Are you an akser or a Guesser?

[Moonliner]

This is today's viral internet article...

Are you an Asker or a Guesser?

Originally Posted by Article

The advice of etiquette experts on dealing with unwanted invitations, or overly demanding requests for favours, has always been the same: just say no. That may have been a useless mantra in the war on drugs, but in the war on relatives who want to stay for a fortnight, or colleagues trying to get you to do their work, the manners guru Emily Post's formulation – "I'm afraid that won't be possible" – remains the gold standard. Excuses merely invite negotiation. The comic retort has its place (Peter Cook: "Oh dear, I find I'm watching television that night"), and I'm fond of the tautological non-explanation ("I can't, because I'm unable to"). But these are variations on a theme: the best way to say no is to say no. Then shut up.

This is a lesson we're unable to learn, however, judging by the scores of books promising to help us. The Power Of A Positive No, How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty, The Book Of No... Publishers, certainly, seem unable to refuse. (Two recent books addressing the topic are Marshall Goldsmith's Mojo, and Womenomics, by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay.) This is the "disease to please" – a phrase that doesn't make grammatical sense, but rhymes, giving it instant pop-psychology cachet. There are certainly profound issues here, of self-esteem, guilt etcetera. But it's also worth considering whether part of the problem doesn't originate in a simple misunderstanding between two types of people: Askers and Guessers.

This terminology comes from a brilliant web posting by Andrea Donderi that's achieved minor cult status online. We are raised, the theory runs, in one of two cultures. In Ask culture, people grow up believing they can ask for anything – a favour, a pay rise– fully realising the answer may be no. In Guess culture, by contrast, you avoid "putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes… A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

I'm definitely an Asker.

[Ghoulish Delight]

I'm not sure I entirely agree with the premise. Specifically the "fully realising the answer may be no" part. There are plenty of people who ask for preposterous things AND get bent out of shape when you say no.

[Alex]

Using that vocabulary, technically I'm an asker, but a lot of people might assume that I'm not in that I very rarely ask for things.

But that's simply because there isn't a lot of I want that I don't have. When I realize the want I simply ask though.

As for what GD says i'd say that's a third category (though probably violating the vocabulary of the self-help guru) of a "Demander." These are people who apparently feel that the very act of wanting something means they deserve it and therefore any denial of it is unreasonable. Sure, I can be bent out of shape but an unreasonable denial (as I was recently with an uexpected rejection of a very minor work expense that I feel put us in a bad light as a company) but I think I'm generally pretty honest about it with myself.

[Kevy Baby]

I disagree with the premise as well. To me it falls into the category of

There are two kinds of people: those who put people into one of two categories and those who don't

Sticking with the two available selections, I use both tactics. For example, when I know someone may not like performing/giving something I need from them, I put it into the form of a question in such a way that it gives that person the idea is theirs to provide it and therefor are more inclined to give. By giving them a choice, it takes away from the 'force' being imposed.

[Not Afraid]

If I realize there is a question to be asked, I have no qualms about asking it. However, I don't always realize that, what I really need to do, is ask the question.

As far as saying no and feeling guilty for it, I'm trying hard to get over that. One of the things I have been trying to do more of is to keep from getting involved with crazy-making people. I had a client who was a notorious crazy-maker. I kept my distance, despite her repeated demands for social interaction. That only made her mad (which was sad, but not really my problem). I finally put my foot down and refused to take an order from her. Two days later, she died. Not that the two were related in any way, I just felt guilty that I had taken such a hard line stance against her.

[Betty]

Just do what I say. There. Easy.

[Ghoulish Delight]

One thing I do agree with is the Emily Post advice. I find that the more I try to explain WHY I say no, the more people take that as an invitation to decide that my priorities are wrong and get annoyed. I try (as much as is practical) to say, "I'm so sorry, I can't," rather than detail out why.

[Betty]

Originally Posted by Ghoulish Delight

One thing I do agree with is the Emily Post advice. I find that the more I try to explain WHY I say no, the more people take that as an invitation to decide that my priorities are wrong and get annoyed. I try (as much as is practical) to say, "I'm so sorry, I can't," rather than detail out why.

I agree. I have to use that with my kids - "because I said so" type of thing or they just argue. I'm afraid I learned this when my 7th grade teacher taught us how to negotiate.

In business life though - I really need to learn that phrase: I'm afraid that won't be possible.

And then shut the eff up.

[Moonliner]

How about this one:

"Where would you like to go for dinner?"

As an "asker" if I'm presented with this question I'll answer something like:
"How about Friday's?"

My wife (a guesser) on the other hand, will go to her grave before suggesting an actual restaurant. I have to go through an elaborate Q&A inquisition in order to try and deduce where she actually wants to go.

[Pirate Bill]

When I'm around a bunch of guessers I become an asker. When I'm around askers I become a guesser.

Basically, I tend to yield to the dominant type A personalities. But when everyone is a type B, elements of type A come out in me or nobody makes a decision and nothing gets done.