Feeling goofy - post your favorite lame jokes here - Page 8

Prudence · 06-16-2005, 07:01 PM

Once upon a time there was a monastry and every morning the chief Monk came
in and chanted "Good Morning", and all the other monks chanted back
"Morning".

One day, a new monk arrived at this monastry, and the chanted morning
greeting and reply were entirely new to him. But as this monk had a sense
of humor, he decided see if he could have some fun with this.

The next day, when the chief Monk came in and chanted "Good Morning", and
all the other monks chanted back "Morning", the new monk at the back chanted
"Evening."

Whereupon the chief monk chanted. "Someone chanted evening. He must be a
stranger!"

surfinmuse · 06-30-2005, 08:05 PM

I personally love this one, and I don't think it "lame" at all. I do apologize in advance for the length of it. I think the pay-off is worth it. Enjoy!
-----------------------

One morning, John hurries into the office, apparently quite flustered. Then he confides in his friend Frank at the water cooler.

JOHN: Oh my goodness, I had a most embarrassing time on my way to work this morning. I had the worst Freudian slip ever at the train station.

FRANK: What's a Freudian slip?

JOHN: Well... you know, when you end up saying what you're really thinking about, instead of what you really meant to say.

FRANK: I don't get it. How do you mean, mate?

JOHN: Like this, so I was at the train station getting my ticket this morning, and there was this new girl with epic tits working at the booth. I meant to say "One for Tuttingham, please," but I blurted out "... TIT-ingham" instead. Utterly embarrassing!

FRANK: Oh I get it now! That's pretty funny, alright!

---

The next morning, again at the water cooler, Frank runs up to John and exclaims...

FRANK: John!! Guess what?! You know that Freudian slip thing you told me about? Well I had one of my own this morning!

JOHN: Oh yeah, what happened?

FRANK: Well I was eating breakfast in the kitchen, and then my wife walked in. I meant to say "Good morning, honey!" but instead, I said, "You've ruined my life you stupid bitch!"

JOHN: ...

Not Afraid · 06-30-2005, 08:52 PM

These last 2 are especially giggly to me. I will be singing Some Enchanted Evening for a few days while I ponder the phrase "epic tits".

Prudence · 07-14-2005, 03:08 PM

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 a.m. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went
through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

surfinmuse · 07-18-2005, 09:53 PM

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Prudence · 09-27-2005, 06:50 PM

A knight and his men return to their castle after a
long, hard campain.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing
and pillaging on your behalf all month, burning the
towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies
to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

TigerLily · 09-27-2005, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wendybeth

Lol- I got LOTS of blonde jokes- people feel strangely compelled to tell them to me.

I have a couple of burenette jokes

what do you call a burnette in a room full of blondes?

Spoiler:

who makes bras for burnettes?

Spoiler:

there's more, but some of them are kind of mean....

here's a dirty joke...kind of...I knew it in 5th grade...LOL..

Spoiler:

TigerLily · 09-27-2005, 09:41 PM

A woman brought a very limp duck to a vet, so he took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment the vet shook his head, "I'm so sorry, but your duck is dead."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, the duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. Maybe he's in a coma or something."

The vet left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. Then, with sad eyes, he looked at the vet and shook his head.

The vet went out again and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed at the bird. Then it meowed softly, shook its head, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this duck is definitely dead." Then he turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill.

"$1,500!" she cried, "just to tell me my duck is dead?"

"I'm sorry", the vet replied. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........"

Name · 09-27-2005, 10:08 PM

Two men walk into a bar.......

Spoiler:

CoasterMatt · 09-28-2005, 06:04 AM

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Spoiler:

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Spoiler:

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Spoiler:

06-16-2005, 07:01 PM	#71
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	Once upon a time there was a monastry and every morning the chief Monk came in and chanted "Good Morning", and all the other monks chanted back "Morning". One day, a new monk arrived at this monastry, and the chanted morning greeting and reply were entirely new to him. But as this monk had a sense of humor, he decided see if he could have some fun with this. The next day, when the chief Monk came in and chanted "Good Morning", and all the other monks chanted back "Morning", the new monk at the back chanted "Evening." Whereupon the chief monk chanted. "Someone chanted evening. He must be a stranger!" __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
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06-30-2005, 08:05 PM	#72
surfinmuse Mind the Gap Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 123	I personally love this one, and I don't think it "lame" at all. I do apologize in advance for the length of it. I think the pay-off is worth it. Enjoy! ----------------------- One morning, John hurries into the office, apparently quite flustered. Then he confides in his friend Frank at the water cooler. JOHN: Oh my goodness, I had a most embarrassing time on my way to work this morning. I had the worst Freudian slip ever at the train station. FRANK: What's a Freudian slip? JOHN: Well... you know, when you end up saying what you're really thinking about, instead of what you really meant to say. FRANK: I don't get it. How do you mean, mate? JOHN: Like this, so I was at the train station getting my ticket this morning, and there was this new girl with epic tits working at the booth. I meant to say "One for Tuttingham, please," but I blurted out "... TIT-ingham" instead. Utterly embarrassing! FRANK: Oh I get it now! That's pretty funny, alright! --- The next morning, again at the water cooler, Frank runs up to John and exclaims... FRANK: John!! Guess what?! You know that Freudian slip thing you told me about? Well I had one of my own this morning! JOHN: Oh yeah, what happened? FRANK: Well I was eating breakfast in the kitchen, and then my wife walked in. I meant to say "Good morning, honey!" but instead, I said, "You've ruined my life you stupid bitch!" JOHN: ...
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06-30-2005, 08:52 PM	#73
Not Afraid HI! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 17,108	These last 2 are especially giggly to me. I will be singing Some Enchanted Evening for a few days while I ponder the phrase "epic tits". Last edited by Not Afraid : 06-30-2005 at 09:05 PM.
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07-14-2005, 03:08 PM	#74
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 a.m. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
	Submit to Quotes

07-18-2005, 09:53 PM	#75
surfinmuse Mind the Gap Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 123	A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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09-27-2005, 06:50 PM	#76
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	A knight and his men return to their castle after a long, hard campain. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all month, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now." __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
	Submit to Quotes

09-27-2005, 09:41 PM	#78
TigerLily Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Lancaster, CA Posts: 101	A woman brought a very limp duck to a vet, so he took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment the vet shook his head, "I'm so sorry, but your duck is dead." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure, the duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested, "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him. Maybe he's in a coma or something." The vet left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. Then, with sad eyes, he looked at the vet and shook his head. The vet went out again and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed at the bird. Then it meowed softly, shook its head, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this duck is definitely dead." Then he turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill. "$1,500!" she cried, "just to tell me my duck is dead?" "I'm sorry", the vet replied. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan........" __________________ ]Sea World Pictures[/color] my yahoo blog
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09-27-2005, 10:08 PM	#79
Name Title Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: here Posts: 779	Two men walk into a bar....... Spoiler: The third one ducked.... I know, really lame, but, the thread title is your favourite LAME jokes..... __________________ Signature
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09-28-2005, 06:04 AM	#80
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Spoiler: Anybody can roast beef How do you catch a unique rabbit? Spoiler: Unique up on it How do you catch a tame rabbit? Spoiler: Tame way, unique up on it __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
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