Are you an akser or a Guesser?

[Alex]

I may be a bit confused but I'm seeing some blurring between discussing how people make requests and how people respond to requests.

Lani is more than capable of asking for what she wants but when it comes to responding to an open ended question from me (such as "where do you want to eat") she tries to guess what I must secretly want her to say. She's not trying to manipulate me (or feel me out so I want what she wants) she's just trying to give an answer that'll make me happiest when she doesn't have a strong opinion.

Though we've had this conversation several times:

Me: "Do you want A or B"
Her: "Uh, B. Is that ok?"
Me: "If I weren't fine with B I wouldn't have given you the option."

[Ghoulish Delight]

Originally Posted by Alex

I

Me: "Do you want A or B"
Her: "Uh, B. Is that ok?"
Me: "If I weren't fine with B I wouldn't have given you the option."

That.

And then there's the mirrored problem.

Her: "Do you want to do this chore?"
Me: "If I don't have a choice, why are you phrasing it like a question?"

I'll let you know when that exchange ends up working well for me.

ETA: Which reminds me of a good tip I picked up in my short ineffectual stint selling insurance. If you want to make it a question so that the person you're requesting something from feels like they have a choice, make sure you're actually giving them a choice, even if the essential request isn't a choice. e.g. Instead of, "When do you want to pick him up?" "Which would work better for you, picking him up at 7 or 8?"

[Alex]

Originally Posted by Ghoulish Delight

Her: "Do you want to do this chore?"
Me: "If I don't have a choice, why are you phrasing it like a question?"

I've mostly brought Lani around on this type of thing. She finally realized that if she says "would you do the dishes now" I will almost always happily do so (and if I don't there's probably a good reason) whereas "do you want to do the dishes" gets a "no I don't" and "would you do the dishes when you can" gets me doing them when I get around to it."

Now, the logical question is why I don't just learn to interpret "would you like to..." to mean "do...". Well, obviously it is because "would you like to..." actually means "would you like to..." and I can't reward ambiguity.

[Ghoulish Delight]

Originally Posted by Alex

I've mostly brought Lani around on this type of thing. She finally realized that if she says "would you do the dishes now" I will almost always happily do so (and if I don't there's probably a good reason) whereas "do you want to do the dishes" gets a "no I don't" and "would you do the dishes when you can" gets me doing them when I get around to it."

Now, the logical question is why I don't just learn to interpret "would you like to..." to mean "do...". Well, obviously it is because "would you like to..." actually means "would you like to..." and I can't reward ambiguity.

Do you offer seminars?

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by Alex

Now, the logical question is why I don't just learn to interpret "would you like to..." to mean "do...". Well, obviously it is because "would you like to..." actually means "would you like to..." and I can't reward ambiguity.

You're not helping!

When I was full-on pregnant and later, fully engaged in first time mommyhood with daddy at home 24/7, I got much better at saying "could you please do this." I have slipped back into my old ways now and believe me, every time I say "Would you like to do this?" I inwardly cringe. Seems I have to really, really need something done that I really, really can't get to myself in order to ask for help directly.

Maybe if I talked slower I could force it out? I think that's how I got it happening before. "Would you...please...do this?" It's hard. I know you logical types think it's easy, but you are wrong. It means admitting that I can't get it done myself, and worrying that the other person thinks I'm lazy or leaning on them too much. After nearly 8 years of marriage you'd think I'd be over it.

A related sin - "We need to do this," along with an expectation that the other party overhearing will just get up and do it. Ugh. How I wish I didn't say that.

[Moonliner]

Originally Posted by Alex

I've mostly brought Lani around on this type of thing. She finally realized that if she says "would you do the dishes now" I will almost always happily do so (and if I don't there's probably a good reason) whereas "do you want to do the dishes" gets a "no I don't" and "would you do the dishes when you can" gets me doing them when I get around to it."

Now, the logical question is why I don't just learn to interpret "would you like to..." to mean "do...". Well, obviously it is because "would you like to..." actually means "would you like to..." and I can't reward ambiguity.

When all the time what they really seem to want is the dishes to get done without any type of comment at all.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by Moonliner

When all the time what they really seem to want is the dishes to get done without any type of comment at all.

Yes, damnit, yes! If you loved me you'd do the dishes BEFORE I have to ask!! Why don't you ever think of these things?!



Wow, I really am turning into my mother...