A Mother of a Phone Call

[Gemini Cricket]

I can't believe I forgot to share this story with y'all. A belated Mother's Day tale.


True story.


So, every so often, my mom and I do a book exchange with each other. If there's a book she wants me to read that she just finished, she mails it to me and vice versa.
Chernabog, being the wonderful guy he is, got me a book for my birthday called "Hollywood's Leading Ladies" or something to that effect. It chronicles the grand actresses of the 30's, 40's and 50's. It has great pics and short write-ups about each one. Kate Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Bette Davis, Joan Crawford etc.
After I finished with it, I mailed it to my mom in Hawai'i. She's a huge fan of black and white movie divas. In fact, she's the one who really got me into movies of that time.
So, about a week passes and my mom gives me a call.
"Hi, Brad."
"Hi! What's up?"
"I got your book in the mail today." She said.
"Cool. Did you read it yet? It's great."
"Uh... well, I have to ask you something about your book." She said. She was being very hesitant about the whole thing. Her voice sounded very weird.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, there was a card in the book." She told me.
The room kinda spun. It was Cherny's birthday card to me that I had left in the book's inner flap. I turned kinda white.
"Oh?" I said playing dumb.
The card had a vintage 50's picture on the front of it. It was of a business man at his desk, clutching his pipe. He had a cheesy smile for the camera. The front of the card said nothing. The inside however...
Here's what it said:

I heard it was your birthday, so I shaved my balls for the occasion.

and it was signed:

"To Brad, my favorite leading lady. Love, [Cherny]."

I started to laugh.
Now you've heard stories about my mom. She's very, very conservative. Like my friend Emily said: the only liberal thing she has ever done was sit on the left side of her church.
"Uh," My mom said. "Is this Cherny your friend?!"
"Yes, Mom. He is. He's one of my best friends." I said.
"Well, he doesn't sound like a friend of yours. Why would he send this card to you?"
"Well-"
"And why would a man do that to himself?! Shave his..." She let the rest of the sentence go.
"Mom, it's called manscaping." I tried to explain.
"Well, the picture is very old. I don't think this man actually said that. People didn't do that in the 50's." She told me.
"No, it's a funny card, Mom. It's supposed to be kinda ironic..."
"How would anyone shave their testicles anyway?" She asked. "It would be difficult, I imagine."
"I don't know..."
"Do you-"
"MOM! We're not having this discussion." I stopped her.
"Well, I know things about stuff like that." She said. "In fact, did you know how Jean Harlow died?"
I was puzzled now.
"Her husband beat her." She said. "Apparently, she and her husband didn't consummate their relationship until their wedding night. She didn't see him naked until then. When he undressed and she saw how small his penis was, she started laughing. Then he tried to put a strap-on on to..."
"Uh, okay, Mom, I get it." I said.
"Well, that made her laugh even more. And then he beat her up for laughing at her. He beat her kidneys and she died from complications from that a year later or so." She said.
"Did he beat her with the strap on?" I asked her.
"Brad!" She scolded me. "Such a question... I don't know." She paused as if she was thinking about the possibility. "I don't think so."
I could not believe that I was talking to my mother about nut shaving, strap-ons and small penises. Seriously, it would be like talking about dildo shapes with the Queen of England. Oy.
Anyway, I decided to wind up the conversation because it was so damned odd. So, I said, "You know, Mom, you could just throw that card out. It was just a funny birthday car-"
"Oh no." She said. "I'm keeping this card."
"What?!" I was stunned.
"I'm going to use it for blackmail." She cackled.
I laughed.
"You wait until your grandma sees this." She said.
We had a good laugh.
I hung up the phone and had a laughing fit for about a half hour or so. Soon after that, I called Cherny and left him a message on his cellphone:
"Hi, it's Brad. You would never guess what happened to me today. And it was all because of you, you b!tch." I said. "Call me back, you don't want to miss this story..."

Cherny can tell us all his reaction when he gets back from his cruise.

[CoasterMatt]

GREATEST PHONE CALL. EVER.

Visible Mojo to GC and his mom

[lashbear]

Is this real, or should this have been posted in the "Open Mic" section?

If it's not a short story, it sure as hell should be !!

[wendybeth]

Lol! I can't wait to hear Cherny's side of this.....

(Manscaping? Does that involve wax? Sounds potentially painful).

[Motorboat Cruiser]

What a great story!

Thanks, I needed the laugh.

[~MS~]

Ok now That made me giggle! What a long way from the young man I met on MP so long ago! I love it.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Can't mojo you. Hilarious. You seemed to handle it very well!

[Gemini Cricket]

Originally Posted by lashbear

Is this real, or should this have been posted in the "Open Mic" section?

If it's not a short story, it sure as hell should be !!

This is a true story. Honestly.

[Ghoulish Delight]

OMFG. Yeah, that trumps my mom making a foreplay joke during Mother's Day.

[Snowflake]

Effing hilarious!