Why Did I Refuse This Random Act of Kindness?

[Gemini Cricket]

Originally Posted by Kevy Baby

First off, learn how to spell diarrhea

[wendybeth]

Originally Posted by Kevy Baby

First off, learn how to spell diarrhea

Seriously though, the difference in this case is that they were in line to make a purchase - he wasn't making the drink, just offering to pay for it.



I am not sure how "rude" the inquiry was. The words don't seem that offensive, but I am not sure of the approach.

Overall, I think we, as a society, are little too protective. I feel as though we should open up a little more to one another.

I have been trying to figure out to respond to Helen's OP. I keep thinking that I am disappointed (generally speaking) that a simple "no thank you" was not used here. I do think that leaving the establishment was a bit much (unless it was simply out of personal embarrassment). Without being there, I suspect that the worst thing the gentleman was engaging in not the smoothest marketing. Optimistically, I want to believe he was trying to make the world a better place.

I have been known to pay for people's meals at a restaurant. I remember Susan and I having an engaging conversation with the people at the next table one evening several years ago. They were there celebrating their anniversary. I was so touched by their story and their demeanor, that on our way out (we were seated and consequently finished before they did), we paid their dinner tab. We did it simply because we thought it would be an unexpected gesture that would (hopefully) make the world a better place.

Good for you, KB! I think, as stated before, that random acts of kindness should be anonymous- it is very uncomfortable for me to accept freebies from someone, but should someone just do as you and Susan have done, I would be very pleased and would certainly make an effort to do the same sometime.

[Not Afraid]

Originally Posted by Kevy Baby

First off, learn how to spell diarrhea

I can never spell it either and i have a job where it is sometimes necessary to actually write the evil word. I find that "Loose Stool" works just fine.

[Alex]

Originally Posted by Kevy Baby

I wonder how many interesting conversations that you have missed out on because of this. Sure, a lot of them were probably sales pitches, but not all of them may have been.

Perhaps, but the benefit of cutting off all of those sales pitches far outweighs (to me) the minimal likelihood of interesting conversation. Especially since if the person isn't capable of starting things off politely I don't have any great hope for interesting conversation even if there isn't a sale pitch to come.

As for the free stuff from people thing, I generally wouldn't take it now matter how nicely offered. At best I would have told this person "maybe the people behind me would like to take you up on it." Plus, some people just can't get behind the idea of "anonymous." A few years ago Lani and I were eating at IHOP on Thanksgiving (we do go all out for the holidays) and our waitress was also working a nearby table with something like 15 people. They left and we heard her mention to another staffperson that the table hadn't left any tip (and this was a table with many rowdy kids, etc.). So when we were done we left an extra $50 with a note explaining that some people suck, happy holidays, etc. (simply so she'd know it wasn't a mistake). Then she chased us down in the parking lot to thank us. I almost wanted to ask for the money back since she insisted on ruining it by turning it into a very uncomfortable situation (for me, other people would have been pleased as punch, I'm sure).

Fully aware of the irony, I am much better at giving than at receiving. So I'd have no problem paying for the meal of that anniversary couple but if I were that anniversary couple I'd be pretty put out to find out that somebody had paid for it.

[wendybeth]

Originally Posted by Alex

Perhaps, but the benefit of cutting off all of those sales pitches far outweighs (to me) the minimal likelihood of interesting conversation. Especially since if the person isn't capable of starting things off politely I don't have any great hope for interesting conversation even if there isn't a sale pitch to come.

As for the free stuff from people thing, I generally wouldn't take it now matter how nicely offered. At best I would have told this person "maybe the people behind me would like to take you up on it." Plus, some people just can't get behind the idea of "anonymous." A few years ago Lani and I were eating at IHOP on Thanksgiving (we do go all out for the holidays) and our waitress was also working a nearby table with something like 15 people. They left and we heard her mention to another staffperson that the table hadn't left any tip (and this was a table with many rowdy kids, etc.). So when we were done we left an extra $50 with a note explaining that some people suck, happy holidays, etc. (simply so she'd know it wasn't a mistake). Then she chased us down in the parking lot to thank us. I almost wanted to ask for the money back since she insisted on ruining it by turning it into a very uncomfortable situation (for me, other people would have been pleased as punch, I'm sure).



Fully aware of the irony, I am much better at giving than at receiving. So I'd have no problem paying for the meal of that anniversary couple but if I were that anniversary couple I'd be pretty put out to find out that somebody had paid for it.

Visible mojo- I feel the same way, but I don't think I would be too upset were I on the receiving end, so long as the giver wasn't lurking about waiting for kudos. I would very likely turn right around and do the same for another person or couple.

[Morrigoon]

Alex: that is perhaps an aspect of your personality you may want to work on... inability to receive graciously is a flaw. Not as big a flaw as inability to give to others, of course, but neither is it something to be proud of.

(Not saying this to be insulting, I'm just putting it out there academically that you may want to explore the reasons you cannot allow yourself to be the recipient of kindnesses, especially in light of the fact that that denies the giver the pleasure of giving)

Also, as embarrassing as it is to be thanked profusely for doing something when you'd hoped to "do your alms anonymously", if someone is willing to go that far out of their way to show their gratitude, don't punish them by negating your kindness. Just say thanks and move on.

[Alex]

I don't consider it something I am proud of but something I am aware of and generally able to live with. I am aware of the reasons (or what I think are the reasons) this trait developed in me and aware that they are both irrational and produce a level of misanthropy that is unnecessarily off putting to others.

But while I am willing to share the fact of the way I am and how that impacts I am not willing to share the personal details on why I think it has developed as that is generally irrelevant.

And of course I didn't do anything to let that waitress know I was in any way unhappy with her chasing me down to thank us. I said "you're welcome" and smiled and ah shucked as appropriate.

While I might wish to avoid gifts and thanks, I can only thank of one time I was actually rude when they were forced onto me. Back in college I worked for a lady that insisted on cake and ice cream on every birthday in the group. I had told her that I didn't wish to observe my birthday and would appreciate if she skipped that for me. Then on my birthday I came in and there was a surprise party for me. I quite literally said "I'm sorry but you've put me in an awkward position. Either I sit here and smile and you think I was lying when I said I didn't want my birthday observed or I end up looking like an ungrateful asshole by leaving." Then I left.

I've grown up since then and would never do that now (but have also been successful ever since in convincing my employers to ignore my birthday).

[MouseWife]

Originally Posted by Kevy Baby

I wonder how many interesting conversations that you have missed out on because of this. Sure, a lot of them were probably sales pitches, but not all of them may have been.

I have to laugh at this one, it is actually a 'combo' of this topic, it being a sales pitch and a freebie.

Ever so many years ago, when the lottery first came about I believe, my mother received a call: 'X' amount of free lottery tickets if you would listen to this guys sales pitch about a water purifier.

Well, she was game and she always chatted up {or told off} door to door salespersons and so this young man comes around. Dressed in a suit, complete with a briefcase and the papers about the item he was selling.

Us girlies were hanging around, as we did when any guy came around and we were watching her. We thought she was going to yell at him at some point, gee Wally, cuz that's what she did.

But no, as this young man is sweating it in his tie and trying so very hard to speak in the best English he could, you could see by his face he was trying soo hard, my mother looks at him right in the eye, very curiously, 'So, you do this for a living?' and the young man says 'Yes, I do ma'am'. She tells him 'Gee, that's too bad. It is really boring'.

We almost died for him and of laughter. He chuckled and I relaxed, I guess at that point he realized he just had to fork over the tickets and no more pressure.

Sorry is this was off topic but I am laughing my arse off just remembering the incident.

That's my momma.

[Morrigoon]

Originally Posted by Alex

I don't consider it something I am proud of but something I am aware of and generally able to live with. I am aware of the reasons (or what I think are the reasons) this trait developed in me and aware that they are both irrational and produce a level of misanthropy that is unnecessarily off putting to others.

But while I am willing to share the fact of the way I am and how that impacts I am not willing to share the personal details on why I think it has developed as that is generally irrelevant.

And of course I didn't do anything to let that waitress know I was in any way unhappy with her chasing me down to thank us. I said "you're welcome" and smiled and ah shucked as appropriate.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression that it was necessary to share your reasons with us, that was not the intended meaning. I was merely suggesting introspection on your own part, which it seems you have done, so... um... good, I guess

Also, I think you made yourself sound worse in that previous post than you deserved, given that you did actually do the aw schucking, etc. as appropriate. You discredit yourself unnecessarily, Alex... I'm starting to think that you think yourself a bigger b@stard than you ever possibly could be irl.

[Alex]

You didn't make it seem like a demand for explanation. Just explaining that I am more self aware than it may seem since I generally only share the results and not so much the causes.

As for the second part, I just said it made me want to be rude not that I was rude. And it is true, in my head I was saying "40 demerits for you for chasing me down." If my life were an episode of Scrubs or Family Guy that would have been a moment of cutting away to a fantasy scene.