Ponine's Corner

[Ponine]

Main Entry: ex·pec·ta·tion
Pronunciation: "ek-"spek-'tA-sh&n, ik-
Function: noun
1 : the act or state of expecting : ANTICIPATION <in expectation of what would happen>
2 a : something expected <not up to expectations> <expectations for an economic recovery> b : basis for expecting : ASSURANCE <they have every expectation of success> c : prospects of inheritance -- usually used in plural
3 : the state of being expected

Main Entry: ex·pect
Pronunciation: ik-'spekt
Function: verb
Etymology: Latin exspectare to look forward to, from ex- + spectare to look at, frequentative of specere to look -- more at SPY
1 archaic : AWAIT
2 : to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of <we expect them any minute now> <expected a telephone call>
3 : SUPPOSE, THINK
4 a : to consider probable or certain <expect to be forgiven> <expect that things will improve> b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary <expected hard work from the students> c : to consider bound in duty or obligated <they expect you to pay your bills>

There's a reason I don't have expectations,
Or at least a reason I try not to.

If I expect, I set myself up to be hurt.
I don't need the extra help.

If I expect, the world can disappoint.
It doesn't need the extra help.

Why is it then that even as I try not to have expectations,
I somehow still do?

I long for many things.
I anticipate a great many more.
I however foresee none.

I hope, for things I think that others may expect.

I hope,
For the unsolicited "I like you",
and for the intimate touch of a loved one.

I cherish;
Moments I feel worthy of love,
Hearing someone say they think me worthy,
Times when I feel safe,
and hours when I can just be me.

I dream;
Of moments without rules or restrictions.
That a time will come where I don't care who's watching,
Of a future where I don't live behind a smokescreen.

I don't expect any of these things.
To expect I would feel loss if they did not happen.

Without the expectation,
I feel joy when they do.

Never the less,
Occasionally, expectation creeps in.
And every time, that expectation raises it fur, and strikes a death blow to the heart.
I can't expect. I won't.

I dream, hope, fancy, and long for.
And with all I am, I cherish what I am given.

[Ponine]

I have been reflecting upon an email/reply that a LoT'r sent to me, that I have never truly had the nerve to answer.
She was so open with her opinions, but I couldnt, at the time, be as open as she.
But, regardless, I have been thinking about many things she said, and trying to formulate a response.. being that the topic of the email was sex..

It was this whole thing on how people percieve it, and where they stand.
My knowledge was limited in a great many ways.
Emotionally and in a sense physically... but I own a library card, and I can drive to the bookstore, so I examined other opinions.

I dont have an answer for her yet.. but I did realize something for myself... the opinions that I have, the perceptions I have had in my life, or the way I say "I was trained" ,

Sex was a currency.

Not a gift, not a toy, a pleasure, a currency.

Odd. And for me, somewhat profound. I just had to voice that.