Advice request: How to do with stupid relatives? - Page 2

Strangler Lewis · 02-23-2009, 08:35 AM

I think Alex's advice was the right thing on the spur of the moment. For the long haul, however, unless these conflicts come up frequently, my recommendation is just to eat the sh*t they serve. This is your wife's family nonsense to sort out and stand up to, and if she's not going to do it, you'll just end up having a fight with your wife every time this comes up.

Not Afraid · 02-23-2009, 09:20 AM

You don't have to engage them in their craziness. Simply say "No, we're not available" and repeat as needed. Any other attempts they use to push buttons and get a response do not have to be acknowledged. Eventually - and it may take quite a while - they will get the point.

scaeagles · 02-23-2009, 09:59 AM

Strangler, I don't fight with the wife about it. She knows they are jerks but wants every thing to just "be OK" and wants her mom to be happy.

I think ignoring them is best, like you suggest, NA. We've tried that in the past, and then they cry to their mommy that we ignore them and the wife gets in trouble. Pretty ridiculous, but probably the best option.

wendybeth · 02-23-2009, 10:41 AM

'Ignore' is as useful an option in real life as it is online, and it often provides the same results. When they aren't able to engage you in their game, the brothers will eventually move on to someone else who will provide entertainment. Your wife really needs to be on board, though- if they can provoke her into feeling bad then they're still getting their twisted needs met. She should know it's okay to not go with the status quo if it's hurting her or anyone else- there is nothing wrong with growing up and refusing to play the old family roles, especially if you're the punching bag. I put my foot down after years of this kind of **** on both sides of my family, and after a period of adjustment things really did calm down. Now, everyone knows that if they want a family gathering, there will be no drama allowed.

Not Afraid · 02-23-2009, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scaeagles

I think ignoring them is best, like you suggest, NA. We've tried that in the past, and then they cry to their mommy that we ignore them and the wife gets in trouble. Pretty ridiculous, but probably the best option.

Gets in trouble? What's going to happen? Your wife will have to sit in a corner for 30 minutes? You are adults. You don't "get in trouble". If her Mom says something "motherly" to her about it, she can simply respond - "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. She doesn't have to either accept the feelings of others nor engage with the discussion. I know she cares about her mother's feelings - and there's nothing wrong with that, but she can care about her mom's feelings while still not engaging in the discussion.

scaeagles · 02-23-2009, 10:54 AM

I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease.

Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.

SacTown Chronic · 02-23-2009, 11:10 AM

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

Betty · 02-23-2009, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SacTown Chronic

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

I know I do...

Kevy Baby · 02-23-2009, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Not Afraid

You are adults. You don't "get in trouble".

Try not paying your taxes and see what happens.

Jazzman · 02-23-2009, 03:44 PM

Lay out what the rules are (i.e. if you want us to attend, reasonable notice is required, if you want us to chip in on things, reasonable notice is also required, etc. etc.) then go on to do as everyone else says and ignore their crap. If you don't draw the line in the sand, and draw it so that it is very obvious, then they're going to continue to walk all over you guys, regardless of how you do or don't ignore their games. We had a somewhat similar, though not nearly as serious, issue with The Wife's brother and his ex concerning his kids, and we tried the high road, ignore-them-and-don't-cause-drama path, and it was just as disastrous but in other new and irritating ways. Only after we laid out what was acceptable and what was not, then stuck to it, did they get the message. Some feelings were bruised for a short time, but when we didn't budge, ever, they eventually accepted it and things are fine now. And don't leave your wife to handle it because it's "her family." Being married means you're in it together, always; which of course you know.

Like I said, though, things weren't as severe for us as they are apparently for you guys, but the principle is the same; you can only be the victim if you don't defend yourself.

02-23-2009, 08:35 AM	#1
Strangler Lewis Doing The Job Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: In a state Posts: 3,956	I think Alex's advice was the right thing on the spur of the moment. For the long haul, however, unless these conflicts come up frequently, my recommendation is just to eat the sh*t they serve. This is your wife's family nonsense to sort out and stand up to, and if she's not going to do it, you'll just end up having a fight with your wife every time this comes up. __________________ Live now-pay later. Diner's Club!
	Submit to Quotes

02-23-2009, 09:20 AM	#2
Not Afraid HI! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 17,108	You don't have to engage them in their craziness. Simply say "No, we're not available" and repeat as needed. Any other attempts they use to push buttons and get a response do not have to be acknowledged. Eventually - and it may take quite a while - they will get the point.
	Submit to Quotes

02-23-2009, 09:59 AM	#3
scaeagles I LIKE! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,819	Strangler, I don't fight with the wife about it. She knows they are jerks but wants every thing to just "be OK" and wants her mom to be happy. I think ignoring them is best, like you suggest, NA. We've tried that in the past, and then they cry to their mommy that we ignore them and the wife gets in trouble. Pretty ridiculous, but probably the best option.
	Submit to Quotes

02-23-2009, 10:41 AM	#4
wendybeth Nevermind Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,847	'Ignore' is as useful an option in real life as it is online, and it often provides the same results. When they aren't able to engage you in their game, the brothers will eventually move on to someone else who will provide entertainment. Your wife really needs to be on board, though- if they can provoke her into feeling bad then they're still getting their twisted needs met. She should know it's okay to not go with the status quo if it's hurting her or anyone else- there is nothing wrong with growing up and refusing to play the old family roles, especially if you're the punching bag. I put my foot down after years of this kind of **** on both sides of my family, and after a period of adjustment things really did calm down. Now, everyone knows that if they want a family gathering, there will be no drama allowed. __________________
	Submit to Quotes

02-23-2009, 10:54 AM	#6
scaeagles I LIKE! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,819	I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease. Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.
	Submit to Quotes

02-23-2009, 11:10 AM	#7
SacTown Chronic the myth of the dream Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 2,217	Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking. __________________ Is it the fingers, or the brain that you're teaching a lesson?
	Submit to Quotes

02-23-2009, 03:44 PM	#10
Jazzman Sax God Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Portland's Tijuana Posts: 510	Lay out what the rules are (i.e. if you want us to attend, reasonable notice is required, if you want us to chip in on things, reasonable notice is also required, etc. etc.) then go on to do as everyone else says and ignore their crap. If you don't draw the line in the sand, and draw it so that it is very obvious, then they're going to continue to walk all over you guys, regardless of how you do or don't ignore their games. We had a somewhat similar, though not nearly as serious, issue with The Wife's brother and his ex concerning his kids, and we tried the high road, ignore-them-and-don't-cause-drama path, and it was just as disastrous but in other new and irritating ways. Only after we laid out what was acceptable and what was not, then stuck to it, did they get the message. Some feelings were bruised for a short time, but when we didn't budge, ever, they eventually accepted it and things are fine now. And don't leave your wife to handle it because it's "her family." Being married means you're in it together, always; which of course you know. Like I said, though, things weren't as severe for us as they are apparently for you guys, but the principle is the same; you can only be the victim if you don't defend yourself.
	Submit to Quotes

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