*sigh* teenagers

[BarTopDancer]

Sand is not a lubricant.

[Nephythys]

Ok- here is my "plan"- thus far....

First a conversation with him to discuss:
-Risks
*pregnancy
*STD's
*Risks to her
-If he cares about her, as he says he does, he would not put her health and future at
risk by continuing with this behavior.

-Rules in the house
*Open/unlocked door policy- subject to surprise visits at any time
*Violations will lead to more restrictions
*There will be NO sex in my house
-If he wants to continue this he can move out at 18 and get on with his adult life

I am gathering information- her full name, hopefully some into on her parents (they live near mine)- and if the discussion with him yields poor results I will talk to her as well-then escalate to parents.

I am unprepared to go running to her parents immediately- but it is an option as well. One I need to prepare myself to take.

Something occurred to me that I missed last night when I was upset-I was taking my daughter to her grandparents to spend the night- and his GF lives near them but she would not allow me to take her home and they acted suspicious about it all. I suspect they did not want me to take her home because her parents may either not know where she is, or may not approve of my son for some reason- maybe this one- I don't know.

[Morrigoon]

Ahh... now there's an interesting point

[BarTopDancer]

Sounds like a great plan Nyphy!

One of the best things (now) that a boyfriends parents ever did was speak to my parents before I was allowed in the house. Even though they had a "stay in the public areas rule" they still wanted to know that my parents knew where I was. Either they spoke before I came over or if I came over after school they would call my mom at work.

[Strangler Lewis]

Personally, I plan on a huge double standard between my son and daughter.

I think.

As to your son--and here's the lawyer talking--the most important thing you can do is find out how old the girl is. There are some jawdropping statutory rape laws on the books in this country, some of which mandate trial as an adult and lengthy prison sentences.

[Nephythys]

Originally Posted by Strangler Lewis

Personally, I plan on a huge double standard between my son and daughter.

I think.

As to your son--and here's the lawyer talking--the most important thing you can do is find out how old the girl is. There are some jawdropping statutory rape laws on the books in this country, some of which mandate trial as an adult and lengthy prison sentences.

Colorado

The unfettered age of consent in Colorado is 17, however there exist in the legislation close in age exceptions which allow those at least 15 and less than 17 to engage in acts with those less than ten years older.
18-3-402(1) Any actor who knowingly inflicts sexual intrusion or sexual penetration on a victim commits sexual assault if: (d) At the time of the commission of the act, the victim is less than fifteen years of age and the actor is at least four years older than the victim and is not the spouse of the victim; or (e) At the time of the commission of the act, the victim is at least fifteen years of age but less than seventeen years of age and the actor is at least ten years older than the victim and is not the spouse of the victim

right now she is 16, he is 17-legal. She will turn 17 the same month he turns 18- still legal

My dad is a lawyer- I get the lawyer thing

[RStar]

Originally Posted by Nephythys

* His door stays open and or unlocked when she comes over and the family (any of us) are in the house. His privacy is subject to being invaded at any time- and should it be otherwise or he violates his word that it won't happen again then he can count on people barging in.

*Should this continue in a manner that disrupts the household then she either can not come over (which I do not want to do) or I take other action- like removing his door completely, or talking to her parents.

This is a great start. I would further define the beedroom door policy. "Open" only if I we you. I think not going completely bullistic, going to her parents and all helps gain his trust. If you trust him, give him the shot with these rules. Write them down, and have him sign it as well. This solidifies the rules. The thing is, you can't be there 24/7 and teens will do what they want when no one is around to watch them. If they know the rules, they can't argue with the punishment when they get caught, and they now where the boundries are.

Then just go on with your life......

Originally Posted by Nephythys

Ok- here is my "plan"- thus far....

First a conversation with him to discuss:
-Risks
*pregnancy
*STD's
*Risks to her
-If he cares about her, as he says he does, he would not put her health and future at
risk by continuing with this behavior.

-Rules in the house
*Open/unlocked door policy- subject to surprise visits at any time
*Violations will lead to more restrictions
*There will be NO sex in my house
-If he wants to continue this he can move out at 18 and get on with his adult life

I'm sure she was suppose to be somewhere else with someone else.

These rules are great. But I think I would go one step further. I didn't know for years that my son was doing drugs/alcohol/ciggarets. It might be a good idea (if you do write them down) to add all rules like the drugs, alcohol, and curfue if any, chores, school work, general behavior, etc.

Tell him you love him, but you were dissapointed in his behavior. He knows it was wrong because it said he'd never do it again. My guess is that is was not the first time, and it won't be the last. At least if you let him know the rules, you've done your job and anything that happends is his fault.

[Nephythys]

He's on parole- all those other issues are covered and duplicated already

[Kevy Baby]

Originally Posted by Nephythys

I don't see how I am encouraging him by not going up and causing a fight. I chose to approach it quietly after she was gone. He was mortified- and said it would NOT happen again. If it does- I step up my level of intervention.

Actually, in reading this whole thread, I believe you have reacted beautifully! It is a very difficult situation for you. I think most of us know the history you've had with D and in reading how you have handled this, I can honestly say that I see TREMENDOUS growth in you from just a couple of years ago. Kudos to you!!!

[BarTopDancer]

Only on LoT can a group of non parents dispense advice about a situation involving kids to a parent and not be ridiculed/talked down to because they don't have kids.

Cool.

And people say LoT is snobby/pretentious.