, then you dump.

Another alternative might be to see if there's someplace like a shelter or retirement home near you that would LOVE things like this. Then all the work your mom put into it wouldn't be thrown away.

I say hold on to it. I received tons of kitschy crafty handmade gifts from my sister over the years. I go rid of most of it as soon as I got it. Now that she is dead, I treasure each and every piece that I still have. Most are stored out in the garage and I would never think of getting rid of them now. They are things made with her own hands that are now irreplaceable.

Anyway, that's my take on it.

I agree with JW.

See, you don't need your mom to guilt you into keeping them.

SHE'S GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY!!!! KEEP EVERYTHING!!!!

If that is a motivation, I say* pick one item, throw the rest away and when your mom kicks it you can build a shrine around the one thing.

Or, tell your mom you are throwing away everything you've received from her to date, but that the next item she gives you will be the one item you keep forever and enshrine after she kicks it. So she better put a lot of thought into that next handmade gift. With luck it will be decades before you get anything more than a giftcard to Barnes & Noble from her.

* WARNING: Advise from me on topics of sentimentality is heartfelt but generally considered broken by the larger population. Example: There is no photographic evidence of my first wedding since we never actually got around to buying any of the photos. Example, the second: I do not possess anything that would give evidence that my father ever existed and that doesn't bother me.

My mother subscribes to the keep everything given to you no matter what theory. This means she has an entire house, and unfinished basement stacked to the celing, of crap. She's a kindergarten teacher so half of it is homemade by 5 year olds crap. When she dies I'm just torching the whole place. It will take years to go through everything.

I say if it's nothing you'll ever use it - toss it. Your future children will thank you.

Nobody is guilting her into anything. I brought up bereavement/appreciation because it is a valid point. She might not have thought about that in reference to the situation. Mortality doesn't always creep into perspective until you have lost someone very close to you. (And not everyone is a sneering anti-sentimentalist here.)

Jennie can make her own decisions, but she asked our opinion.

It's really very simple: if they mean something to you, or might in the future, keep them. If they don't, don't. If you don't want any more of them, say so.

I made a wood painted little drawer thingy for a friend ages ago. It was ocean themed with fish-knobs, metallic seaweed and little crabbies, etc. It was very cool in 1991, but I would not be offended if she moved on from it. Yet, every time I am at her house I see it in the bathroom. She still uses it to hold Q-tips, cotton balls and other medicine cabinet stuff. It is old, chipped and stained. I am embarrassed to admit I made it, but she loves it. You never know with homemade gifts.

If you are ever in my parents' kitchen, you will see a half dozen things I made for my mom over the last 30+ years. She keeps it all, and displays it too. I never know if it is motherly love or bad taste. I want to just take it all and toss it, but sometimes it is fun to show it to people. I made this when I was 8, this when I was 14...

Everyone is different. For CP, I would not paint a floral teabag holder, let alone expect her to display it. That is not her style. I like the idea of telling your mom it doesn't go with the new place. She already said she knows you may not ever use it, so give her the chance to take it. If she really reacts badly to the news, you know you need to keep it in a closet in the new place. Good luck!

Could you by any chance send every member of mine and Michael's family a letter that says, "Traci wants Barnes & Noble gift cards ONLY for the rest of her life until further notice."?

I really like homemade gifts provided that they are cool things like knit socks or chocolate or whatever. Our families are terrible at gifts. For one anniversary we got a talking plastic picture frame (thanks mom!), a stupid book of inspirational sayings about marriage that my sister picked up from the grocery store on her way to my house, and a whitman's sampler. I wanted to go and introduce myself to every member of my family as they clearly hadn't met me before.

My mother in law gives us the same gift every year. It consists of a basket (or a gift bag) of pastas and sauces that we probably won't eat, some sort of chocolate "delicacy," candy for Michael, and the latest Disney release. I give her a ton of credit because at least she puts thought and effort into her gift. If you are going to pick up a gift for me from a grocery store bookshelf on your way over because that also happens to be where you are buying soda, then please just skip it. I've got too much crap already.

I'm a little like Alex (a *little* ;) ) in that I save almost nothing and I'm not very sentimental about objects. I throw away drawings and paintings Indi does all the time. As long as my mental facilities are intact I can rely on my memories of people if I want to reminisce. When my mind does go, trinkets won't be much use to me anyways. I do save a minimal amount of stuff though.

I am very sentimental about certain objects. I have boxes and boxes of sentimental items, like stubs from Dodger games, notes from friends, cards and such. Most of them are what I consider circumstantially sentimental - "oh, that's from the day I ______."

If my mom crocheted me a blanket I'd save it forever. In fact, I have a few things she crocheted for me when I was a kid. Apparently she's lost the ability to make purposeful things.

As it is, these items don't serve any purpose, except make me cringe (and yes, I know they'll make me cringe after she passes). I can't donate them to anyone because they're covered in photos and names. They're supposed to be manufactured sentimental items. I have enough of those that I won't throw away - like the photo album my mom made for me when I got engaged - and that have real meaning.

As for mom getting offended - they almost never drive down here. Maybe once a year, if that. They've already seen that I don't display all her items. She's never asked about it. In fact, there's one that has made it to the picture wall that she was happy to see up. That one I can live with, it's a little collage type thing.

I couldn't do the "pull it out, they're coming over." Yes, I'll lie to their faces when I open a gift that I hate, but that's as far as my lie can go. I admit that after tossing the two items mentioned I may lie about having them stored somewhere - but I figure that can't hurt anyone and won't be hard to pull off.

Heehee! I love Alex! Sometimes I wish I were as matter-of-fact, but I enjoy my sentimental nature too much. It's good to have the reality check though, thanks.

I have to think of future generations. It's my responsibility to preserve items for display in my future Presidential library.

Oh crap! There goes my housewarming present idea for GD, CP. Anyone else want a gold spray painted, macaroni decorated, orange juice can, suitable for holding pencils?

Couple options here:

1) the "select one for sentiment, and toss the rest" solution
2) gather them all together, put them in a single box of maternal tackiness, easily stored, and easy to go to when you wish to be reminded of her, um, tasteful craftiness
3) toss them all
4) 1,2, or 3 above for the past, and on your mom's next birthday (or holiday), give her a book on crocheting afghans, a crochet hook, and several skeins of your favorite color yarn (hint, hint!)

I'm very lucky. Living with a practical Stoat, he saw my shoe-boxes full of dusty faded receipts and entry tickets (I hate how thermal tickets slowly go black after time) and he said to me this wise thing:

"Instead of keeping the ticket / receipt / programme / tour brochure etc, why not take a digital photo of it in high res and keep it on CD/DVD"?

We now do this ALL the time, and I have been slowly scanning and turfing my collection. It saves space, and makes things much more accessable, and faster to retrieve.

I love my Practical Stoat !! :D

Ha. You think that's an exaggeration. You have not witnessed the horror. I just might unleash it on you guys.

Lash - great idea! I admit that part of my fixation has to do with having the actual object - but perhaps in a while I may be persuaded to follow your cool idea.
THIS is an excellent idea! I just might. :snap: Shopping for mom is always tough. Thanks!

I can think of a good time and place for that.... :evil:

I'm with GC. Keep it, store/hide it, take it out when the gift maker visits.

I find this POV interesting because my feeling is - why should I bend over backwards to show that I like a gift I actually hate? Lying when I receive it, lying when it's mentioned later - that's enough catering to crappiness in my book.

"Why should I change my name? He's the one that sucks."
~Michael Bolton, Office Space

Then why did you ask? You already have your answer.

I think she's reminding us not to make "Bless This Mess" housewarming gifts for her?

Damn. I'll have to give mine to my mom. She'll hang on to it, 'cause I might die or something and then she'll feel really bad.;):p

I think it's great that your mom loves you enough to want to make you things.

Maybe you should have a game plan to always let her know what you want beforehand? Book? DVD? Amazon gift card?

I'm lucky, my Mom always asks what I want, and I try to think of something.

The dosconnect only persists in mistaking the object for only the object. It may also a symbol of love, respect, and family. In which case, you're not lying at all unless you reject the good wishes of your mother and have no desire to reciprocate through the object's display. It's the magic and meaning behind the object that makes it so difficult to discard, not the object itself.

Awesome post - I think you nailed it.

Quickly, I gotta go - we've made it our policy to tell them what we want and it works some of the time.
I just wanted to see what you guys thought. Didn't mean to come off as saying "you're wrong", sorry if I miffed anyone. :) I get frustrated with my mom's awful tastes.

I think you should post pics of these gifts. How bad can they really be?

Thankfully, my mother no longer has time for handmade items. What she does do though is almost as bad, but at least I have no difficulty disgarding the items. I tend to admire things and mention "hey that's kinda cool." It's rarely something I would actually want or use, just something random that amused me. Well instead of listening to my multiple hints at the things I actually do want or need, my mother will pick up on the most random "cool" thing and get me that.

Ok, here's the deal with posting:

If I get around to it (I don't have much home time these days without packing) I'll take pics and post them in the Parking LoT. I don't want them viewable by non-swankers. They've got names and pictures on them. I'm kinda worried one will end up on boners.com or something :rolleyes: I'll ask that no one copy the pics. Yeah, I'm a bit paranoid about it.

If I do so I'll let you know.

Many years ago, my mom decided she wanted to try and see if she could paint. She was a big fan of the hippie on cable tv that painted "happy little trees" and such. So she got her supplies and produced exactly one painting, before deciding that it was ugly and that she had no artistic talent. Actually, my dad and I thought she did ok for her first try but she would have none of it. The painting sat in the back of her closet, covered in old clothes.

When she died, it was one of a few things that I really wanted because, like others have mentioned, it was something that was created with her own hands. I didn't think I would ever display it, but I didn't want it thrown away. It sat in my closet for many years until one day when Matthew saw it and asked me about it. I told him the story and a few days later, he bought me a frame for it and for the first time ever, it was displayed for others to see. Surprisingly, there have been some positive comments about it over the years from people who have no idea who it was painted by. I can't help but smile when that happens.

But realistically, to anyone who knows art, it is probably seen as a piece of crap. Still, it is priceless to me and I will continue to display it regardless of its artistic merit. It could have so easily been discarded and within a short time, I probably would have forgotten about it completely. Instead, it is one of the few tangible reminders that I have of her existence and I'm pretty thankful that I kept it.

Now, as far as you are concerned, CP, you may never want to display any these items as I've done. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. I would ask you to consider the underlying value of them however. Some day, you might just get a little joy from digging one of these out of a box and taking a trip down memory lane. At that time, I suspect that they might even look a little less ugly to you. :)

Do you or GD have Photoshop or some other photo-editing program? Just go in and blur out the sensitive information before posting the pictures.

If it were the one and only thing she's made, I'd agree. But her mom's made lots and lots of things, much of which is far less attrocious than these couple of items. Those we are happy to keep. But these...

I have a beautiful photo album my Mom put together that I'd show anyone. I have a crocheted blanket she made for my doll when I was 4 years old. There are other things as well. My mom used to make beautiful, witty birthday cards as well.

I have lots of wonderful things that she made with her own hands, and those I'll cherish forever. :)

Fair enough. :)

Gather up all the things you don't like and head for the beach. Start a bonfire and then throw each item in the fire one at a time shouting out some awful thing about your mother as you do so.

It'll be really cathartic.

Or, you'll convince yourself that you hate your mother and then throw away even the stuff you do like and that'll save you a lot of room and free up the holidays for personal travel. Win win.

Forget that - post the links to Ebay, let's find out the fair market value of these items.

You get more if you say they're haunted !

Ok, head for the Parking LoT.

Heehee, visible mojo for Alex.

I think posting this on the message board is cathartic.