The Un-Interview

[Ghoulish Delight]

1) Where could I find the cheapest box of corn flakes around AND an Adolf Hitler action figure?

2) Hey, I think this pit of quicksand has a bottom, don't you?

3) Have you tried the mashed potato flavored soda yet?

4) Geez, what did you sit in?!

5) Wanna go crusin' in Compton at midnight?

6) C'mon, it'll be fun! A case of beer, banana scented cologn, and a video camera. What could go wrong?

7) What do you think of your new feeding tube?

8) Okay, I understand why you pushed him down the stairs, but did you have to throw the leftovers on him too? I was going to have that for lunch.

[Matterhorn Fan]

Q: So, the Tiki Room is back from refurb, and word has it that you didn't make it to the Tiki Meet. Just where were you, anyways?
A: At a Wal-Mart in Germany.

Q: So, did you go there for their singles-night thing? Was it the German Wal-Marts that did that, or was that somewhere in the Midwest? I remember hearing something about that on NPR.
A: Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

Q: I’ll take that as a yes. Can we meet your new beau? Will you bring him to Disneyland?
A: I thought about it, but then I thought better.

Q: Good call. Back to Disneyland, then. What’s your favorite treat from the Dole Stand?
A: Applesauce.

Q: But they don’t sell applesauce there. Perhaps you should try a Dole Float and take it with you into the Tiki Room.
A: I'd say that would be unwise.

Q: Why? It’s not like the birds would peck your eyes out or anything. I mean, you could take the Dole Whip onto the Jungle Cruise instead, if you like.
A: I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

Q: Nonsense! I hear monkeys love Dole Whip. So, have you seen the Tiki Room since it reopened?
A: I couldn't live without it.

Q: Was that you who danced around the fountain during “Let’s All Sing Like the Birdies Sing”?
A: What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[SacTown Chronic]

I read somewhere that sauerkraut flavored applesauce is your favorite....where in the world did you find such an item?

At a Wal-Mart in Germany.

Have you ever considered rubbing applesauce on your body?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

So you are telling me that you've never smeared applesauce on yourself?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

Uh, what is that on your nipples?

Applesauce.

Can I lick it off?

I'd say that would be unwise.

Have you ever put banana flavored applesauce on yourself?

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

So, why did you fly all the way to Germany just for applesauce?

I couldn't live without it.

When you arrived back in the States with your applesauce, you gouged out the eyes of the customs agent who tried to confiscate it. Why?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.

[blueerica]

Where did you meet your current beau? I understand that when you met him, he was working retail.

At a Wall-Mart in Germany.

What did you do to catch his eye? How did he catch yours?

Please. I refuse to sink to your level in order to answer that.

Why won’t you answer me?

I thought about it, but then I thought better.

OK, so let’s change the subject, what’s your favorite food?

Applesauce.

Mind if I ask if you've done anything with applesauce, other than eat it?

I'd say that would be unwise.

Come on, you’ve had to try something fun with it…

I did that once. The monkey didn't like it.

So that probably puts you in great need of the Scooper, right?

I couldn't live without it.

Last week, you fired your agent, your manager, your publicist, and your mother, all apparently over some scuffle involving a Mars bar & half a can of 7up. Why did you do it?

What else could I have done? If you were in that situation, you'd do it too.