Attack of the Clones rant, revisited.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Yes, I put this in the Parking LoT. If there's any topic that intrudes on my groove, it's this movie.

I threw this on our netflix queue when I realized that we'd only seen it once 3 years ago and Ep III was coming out soon. I definitely needed a refresher if I was to see the new one. Guess what? I was refreshed all right - now I am once again completely livid. All the cautious optimism I got from the Ep III trailer is now gone.

This movie is poorly written, poorly acted, poorly directed. I've seen B movies with better pacing and tons more emotion.

Oh, where to start...

Natalie Portman is a horrid actress. Hayden Christensen is just as bad. Their arms barely move, their faces do not change. The only bits of Hayden's that I believe is the anger - ok, yeah, he looks mad. His sadness isn't there very much at all, and the all important conflict is totally non-existant. Oh, he utters the couple of lines that are supposed to belie his conflict, but you sure as hell don't believe he's going through anything.

I don't believe any of their romance. Why do they love each other? The scenes where they "fall in love" are utterly uncharming. These people are NOT special. They are supposed to be the most special people in the universe and they are totally not intriguing. The bits that are supposed to be cute are the same as in every other romantic moment in every other movie ever made.

Portman telling them they cannot love each other...she may as well be on stage in a high school production. Actually, no, fvck that, I won't insult high school productions that way. No frustration, no sadness, nothing. Just robotic delivery of "we can't do this" lines. The Romeo/Juliet aspect is completely stolen and manufactured and unoriginal.

My god, can I rant about Threepio and Artoo for a moment? Things were ok with both of them for the first large chunk of the movie. Some somewhat good interaction, just like the old days. Then Threepio becomes the Jar Jar of the movie with a completely pointless added plot involving him in pratfall bullsh!t. He is reduced to the absolute worst one liners in SW history, with terrible puns and jokes that only detract from the somewhat cool battle going on behind him. "This is such a drag"? "I'm beside myself"? It was so very sad. I just found an online copy of a script and none of those terrible lines are in there, so I'm wondering how they could have been added to an already overlong, bloated, slow paced film.

Suddenly Artoo can fly? Does he lose that ability when they wipe everyone's memories so that everything can make sense? Oh, and did Lucas dub all the Stormtroopers' dialog in the Trilogy so they have the distinct accent that Jango Fett does? Do all the clones learn English from a model on Jango's accent? Otherwise why would they talk that way? And how come Stormtroopers are different heights and girths?

Why oh why did he have to dig himself holes he couldn't get himself out of??

Speaking of him, I swear, I can't believe he didn't hand over the reins to someone else. What an ass. The directing is horrible. The whole movie is filled with talking heads. Talking heads walking, wipe, talking heads sitting, wipe, talking heads walking some more. Just because stuff is zipping around in the background doesn't make it enthralling. It's still a goddamn conference. Watch the OT again and notice that nothing happens in a stationary manner, except ACTUAL meetings on attack plans. Exposition occurs during events! Action pushes the story forward!

Yes, there are good action sequences, but that is all that they are. It's just like the difference between a good and bad musical. Good musical, the music moves the story. Bad musical - everyone stops and sings and you don't learn anything new about the characters or events. Anakin and Padme are stuck in a factory and the story STOPS. Anakin and Obi-Wan chase the hired assassin for far too long and the story STOPS. All the Jedi and clones chase Dooku in helicopter things for far too long and the story STOPS. Think on it - what moves the story is the boring talking heads part. Sad.

Yeah, we finally see Yoda fight. And it's bad ass. The part where they use the Force is rather awesome. But the actual saber fight just felt like "insert fight here". Yes, I wanted to see it. But in seeing it....eh. Definitely anti-climactic. Especially since Dooku matches him pretty well. Bummer for Yoda fans.

I think some of the worst offenses to the franchise involve undermining everything special about the OT. We learn that Dooku is Yoda's former Padawan. So Obi-Wan screwing up Anakin isn't as big a deal as we thought it was. Apparently even Master Yoda can fvck that up. Jango Fett leads Obi-Wan into an asteriod field to lose him. When Han Solo does the same, it's treated as if it's a move no one ever does, that it's insanity, and only a pilot as amazingly skilled as Han would try it. Now it's not special anymore. Reusing ideas is an even worse offense in cases like these.

Speaking of anti-climactic, all through Phantom Menace they hint over and over that Ani's love for his mother is his weakness. Alrighty, said we SW fans collectively, he'll lose his mom, then he'll go dark. Well, his mom dies, and what does he do? He kills a bunch of Tusken Raiders. That's it. Yeah, it's his first act in cold blood, but BFD. Total and complete letdown. So I guess it's not his mom that's his ultimate weakness? Sigh.

So are we going to find out that Amidala has extra midichlorians in her bloodstream? She does a few ridiculous feats in the arena bit. Jump down from that pole onto the back of an animal? Isn't she supposed to be human? It's like they forget who's Jedi and who's not. How come a Jedi can't use the
Force to undo handcuffs that Amidala can pick open??

Even the boring talking heads parts make very little sense. Palpatine gets everyone to talk in front of Jar Jar about voting him emergency powers. They say "the Senate won't support getting an army together, but they'll support giving the Chancellor emergency powers to get an army together." Huh? And then Jar Jar mentions the idea to the Senate, and without a vote, Palpy starts weilding the power.

And how aggravating is it that the Jedi talk the entire movie like they're Counselor Troi? "The Dark Side clouds everything." I know that all this has to go down without them figuring it out and stopping it, but still, making them all seem completely impotent and pointless makes no sense. Better would be to make them aware of what's up yet thwarted in attempts to right the wrongs. I know the intent is to make Sidious/Palpatine look like the smartest, most conniving, most strong in the Dark Side son of a bitch we've ever seen, but come on!

Once again, all the technology is TOTALLY different than in the OT. We're not talking 50 years away here, it's less than 20 at this point. And so much of it is versatility that the OT lacks. Seriously, if you want to make up solar-sails and detachable hyperspace rings, MAKE A SEQUEL far in the future. Otherwise, tell your concept artists and CG renderers to draw more Tie-fighters and Correllian cruisers.

The only somewhat enjoyable thing is this drek is Ewan McGregor. This time around I really noticed the work he'd put into the character, at least during the most palatable section of the movie, the first 15 min or so. He is very much like Alec Guiness and I believe what I heard about him studying Guiness' acting in various movies for this role. Yet, the script/direction problems end up destroying him too, as he's reduced to a crime solver for most of the movie.

I swear, I tried so hard to enjoy this movie. The banter between Obi-Wan and his headstrong Padawan wasn't so bad in the beginning. Watching lots of Jedi fight was cool (ignoring Threepio's sad decline). Watching Anakin use his powers for fun and want to rule the universe was alright (although he seems to say such things too many times). But that's about it for the good parts.

Yeah, I woke up way too early today for no reason.

Anyway, I'm mad all over again (really?) and I'm so goddamned pissed that I'm going to fork over at least 7 bucks to see the next movie. I can't possibly see any decent end to this travesty. I had more hope for Matrix III.



If you read this whole thing, I'm sorry.

[mousepod]

Ok - I read the whole thing. I've had similar feelings (albeit with a little less vitriol) for the last couple of weeks. We're going setting ourselves up for a letdown. Again. Luckily, this is the last time Mr. Lucas is going to get away with it (until 2007 when he wheels out the 3-D versions). My advice: before heading out to the theater to see EP III, pop in a copy of the Holiday Special. Remind yourself what GL did to the franchise before the second (and best) installment even came out. Then, in the words of The Tibetan Book of the Dead (as filtered through John Lennon), "Turn off your mind. Relax and float downstream."

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by mousepod

My advice: before heading out to the theater to see EP III, pop in a copy of the Holiday Special. Remind yourself what GL did to the franchise before the second (and best) installment even came out. Then, in the words of The Tibetan Book of the Dead (as filtered through John Lennon), "Turn off your mind. Relax and float downstream."

I feel better already! Thanks for the wise words. A good Beatles quote always makes me feel better...

[Kevy Baby]

Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

[Name]

I want to jump on the yoda thing and rant a bit about that. Because I always pictured yoda as a zen master, and a calm cool cat. I was shocked when he started jumping around in a frenzy while fighting Dooku. I figured he would have a more Kung Fu fighting style that was far more zen like, and a lot calmer. Anyway, that fight just killed my idea of yoda, the zen master, forever. And I am sad.

[Isaac]

I'm not a huge fan of the Star Wars series but I enjoy the films. I knew that making a sequel/prequel to a 20 year old trilogy would not live up to expectations. So when I went to see The Phantom Menace & Attack Of The Clones I went into the theater expecting nothing more than the backstory of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. I knew the new films would be disappointing if I expected the impossible (to make a good sequel to a hit movie) so I went in with no expectations. As a result, I enjoyed the films and had no problems. It's silly to expect a sequel 20 years after the first film was made to be as good or better than the original. Just go to the theater expecting a science fiction story that explains how Anakin became evil and you'll be satisfied. That's my 2 cents.

[Kevy Baby]

Originally Posted by zapppop

That's my 2 cents.

And a damn fine $0.02 it is. Good approach Zap!

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by zapppop

Just go to the theater expecting a science fiction story that explains how Anakin became evil and you'll be satisfied. That's my 2 cents.

Even if I take it from that limited POV I'm still not satisfied. Anakin was completely unbelievable. We have to believe in his conflict. Don't say that "it's just a sci-fi story" so the acting doesn't have to be good. He's supposed to be a passionate person - the most passionate in the galaxy - and his performance is important.

That said, I have no problem with lame popcorn movies (sci-fi or not) only good for a theater viewing only because the effects are good. Sadly enough, this movie does not qualify for that, as even the action sequences seem long and pointless. I'd say as an action popcorn flick I had more fun seeing Troy.

Yes, I hold these movies up to higher standard. They are portrayed as the new trilogy, supposedly on par with the last. I simply expect to get what they are pretending to deliver.

[FEJ]

Originally Posted by Name

I want to jump on the yoda thing and rant a bit about that. Because I always pictured yoda as a zen master, and a calm cool cat. I was shocked when he started jumping around in a frenzy while fighting Dooku. I figured he would have a more Kung Fu fighting style that was far more zen like, and a lot calmer. Anyway, that fight just killed my idea of yoda, the zen master, forever. And I am sad.

I actually liked this part.
One: it shows that everyone has it in them to fight, even the best zen masters. And in that fight, he does chose saving the twoyoung Jedi versus getting Dooku.
Two: you always see oda barely moving, or even using a levitating sled to keep up with the larger species. Then he is kicking ass versus Dooku. once it is over, he is back tobarely moving. The true master conserving energy until it is absolutly needed.
Three: it was that primal "go Yoda, kick his butt" reaction that got the crowd going.

I also agree with Zapp. If I wanted to be nitpicky (which I have) on how it is not IV or V, then I am going to be disapointed. I find at least something in every new movie that I do like. and am entertained none the less by figuring out the way that GL is going to connect the story. Yes, there is hokiness, nut loook at most Disney movies. they use the same formula also, and we like a majorrity of them.

I guess it comes down to this: We can bitch all we want, but its not our story, nor our franchise. Are we mad because we have invested som much into this and now are mad because in all this time, we have written our own story? If so, maybe we need to go do that and see how or story goes after 20 years and all the money, etc...



Or we can go and try to lose ourselves in a movie for a couple hours, then a couple more when the DVD with the extras come out.


Our expectations can make or ruin the outcome for each of us.

[Ghoulish Delight]

But they are bad movies, original trilogy or not. I actually like the story so far, especially in Episode II. It's what Lucas always did best, story. But the screenplay sucks. The dialog sucks. The action sucks. And the acting is abismal (not helped by poor direction). If it were just a matter of "not living up to the originals", then it'd be the story I'd complain about. But the story is good. It's the movie itself that has serious flaws.

I mean, could Christiansen be ANY more wooden? He made Natalie Portman look like Jim Carey in terms of emoting. And, as CP pointed out, there was just scene after scene of him talking with closeups of his non-expressions. So unnecessary.

I've said it a million times. Lucas is a great story writer, and that's it. He really should have left the screenplay and direction to someone with actual talent in those areas. The man just can't write dialog, and his contempt for actors is legendary, so it's not exactly surprising that he doesn't inspire great performances. Heck, even A New Hope suffers from some bad lines and poor direction, but its breakthrough nature and supreme originality more than compensates. These movies don't have that luxury. He was smart enough to hand the reins off for Empire and Jedi. He should have done the same for these.