February 17, 2005

[Mousey Girl]

At 36 I find myself pondering, am I really 36? I don't act like other 36 yr olds I know...but then just how am I supposed to act. I don't feel like a mom either. I know that I am, but yet, I don't feel like it. Even when I have a houseful of other people's kids I don't feel at all momish. They flock to my house, to play, to talk, to be kids and be noticed. I enjoy doing all of those things. They are good kids. Do their parents not do that for them? Am I filling a void for these seekers of guidance? Am I up for that task? Why do I feel guilty for turning 2 of these creatures away in the rain?

My mom is now 67. I do not see her as old. She has lived a long, and not always good life. Her stories of her youth make me realize she never had a childhood. I have her to thank for most of my views on life. As she has gotten older I have watched her outlooks change and become more narrow. It is scarry. Will I become bitter in my old age?