The Art of Moving On

[Gemini Cricket]

I need some advice.

I am a gay activist. To be more specific, I am a gay activist who is formerly Catholic. It is no secret that I am struggling with both aspects of my life. I've been struggling a lot. I don't consider myself Catholic but often I think like one. Sometimes I don't want to be gay, but I don't have a choice in the matter. So is life. It's hard.

A psychic (I don't know where I stand on that subject, I'll leave that for another thread) once told me that I have been on this planet for many lives. I'm an old soul that's sorting out being several people in the past. I've always loved that description of myself because sometimes it makes perfect sense to my imagination. Often, I do feel like I have my share of sorting to do. I'm 35 and I don't know who I am or what I want to do when I grow up.

Recently, I feel like I have come to a place where I want to put some calm into my torrential head and soul. I want to get to a place where I come to peace with my Catholic side and my Catholic upbringing and I want to accept myself completely as a gay man. But the Catholic Church infuriates me. So does the gay community.

The Catholic Church in Boston just halted all of their adoption services because they said the state was forcing them to place children with same-sex couples which is against their doctrine. Now these orphan children have been abandoned by the Church. (Welcome to the club, Kids!) Once again, my sexuality is being paraded around by the Church as being immoral and depraved. Nice. But if I say something, the response is 'We're just expressing our religious freedoms, don't pick on us. We're innocent.'

One side of me was once really in love with the Church. As a kid, I loved hearing the stories, I marvelled at church architecture, enjoyed Xmas midnight mass and always pictured Jesus as the ultimate rebel. I loved a lot of the priests and nuns who taught me. BUT there's this dark side of me that says, why should I respect the Catholic Church at all? Your anti-gay actions are based on folklore and fairytales. You're all a bunch of hypocritical pedophiles who are telling me I'm going to hell. You're a bunch of closeted gays who are telling me being myself is wrong.

AND

Millions of dollars are being thrown at gay organizations around the country. Great. But what exactly are they doing for me? For Ralphie? From where I sit, it doesn't seem like a hell of a whole lot. But we should donate to them. Hmm, really? Brandon Teena's killer, who is serving a life sentence in prison, is getting married in jail to his girlfriend. He's going to receive a federally recognized union. This murderer who took away Teena's life. Teena, who couldn't have gotten married to his girlfriend he loved because he was born a girl. Does this make any sense to anyone? But no one in the leadership of gay rights organizations are saying a damn thing about it.

So...

How does one move on? How does one come to peace with a community that is hurtful? How does one come to peace with himself?

These are good questions that I don't have the answers to.