Inspiration?

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Bored. Bored bored bored.

I stretched my aching arms and massaged my wrists. A look at the clock snapped me to immediacy - 7:22pm. I glanced around the room lit only with monitor light, realizing that the sun had set while I was playing. How long ago? Two minutes, one hour? "Online Gaming: A True Virtual Reality," I said aloud as I flipped on a light switch.

My conscience grumbled as I stepped carefully over clothes and books to reach the doorway. I could hear my own mind making the usual excuses in retort. I had to level today, otherwise I'd never catch up to Jacqueline.

So fine, got that done, as if it were mailing a payment or sweeping the steps. I can cross that off my list. I snickered at the empty condo.

Walking through the hall turning on lights, I headed for the living room. Fell into the couch knowing I didn't want to watch anything. Glanced at the stereo knowing I didn't want to hear anything. I stared at the wall and soaked up the silence.

Now what? Now what? A repetitive, nagging thought.

Now what?

I'd had my sugary snack to tide me until late dinner. I'd done my homework, at least the pre-lunch classes. I'd checked my email and my message boards and instant messenger. I'd said goodnight to my girlfriend.

I stared at the wall in the empty house, waiting. Vision blurred and thought slowed. I felt present elsewhere...my bedroom with the obstacle course floor...the bathroom with its soap residue white on the glass door...the cold kitchen, barely used.

I'd always felt independent on Mom's late nights. I did my own thing. I'd felt grown up and mature. I could game or chat or watch whatever I wanted on TV. Sometimes I'd make some mac 'n cheese just to prove I could. Being 16 wasn't a bad set-up with my Mom. She trusted me, and I didn't mind acting Man of the House at all.

But tonight...tonight was dark. When the hell did the sun set, anyway? It seemed extra dark. I thought of getting back on the computer and connecting with someone, anyone...but I didn't move.

I stared at the wall and heard my own breathing.

Where was she? Where was my mother? Why was I alone? So many nights of late dinners and rushed good nights. So few moments of genuine smiles and heartfelt exchanges. Why was I alone?

It wasn't late. She was on her way. There was no reason to worry. But awareness flooded in with images of carjackers and drunk drivers and brake failure. Images of working at a register and coming home to my own empty condo. Images of being responsible for sending the checks on time and getting the kids to school. Images of reaping frustration from crops sown in haste. Of never seeing London and being lucky if you see the beach. Of dodging disaster and planning ahead and dealing with assholes and choking down unfairness.

Then, the roaring in my head ceased.

Now what?

I rose. I stepped into the kitchen. I put away clean dishes and washed dirty ones. I heated cans of soup and made turkey sandwiches with as many fixings as we had. I worked quickly and carefully.

I heard the key in the lock.

I thought of Mom eating a halfway decent meal after a hard day's work. I thought of smiling and laughing with her as she ate. I thought of giving her a hug.

I thought of connecting with a fellow human in this harsh world and being of comfort.

At that moment, I realized I was a grown-up.