American Journeys. Mortification by me, 1991 (age 25) PART 1

[lashbear]

Where do I start to describe the places and experiences that are truly American? How do I convey the sense of culture shock and amazement that I felt every day? Perhaps by chronicling the events that happened to me, along with the feelings that accompanied them, I may be able to help you, the reader, know what the America I know is like, and I may be able to convince myself that it actually happened as well.

Let me start with:

DAY 1 - Friday the 29th of November, 1991.
It was only too easy to wake up that morning. The day was fine and I soon got the luggage (pre-packed of course!) and myself into the car. I was driven to the airport by my father (after a tearful farewell from mother). We arrived at the airport and transported my luggage and myself up to the international departures section. Once I got to the ticket booth, I had to make a choice: did we want tickets in smoking or non-smoking? I thought of the hardships I would have to face without cigarettes on the long flight, and weighed it up against the hardships Maree would have to go through being a non-smoker in the smoking section. luckily my mind was made up for me.

"I can give you two seats in the front row of smoking, sir," the attendant said, "which means you can have your cigarettes, and your friend doesn't have to put up with too much smoke." This seemed too good to be true, and so I grabbed up the offer, booking my seat and getting her to hold Maree's seat next to me until she arrived.

That done, the next thing to do was to find Maree and explain to her what the seating arrangement was to be. I didn't find her, but Barrie, her other half, found me.

He explained that Maree was looking for me somewhere in the airport, and so off I went to look for her. I eventually found her, and went with her to the window, where she got her seat on the plane allocated to her.

Dad wished us Bon Voyage and left us with Barrie. We went off to the coffee shop to wait until the plane departed. Maree and Barrie had a drink each and I had something to eat, which was a mistake. The food was grossly overpriced, and I was informed that once we got on the plane, we would be fed to the gills, anyway. Once we finished, we went to do some duty-free shopping.

The shop in the airport was small, but had most things. Maree bought some film, and I bought cigarettes. We had to wait until we went through customs as the shop arranged for us to pick the items up at the pick-up window inside the boarding area. Soon it was time to board so we went through.

We went through the nerve-wracking ordeal of wondering if they would let our on-board luggage through, and all the other niceties, then went through to the plane. Stowing the luggage above your head while a hundred other people jostle you is not a nice experience, but we managed. After making sure the overhead locker was secure, we settled into our seats (nicely placed by the aisle) and awaited further instruction.

The stewardess demonstrated how to apply your lifejacket calmly (something you would never be able to do in an actual emergency) then advised us on the safety features of the plane. A bit more waiting then we finally took off.

The plane was equipped with a video screen that showed us a map of our flight path, readouts showing altitude, and a display of how far we had come on our journey...and how long to get to our destination. These features were enough to keep us amused for fully ten minutes. Then the boredom set in.

To be fair, the airline did all that it could to keep us amused; there were those cute sockettes, earplugs and facemask to play with; they gave you a comb to comb the hairs off the back of the seat in front of you; they even had a headset for you to listen to the radio (that's a bit better..) and later on, we were promised some great movies to watch. But for the present, they had an ace up their sleeve.....

The video screen flickered to life with something to watch. It was an episode of The Comedy Company. The Australians on the plane sat up and started to watch, laughing at the "witty" sketches, while the Americans gave themselves away by sitting there with a "what the heck is this?" expression on their faces. That was enjoyable enough, but then we were shown a travelogue about America. We watched it but after a while, a game of cards started to sound real good. I got out the Euchre cards, and we amused ourselves that way.

I became aware of a gorgeous scent wafting through the cabin of the plane. It was feeding time. We got our meals (I don't remember what they were) and ate them with great enjoyment. They showed us a movie ("Doc Hollywood") and then it was time to doze for a while.

I woke to find another meal being served to me. I ate it, then had a scotch & coke to reliever the boredom. The rest of the flight doesn't even warrant describing.

At last we approached HonoluluAirport after hours & hours of flying. We touched down and were advised there would be a 4 hour layover until our SanFrancisco flight left. Since we were not allowed to leave the airport, Maree & I decided to explore the intriguing world of "The Honolulu Airport Terminal".

First thing I had to do was find a toilet, so I took Maree, and off we went. Finding one eventually, we both went into our respective "Restrooms" (why anyone would go there to have a rest is beyond me!). We both came out full of news about the distinctive & unusual toilet bowls.

American toilets have large, low bowls (a bit like a Marie Antoinette champagne glass), and because they are so low, the water level is almost to the rim - about 4"-5" from your vital bits. They make the most distressing sight when flushed, as the water tends to go around in a whirlpool for 30 sec. after you flush , before disappearing down the pipes then filling up again.

Once we had discussed the merits of watching loos empty, we went in search of excitement. The bar was the obvious place, since nothing of Honolulu could be discerned through the dark windows. (Did I mention it was 11:00 PM!). Finding the bar was no problem, it just involved a lot of walking through the seemingly endless corridor running the length of the terminal.

Once there, we ordered. Maree had a lemonade, and I had a "Budweiser". I also forgot to tip. Being used to strangers from other countries arriving at extremely late hours, the barman didn't hold my lack of generosity against me, which was fortunate for me. We sat talking to a lady from Canada while we had our drinks, and then went off to see the rest of the terminal. We had to, the bar was closing.

Souvenir shopping was on the agenda. We found a little souvenir shop which wasn't closed yet, and bought a couple of things to prove we had been to Hawaii. (well, the airport at least). I found a vending machine which caught my eye.

This is a good place to explain a small point. Maree and I had gained our knowledge of American culture (to a limited extent) from a couple of mutual acquaintances of ours. Their names were Magid - Mag (pronounced "madge") for short) and Nona, his mother. They were wholly American, even though living in Australia. They would get parcels of American food sent to them by relatives in the states, and lived a transplanted American lifestyle in their home in Oz. (we thought they ate a bit too much, however we'll get to that soon.)

Anyhow, One of the things Mag had sent to him on a regular basis was a powdered drink called "Hawaiian Punch". When made up it was vile red in colour, but tasted nice. The vending machine which caught my eye was selling cans of said drink, so I thought I'd buy one and get a real taste of the USA. I inserted a $1 note, and the machine obligingly spat out my can, and a Quarter (25c).

It came out of a vending machine....it was in a soft drink can....I assumed it was fizzy..... The can opened with no telltale hiss, but I didn't notice. I did, however, when I took my first sip! I thought it was still nice, but I had expected something with a little fizz!

The haul to SanFrancisco was the hardest for me as I had now had a taste of the USA and was ready for more. The fact that the trip was to take 5 hours and I had to try to sleep didn't help, either. At last, though, we approached the city of SanFrancisco in the early morning light, which brightened quickly.

[lashbear]

We touched down on that foreign shore at 10:30am...the same day as we had left Sydney. It was strange arriving 1 hour and fifteen minutes before we left! The minute we cleared customs we went to look for the shuttle that was to take us to the hotel. Once we found it, we gave our voucher to the driver and got in. The driver sounded uncannily like Mag, but we were soon to discover that most Californians sounded like him.
The hotel was a very nice looking one, close to the heart of the city. Once we had checked in, the porter brought our luggage up to the room. He showed us where everything was, ie. the TV etc. and left with a tip (I remembered this time.) On using the bathroom, I discovered the lights didn't work, so we called down to the desk and they sent the porter up to move us from our 6th floor room to one on the 4th floor. (he got no tip this time...on purpose) Having satisfied ourselves that all the amenities worked in this room, we had a shower to rid ourselves of the grotty, yucky feeling that a long plane trip leaves you with. We then set off on our first day's explorations.

Fisherman's Wharf was the first "Port" of call. We got there on a cable car. This had to be the most fun form of transport that I had ever been on. On our way up, down and around the many hills of the city I hung on for grim death to the outside of the little trolley. We recognised many sights seen in various TV shows and movies, and at last we arrived in the wharf area.

Once there, we walked along the main road that runs along the many piers. We decided to have a look at the MovielandWaxMuseum. It was very good, but Maree was not impressed by the chamber of horrors. I tiptoed through it cautiously, and wasn't too scared. Once outside, however, we decided against going in the "Haunted Gold Mine." We decided to have lunch instead.

The most logical thing to eat,of course, was seafood. We each got a serving of Fisherman's Wharf 's famous clam chowder, served in a bowl made of one of SanFrancisco's most famous foods...Sourdough Bread. The chowder was delicious, and instead of throwing the bowl away we ate it!. Once that was done, we got on a cable car to go to Maceys in order to do some "Californian Window Shopping".

Maceys seemed expensive at first glance, but this was owing to our having arrived through the "Designer Label" section of the clothing department. We soon discovered that the rest of the store was reasonably priced. Maree bought a hair-drier and I bought some munchies and schnapps. Alcohol and food prices were very cheap.
We caught the cable car again, and I hung off the side risking both life and bum as the traffic tended to park out from the curb a bit!

We went back to the hotel again, but on the way I tried to phone home....no-one there. The phone system is so different to what I am used to, that I couldn't tell if there was nobody there, or if I mucked up the call myself.

Once back at the hotel, I had a few drinks at the hotel's bar, then we went out for dinner. We ate at a restaurant called "Momma's". I had a beef & vegetable dish, while Maree had Veal Marsala. The water arrived with the meal just like we heard, and so that wasn't a disappointment.
We left the restaurant, then we went back to the hotel, where Maree went to bed, and I stayed up for a few drinks with a lovely dutch couple. I got in LATE and maree wrote the day's diary with me dictating, as I was too drunk to write.

[JWBear]

More, more!

[blueerica]

Yes!

[Alex]

It is always interesting to see the mundane things that strike people from outside the culture as comment worthy.

[wendybeth]

I love seeing America this way. It's much more interesting than traveling it yourself, and less expensive!

(Awesome stuff, Lash- keep it coming!)

[lashbear]

Originally Posted by Alex

It is always interesting to see the mundane things that strike people from outside the culture as comment worthy.

That's the thing that fascinated me too, re-reading it all these years later.
Tipping, Toilets, Mr coffee (that's coming up), water on the tables at restaurants... all of this classifies as culture shock to those not from the USA (not that we don't have toilets down here, mind)

[innerSpaceman]

Yes, but you don't have the kind that tips over, eh?



(I read the above without a comma, and wondered what a Tipping Toilet was!)

[lashbear]

DAY TWO...Saturday 30th November 1991


I awoke at 9:30 this morning, without the slightest trace of a hangover. I used the automatic timer "Mr Coffee Jr" to great advantage, then Maree eventually awoke (With me slurping coffee, the coffeemaker going "thwoik/splat/drip", and the refreshing smell of smoke, is it any wonder?). we got ourselves into gear then went down to breakfast, American style.

The restaurant/cafe downstairs was nicely decorated, and we settled down to read the menu. I decided to order Corned Beef Hash. It arrived, accompanied by home-fried potatoes and fried eggs! I was sure to have a high cholesterol count shortly after.

Having finished the meal and paid the inexpensive bill, we decided to go shopping. One of the largest stores in town was Emporium.

It was a grand store inside, and quite large. I spent a lot of the time looking for the toilet. When I finally found it (oh blessed relief) it was labelled the restroom (I should have known). I then discovered the most delicious drink known to the civilised world......Dr Pepper. This drink has a wonderful taste, not unlike sarsaparilla, and it is quite unique. I ended up drinking about 40 litres of it throughout the duration of the trip.

Once we had left the Emporium, we went over to STBS (SanFrancisco Ticket Booking Service), which was located at Union Square, to try and get tickets for "Beach Blanket Babylon" at Club Fugazi. It turned out that there were no tickets available until the middle of the next week......VERY popular show.

We went around the corner of Union Square, and were greeted by the sight of children playing in the snow. SNOW?! Yes, even though it was winter, the temperature never got below a very comfortable 15 degrees C. and so the city had provided a snow-making machine to provide a white christmas for everyone. We took some photos, and then at 11.30 headed down to the Cable-Car turnaround, to the Reebok shop.

I bought a pair of Weebocks for someone back home, and then we went to a discount electronic/souvenir shop. I had always wanted a Zippo lighter, and so I bought one. Maree bought a mini-cassette recorder for Barrie. We went out, and next door to the newsagent, where they filled my lighter for free, and I bought another bottle of Dr Pepper.

We retraced our steps, went to the cable-cars again, bought a ticket from the vending machine, and hopped on a cable-car (again) to return once more to Fisherman's Wharf. I had promised a friend of mine, Jo, that I would get her a pair of native American earrings. I found a stall set up outside one of the piers along the Embarcadero, which had the most beautiful Peacock feather earrings, so I bought a pair.

Heading to our left, once again, we headed for Pier 39. Once there, we went upstairs to see "The SanFrancisco Experience". This was a multi-media presentation, giving the history of the city, and including such highlights as the great earthquake, during which there was rumblings, fire and smoke, and showing you around all the areas with various lighting and sound effects to go with the projected pictures on the screen. In the foyer, there was a selection of antique coin-operated amusement machines. We tried some, and in one we had a penny pressed flat and stamped "SanFrancisco" as a souvenir. These machines abounded throughout our trip.

We went out into the sunshine again, and decided to look around the shops for an hour or so.

We went into "The Last Woundup", which was full of wind-up and batter-operated toys. There was a sign over the counter that proved that even the Americans have a sense of humour about themselves. It said; "Relax, if you break it, you don't have to pay for it - Feel free to play with the merchandise - eat, drink and be merry while in the shop - All our staff have been instructed NOT to tell you to 'have a nice day'".

"Kitty City" had an enormous range of merchandise, all themed around cats. "The Music Box Shop" sold - you guessed it - Music boxes. the sound while in the shop was magical, as there must have been 100 various music boxes going at any one time. We went into "The Carousel Shop" (where do they come up with these unusual names?) and looked at the carousel horses, memorabilia and recordings. I bought a tape of Marches played on a wurlitzer carousel organ.

[lashbear]

After that, it was time to sample our first American Hotdog. We went to the cart that stood in the centre of the wharf, and each ordered a "red-hot" (the original name for them when they were introduced at Coney Island by a young pie vendor named Charles Feldtman, who experimentally put a vienna sausage into a kaiser roll). Once the actual hotdog was in our hands, we were then faced with 1000 toppings to put on it like onions, mustard, catsup, pickles, cheese, olives, relish, and chutney.

We had laden our goodies onto the bun, and we were then faced with the problem of how to eat something 10 times the size of our mouths. We made a good go of it, and went to the double-decker carousel in the very centre of the pier.

The carousel is one of the main attractions at Pier 39. It is two stories tall, and was made in Vienna at the turn of the century. It was beautiful to watch, and we soon made short work of the hotdogs.

We then went to try on a pair of 501's. Neither could find a pair to fit, as one of us was too tall, and the other too short. (Can you guess which was which?). One of the most unusual shops we went into was called "SanFrancisco Country", and it specialised in all things that are cow-themed. There was a phone ("Reach out and milk someone") and aprons, pottery and everything you could imagine, all in the shape of cows, or patterned in the familiar black and white cow pattern.

We Went into a really "swinging" shop next....the Hammock shop. It had an array of hand made and commercial hammocks in all the colours of the rainbow. The name was again one of the less original ones, though. One shop that was original was "Design In motion". This was a shop full of kinetic artworks. I could have stayed there for hours watching the various pieces moving all over the place. After a bit more window-shopping we decided it was time for coffee.

We had been walking around for a while, and I was in need of something, so we went to the coffee shop on the top level of the two-story wharf. I ordered a "SanFrancisco blend" from the hundreds of different coffee blends available, and while waiting, I saw a range of flavouring drops to put in coffee. I chose Tia Maria flavour (Non-alcoholic, of course). Then the coffee arrived, and we went outside for me to have a smoke while I drank it.

It was lovely standing out on the top deck of the pier, drinking coffee and looking out across the moonlit harbour while the.......WAIT A MINUTE, did I say moonlit? Yes, our little "look around for an hour or so" had turned into an all-day window shopping spree! We didn't worry, but went onward, to the NFL shop.

I had promised to get a pigskin football for a friend, and so we went in to shop. The cheapest one was $100 (US!) and so I decided not to get one, as they wanted a few other things as well. We headed downstairs, where I had some fries from the burger cafe, then we hopped on a cable-car home again. On the way, we stopped in at Jack-in-the-box ("Hungry Jacks" to ozzies) where I got a chicken and mushroom sandwich (more like a burger than a sandwich), a seasoned curly fries and a small Dr Pepper for $5.82 (inc. tax) and Maree got a cheese burger and large fries for $2.00 (inc. tax).
Once we had bought that, we stopped in at walgreens, which is kind of like an all-night grocery store. (imagine 7-11 with a huge range of items. I wish we had these back home. we bought milk, 2 large bottles of Dr Pepper (guess who for?), a cherry-flavoured chapstick and a packet of cigarettes (which were only $2.10.) I went back and got an aerosol can of cheese. Yes, cheese in a can! it came out like sticky yellow spaghetti and you squirted it onto crackers. I bought some ritz (like our Jatz) crackers to go with it.

Gathering our goods and chattels, we headed back to the hotel room. There we were in for a surprise!

While we had been out on the town, the magic maids had been in our room and made the beds. That was no surprise, but they had also arranged all our stuff neatly, including all the loose change which had been thrown on the bedside table, which was now neatly stacked, all the bits and pieces that had been thrown on the floor were now folded, hung, placed just so, etc. What a shock.

We ate our dinner (mine garnished with squirty cheese) and then I freshened up and went to the bar in the lobby. Once I had gone, Maree had a bath and went to bed, but while she was asleep........

I met suzy, the barmaid, and her boyfriend downstairs. We chatted a bit, and I tried quite a few american beers. They all are mostly pretty tame. Suzy then introduced me to "hot shots". I had been bragging about the australian capacity for alcohol, and so far, it seemed the truth as suzy's boyfrfiend was keeping up with me drink for drink, and he was a lot worse off than I was. That was when suzy poured a couple of spirits in a glass, squished some lemon into it, then gave ma a salt shaker. This was a "Hot shot". it had Tequila, some sort of spicy Vodka and lemon juice in it, and you had to lick the salt and then swallow the drink. If you liked, you could suck a lemon wedge after, but the lemon in the drink was enough. WELL.......

after two of those (on the house) I was beginning to see more than one of everything! Anyhow.... the night was growing old, when suzy informed me that she was leaving soon to go to a party which was for the boss of the other nightclub where she also worked. Would I like to come along?

We hopped into her open top jeep, and took off to the border of chinatown. This was a japanese (I think) nightclub. The drinks and entertainment were free, so we were having a good time, but Suzy's boyfriend was getting tired, (at about 12.45am) and so they dropped me back to the hotel at 1.00am. I went upstairs, and chatted to maree until about 2.30, when we both fell asleep.